My Own Depression 'Bouts

I posted something about a conditation i thought I may have in the main forums, but it didn't receive any replies so I figured I wasn't in any danger, but I still need to avoid as much depressive moments as i can so I need to post this here:


Now, the way i think, everyone (almost if not everyone) has a degree of this, just they are only diagnosed with it if the person's happiness starts to suffer due to the illness. I had a few episodes about a month ago because I'm literally doing nothing (quit playing games for a few months before a game I'm waiting for).

During this time, I dwell on things I find I'm lacking in life most others take part in. When I put myself into these moods, the triggers are more likely to set off if they are in the right circumstance. When they trigger, it is very hard to pull myself out of the hole and put myself back onto the "top-of-the-world," but its rather hard to do. I had these thoughts even as i sat and raided with my entire guild in world of warcraft. I kept my friends limited, and I have good ones.

Thoughts I dwell on is way too heavy on "what if." Then I start blaming others and sometimes myself for taking the wrong path. As I continue to think it, it puts me into a corner I can't get out of, and I continue to think this way throughout the night and just started to spill into the next morning, it does hurt everywhere as i continue the thoughts. As soon as i talk to my friends, the feelings suddenly lift and I'm mostly back to myself.

During my depressed moods, part of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality starts to show up with as intrusive thoughts. If I'm in a good mood (I'm mostly am), I rarely have them, but once depression sets in, it increases.

ATM, I feel the after affects of depression, and can easily slip back into the state if I let my willpower down. I usually have a strong willpower and guards my feelings from falling into an oblivion, but it does sometimes happens.


some of triggers are:

-if a planned event ends up not happening, then a trigger can happen at the right circumstance.
-if I realized I feel along all the time, major trigger.
-if i dwell on not having a girlfriend, major trigger.
/\ this particulary starts to affect my self-esteem /\


I know I can have any girl I want, just act yourself, just not the "nice guy" as I always hear, hehe. The logic I have about it is: If you think a girl is a beautiful, then more than likely, the girl will think your handsome. Making it too mechanical is the wrong doing imo, but I never tried because the fear of the ever process of finding the right mate (but its something we are cursed with since the day we are born , its only natural). To me, the only weird thing is, "how do we know we are here." Too strong of a question to ask anyone really, its only something the person can understand until the day they R.I.P.

For me, this is one way to vent and avoid another depression trigger. The further apart the triggers, the less likely depression will ever become full blown. I was heading in that direction, but I feel I HAVE to take action, and i must to live a happy life. If I dont, then I just be wasting something that someone else would have died for, something to love, and something to look forward to. Thats my philosophy, and I'm sticking to it. My friends want to go to Las Vegas when we all hit 21+ and it's something i want to do.


I'm sorry I posted this, but I had the feeling in my stomach of depression coming on and like I said, its a way to vent my thought and it's best vented somewhere people care and share experiences to hamper it from taking over. Thanks for your time .

Hi, Sniperanger! You are welcome to post any time you want. It's a good way to prevent a trigger. I talk to my friends when I feel triggered or bad too and it helps. Maybe you could find something to help you stay a bit more active, like working out or a sport or something like that.

yea, I know once I start taking classes once again, my bouts should decreases by alot considering i'll always be busy with homework and studying.

That is great. I can get depressed when I have to study, sometimes, but it helps to feel like I'm doing something useful. You can PM me as well as post here, if you need to talk.

heres what I feel atm:

- loneliness
- a sense of failure
- random neck pain along with joints
- feel of being friendless
- If i join in on a convo between two of my friends or others, I think they will get mad at me (even though I know this not to be true with my friends). I begin to isolate myself from them, and it usually triggers a moment.



/\ thats the overall feelings I've been having lately/\
(This seems to only occur during the night couple hours before I'm about to go to bed, never experienced it during the day)



I know these are typical depression symptoms, its been building up over years and its kind of showing its ugly face just recently. I probably had only a couple of minor episodes throughout my life, but since my friends been doing their jobs, and this summer I have done nothing but waiting for a game to come out and classes to start, its flared up. Like i said, I already told a friend and my parents about this. I've been asked to go to a councilor if I feel like its getting in the way of my overall life quality, but I've been reluctant about it. I need to push myself to do it. I'm going to try my best to avoid any type of meds because I believe once i find a way to cope, I can successfully live a good, adventurous life .



ADDED:

it's like I want to fight off this deamon within me thats causing me to feel this way .
I'm naturally someone who cares a lot about others. I never hurt anything, never got into any fights, nor was I close to getting into one.
That's why I find it funny how I'm experiencing depressive symptoms when i generally lived a good child life (besides a few friends who caused me destress and maybe stemming from that.)

I remember when I was in junior high, I wasn't treated correctly by a few friends, and felt rejected and worthless (even by my best friend at the time). It was one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.

I also get torn up everytime when i was younger when my parents argued which is very rare, (once every 4 years on averagem though it has died down a lot). My father tends to cry (which is too rare) and yells during arguements. When I see that stuff happen, it effects me greatly. I'm a bit older now though (20 years old), so I'm not as effected by one anymore.

Hey! It's good to write your feelings down. It helps me a lot too. Is there any one in your family who seems depressed? I think it's possible to have depression because of that, but I'm no expert. Getting treated badly when I was in school has taken its toll on me too. It's ok to feel this way. I know what you mean when you say you're fighting a demon. It's like it is coming from inside and there is almost nothing you can do to prevent or control it. I often felt/feel like there is an extra sadness inside of me when I really get depressed.
I work out almost every day now and I talk to someone who cares if anything that might trigger my depression happens and it helps.

yea, im going to start exercising because I know it will make me feel better overall. I know once I get back into my classes, I will pass them with a B or better (all five). Im going to become active with my friends, and also continue to make friends. I never had trouble getting friends, it's just keeping them . And yea, talking to my friends during a trigger easily negates the symptoms and i return to my normal self, something that doesn't have any control over me when I'm fully aware of his abilities to cope well and knowing I can get through it .

Sounds like a good plan. This place is always here, especially if you feel triggered and need to vent