Suicidal

Barry Manilow. He writes the songs.

I'm glad you are reaching out via e-mail to the help center.

If you like Cagney and Lacey, you might also like the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich. The first book is called "One for the Money." They are fun to read.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0140252924/

The fact that you are obsessing on one person is a problem. Here's something interesting I found on this.

http://easyweb.easynet.co.uk/simplepsych/obsessrel.html

Some people have a history of relationships whereby they are treated badly, or treat the other person badly. It seems to happen to them again and again.

If you see this pattern in your relationships then their is more than a chance that there is a problem in you. You are very unlikely to have just been unlucky.

People in this situation have got to break the cycle of bad relationships.

This book was recommended on that page.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1576830535/

You mentioned that your mother did not approve of your infatuation with the tutor. Would you say that your mother treated you badly in your life? Who are the people who treated you badly?

I have to confess that one reason I like Cagney & Lacey so much is because of Sharon Gless. Have had a bit of a thing for her since first watching the show. Another thing my parents thought was sick. I try to watch anything she's in but my favourite is still C & L.

Thanks for the link on obsessive relationships. The thing is we never actually had a 'relationship'. It has all been wishful thinking on my part. I've always respected that she didn't want the same thing. I've just been living my life dreaming about how it would be with her. She's been the person that's kept me going through so many bad times before. Just knowing she was there made all the difference. I know my image of her is distorted. In my eyes she's perfect and can never do any wrong. Over the years I've perfected the image of her more and the person I've created is very hard to let go of because she's everything I want and need.

Actually, it's both my parents that disapproved of my feelings for my tutor. They both think it is sick and depraved. My father reacted particularly badly at the time and almost hit me. He's not usually violent though. He is very domineering and controlling. I feel my parents don't accept who I am and I've often felt rejected. I have to hide who I am from them. They don't understand my psychological problems and think I just 'put it on'. They're always telling me to 'snap out of it'.

Cagney and Lacey is cool. I was more of an A-Team kind of guy, but maybe that was because I was a guy.

Are you a fan of Xena?

Rationally, you know that your obsession with the tutor cannot make sense. You also know that it is doing injury to your life.

Emotionally, you are having trouble letting go.

I'm not sure, but it seems like it is important that you allow yourself to recognize the validity of your feelings.

Maybe you saw the tutor as kind of a substitute for your parents, from whom you did not receive enough love. The tutor was nice to you, and you had not experienced much "nice" before, and thought that "nice" was the same as love.

It makes sense that you have felt that way about the tutor for so long, even if the explanation above is wrong. It makes sense somehow, and once you understand your emotional need to be attached in that way, then you might be free of it.

Here's something about love.

http://encyclopedia.thefreedictionary.com/Love

Tell more about your parents and your childhood experiences.

I thought The A Team was ok, not as good as Cagney & Lacey. It didn't have the same depth and no good female characters! I'm not a fan of Xena.

It is true that I know it is no good for me to hang on to the attachment to my tutor but I can't let go emotionally. I don't really understand why I haven't been able to move on. Maybe it fulfills an emotional need that I'm not getting from anywhere else. Whilst it is true that I've felt rejection from my parents, I'm not sure this is the reason I'm so attached to my tutor. I haven't seen her as a mother figure. I suppose my difficulty forming normal relationships makes it impossible to move on to a normal relationship and everyone needs someone. I've never had a proper romantic relationship and find it difficult letting anyone close to me. I also have difficulty with physical contact.

You asked me about my parents and childhood. I have two younger brothers and always felt I was expected to be the 'responsible' one. My parents both worked shifts and I was left in charge of my brothers at times. I felt my mum favoured my eldest brother and my dad favoured my youngest brother and there wasn't really any space for me. I always wanted to be closer to mum but there was always a distance between us, she seemed to push me away. I was a shy child but became more withdrawn and started having real difficulties communicating from the age of 13. I also started suffering from depression at this age. Dad is very dominant and controlling. Nothing specific really happened in my childhood. Most of the problems with my parents started from the age of 13 when I started my problems started. They don't understand mental illness at all and thought I was doing it to embarrass them or something. They both couldn't understand my attraction to woman and thought it was sick. I've felt I've had to hide my true self from them ever since.

Doing some thinking, and everything here is very busy. Will respond soon.

Hi Taran

Sorry I know everything there is busy. I'm struggling at the moment. Even the Samaritans seem to have given up replying to me. I'm really struggling with thoughts of not wanting to carry on like this anymore. Life sucks.

Dear Guest,

I've done the emailing the samaritains before as well.

Don't give up , you can always post here.


Take care of yourself.

And I wish you the best of luck.

I'm trying not to give up. I'm trying to find something to hold on to. I'm finding it so difficult to carry on like this. I've pretty much messed my arm up pretty badly through continually banging it against a wall, trying to make this emotional pain go away. I thought the physical pain would take over, hoped it would. I wanted to cause myself physical pain.

I've been thinking more and more about ending my life. I've planned it all out. I've written a Will. I don't really want to hurt anyone else, only myself but I'm not sure I can hold on. I'm not sure I've got the fight left.

Dear Guest,

I know how you feel, I use to think that way, feel that way, do self harm, but there is help for someone with Depression, can you not seek help of a professional, even if it means going to the hospital, etc?

There is help there, There are medications that help with the Depression, i'm on meds and have been since I was 16.. i'm 24 now and they have helped me.

Is there anyone for you to talk too?

I have no one I can talk to. All these thoughts just keep going round and round in my head and I can't stop them.

I find it too difficult 'talking' to anyone. The prospect of talking to anyone scares me more than dying. I can't go to the hospital. I can't face seeing anyone. I'm just hiding out at home trying to wish my life away. The only way I can communicate is through my computer and I'm desperately searching for help through this but I know at the end of the day my fear of people means I am a lost cause. No one can help because I can't ask for help.

I'm feeling worse with each day and I really don't think I can keep going like this anymore. I just want it all to end.