Suicidal

Will someone please help me? I am feeling very depressed and right now I feel like I want to die. I can't talk to anyone about how I'm feeling because of social phobia. I hate myself and my life has now meaning anymore. I've isolated myself from everyone because I can't cope with social situations. The one friend I had is too busy to talk to me and I never see anyone else.

I've also lost the person I loved. You'll think I'm stupid because I hadn't seen her for 17 years anyway but I could write to her and at least know she cared about me but I've been writing so much that she wrote to my friend and asked her to stop me writing. She said I'd effectively been stalking her. She was my tutor in college when I was 16. My parents couldn't handle the fact that I fell in love with another woman (I am also female). She was the first person who really tried to help me and she didn't lose patience when I found it difficult to talk. I fell in love with her and she told me it was because no one had really cared before and she was flattered. But I still love her even now (I'm 35). I know I've hurt her and I can't cope with the feelings of disgust that I feel for myself.

I can't see a reason to go on and I've been planning a way to die.

It's okay to have your feelings, but you must not actually do anything to harm yourself. You are intrinsically valuable. You have life, and you are important.

I've felt very depressed and nearly suicidal in my life. It was very hard. I managed to get through because I just wouldn't give up. Things eventually got better, just because things naturally change over time.

The problem you mention is lack of friends. I am also a person who doesn't have many friends. My own problem is that I compulsively push people away, even when they are nice to me. I also have social phobia. Isn't it interesting that we both fear social contact, and yet need it?

I am glad you are reaching out here on this board. We're not the experts though. We're just ordinary folks without special training typing on our computers.

Here's a great web site that can help.

http://crisislink.org/

and you can call 1-800-SUICIDE if you need a hotline.

I find it interesting that you were in college at age 16. That's pretty young. I didn't go until I was 18. Were you younger than the other students? How did that affect you?

Thanks for repying. I've just realised this is an American site. I'm in the UK so its normal to start college at 16.

It is so frustrating to want the company of other people but to experience fear at just the thought of talking to anyone. I think I'd go completely mad if it weren't for the internet.

I know its unfair for me to focus my happiness on one person. No one could handle that responsibility.

I've just had a really bad day today and reached the end of my tether. I desperately want to seek help but don't know where to get it from. Sometimes the thought of dying seems much easier than struggling to live when every day leaves me feeling so desperately unhappy.

I can appreciate your falling in love with someone who tried to help you. I came from a home where there was not much time for me, as a result when I came across people who gave me some attention it had a big effect on me.

Don't give up on life? I planned on killing myself when I was young due to depression, my weight, and the loss of a love. I'm glad I didn't. My life eventually turned around. My life has been good for a long time now.

Posting a message on this board is a big start. The world has a lot of good people in it. Hang in there, things will turn around eventually. Right now a lot of you depression is grief. As time goes on, the pain will start to lessen.

Good Luck,
Jim S

I didn't realize you were writing from the UK. Here is some information on how to get help in the UK.

http://www.suicide-helplines.org/uk.htm

How did your colege experience go? What did you like about it? What did you not like about it?

Hi Taran

I enjoyed my first year at college. I met the tutor I liked and enjoyed her class in Psychology. She helped me understand why I had the problems I had with talking to people and being around other people. My life had purpose and I had something to look forward to because I knew I would see her every day during the week.

Everything went wrong at the start of my second year. My parents had found out about my feelings for my tutor by going through things in my bedroom. They made a fuss as college and as a result I was not allowed to see her (she didn't have anything to do with it). I became more depressed. I couldn't do the course I wanted because it would've involved seeing the tutor and the college wouldn't let me. I couldn't cope and twice tried to kill myself. I had to leave in the end.

My whole life is focussed around loving someone who I can no longer have any contact with. She did write to me a couple of times and said she felt guilty that she hadn't been able to help me. She said she's been flattered by my feelings for her and had let that affect her objectivity. She said that's why she didn't feel able to see me again. I should've respected her wishes then. I just can't let go of my feelings for her.

I've always had low self esteem and have felt worthless. She used to ask me why I hated myself so much. I just think I mess everything up and I don't know why anyone would like me. I can't even talk to anyone and no one wants to communicate by writing all the time. Its not normal.

In the last message you said:


I can't even talk to anyone and no one wants to communicate by writing all the time. Its not normal.

This may be a signal that you may want to broaden your life and your horizons as so much of your energy is focused in one place. Most people do have a number of interests so they can't communicate by writing all the time. By the time a person goes to a job or college then takes care of eating, laundry, etc. there is not a great deal of time left.

If one puts all their eggs in one basket, there is nothing left if something happens to the basket. I know because I ran my life a lot by being obsessed with one thing after another to the total exclusion of everything else. At times, I did devote all my attention to a girl friend. Somehow, I bumbled through life but caught alcoholism and polar disorder in the process. My life is more balanced today. I get joy from a number of places and a number of different people.

You may want to start with 1 hour a day to trying to do something other than thinking about this other person. You probably can't wipe away all thoughts, but you can probably can something done in the day--some chores, some responsibilities, some cleaning.

Good Luck,
Jim S

I have been trying not to think about my former tutor all the time. I've tried distraction methods like cleaning, going for a walk, playing music. My life feels so empty and I don't have anything to look forward to - just more of the same empty days and the same routines. I don't feel like I'm living, just existing.

I can't get even escape from my feelings when I go to bed because I keep having the same, recurrent nightmare in which my former tutor is killed in front of me. I don't even want to go to sleep because of it.

I keep thinking about dying. I counted out all the pills I've got in the house and I'm thinking how easy it would be to swallow them and not have to think about any of the anymore.

Have you taken a multivitamin lately? You should. Although it sounds strange, it can help because with the right amount of B6 and B12, psychological health is improved. Go to the store and buy some multivitamins if you don't have any. Take one per day.

Have you called the help line?

It's okay to be depressed. It happens to lots of people.

It is not right to want to die, though. Although you might feel that way emotionally, there is no rational reason to feel that way. Reason and rationality strongly require you to live.

What are your interests in life? Do you like to read, do you like television? Do you like movies?

I would love to hear about your interests, but let's just say that someone like you in many ways, but different in others said "Nothing. No interests." I would ask that person to just think back to 10 years, 15 years, and 20 years ago. What were their interests then? If they wouldn't want to talk about them here, I would ask them write them down in a list on paper at home.

My own interests include reading and thinking about religion, spiritual things, and art, especially poems. I also like to read sci-fi novels and history. One novel that I liked, but is not sci-fi, just about a missionary family in Africa, was by Barbara Kingsolver, called "The Poisonwood Bible." Have you read that? Have you gone to your local library lately? I love going to the library.

Your life sounds so interesting and unique. Have you ever made a life history? It could be short, listing just the most important things that have happened to you, or it could be longer. When I did a history of my life, I found it to be rewarding, because I understood myself a little bit better.

Thanks for your reply Taran. I didn't phone the helpline because I cannot talk to people but I have been communicating with them via their email line. It is helping a bit.

You asked me what I like doing. I do like watching TV. My favourite programme is Cagney and Lacey which unfortunately isn't shown any more but I have some episodes on video and I like watching that. I also like listening to music and Barry Manilow is my favourite singer. He just seems to have that connection with people, like he knows exactly how you're feeling.

I like writing but most of what I've written lately has been quite depressive because of my mood. It has also been about my former tutor because that's all I'm thinking about.

I'm struggling to sleep because every night I'm having this recurring dream about my former tutor. In this dream we are together and she is murdered in front of me. It's making me feel so low and upset when I wake. I dread going to sleep.

I already take a multivitamin.