Depressed by the smallest things

I decided to give Youtube a chance tonight as I was quite angered earlier.

A relative had entered the house and my anxiety kicked in, so I decided to go out for "shopping". I went inside the store and the first thing I feel is the Causal attacks by mankind, and of course, I become enraged in a frenzy. It's gotten worse than before.

This lead me to give youtube another chance. And so I decided to watch some wrestling videos on youtube. I click on the profiles of the users and everything about them triggers me back into my state of depression and RAGE. The god damn titles "horror" and other things I will not mention.

It is quite abstruse. These little things have triggers inbedded in an intricate way in my subconscious, ranging all the way back to my childhood. When I get the slightest feel of them I go crazy.

I feel I am being paranoid as well, because one night everything is fine whilst the next I feel it was PLANNED to occur. Everything goes wrong. The relative who came said something that triggered me, followed by the grocery store, as I was attacked, followed by the content I "coincidentally" found on youtube. It is almost hard to believe I'm being paranoid (though I hope I am), as these things occur all at once, as if I am being attacked by the Causal in its approach to detain me from my journey.

Though through this depression I grow, and hence, I've come to like it. It is painful at the nonce though.

Sometimes the depression is so austere I take journeys within the depths of my mind. The pain heals but the scars remain.

I am tired of these disgusting creatures on youtube.

They are attacking me.

Them, and everyone. They are subconsciously attacking me. I will be positive for a week and ONE NIGHT everything will go down on me. Everything occurs AT ONCE.

I feel this is training. I hadn't felt pain in a few weeks so it had to teach me. Pain is my father. I feel it. Now I feel blissful in this pain as I know it will train me. But i don't want the youtubers to feel this pain as IT IS FOR ME, NOT FOR THEM.

GOD DAMN YOUTUBERS AND NORMAL PEOPLE

They have their sports and friends, THEIR relatives, their causal families. THIS PAIN IS MEANT FOR THOSE LIKE ME, NOT THEM. THIS PAIN IS SECURED FOR US, SO WE CAN FIND BLISS IN THAT TENUOUS ROAD THAT WAS NOT MEANT FOR THE MAJORITY - THAT ROAD OF MADNESS... THAT BLISSFUL RECLUSIVITY, THEY CANNOT TAKE THIS FROM US AS WELL.

This anger in me is worsening the more I open up to this world. I feel perhaps it's paranoia, or perhaps not. It disappears and reappears again when I'm vulnerable to this depression. Everything comes to me like a chain. A predestined causal chain.

I strangely like this though. I will die yet again through this depression.

Infact I'm having quite unorthodox thoughts right now. Considering inducing myself with drugs to get brain damage and decapitate my mind further down a drain where I will not be able to sense depravity as this Causal world has conditioned me to.

I must break away from thoughts somehow. ALL forms of thoughts wrest me from my Acausal consciousness - the only home I will ever have.

I will not allow these dangerous creatures inside my home, NEVER.

The music too, and the movies, are all destined to create rivalry. These disgusting movies and games and music, the bands and idols. They teach the Causal to attack us. I'm so tired of this.

My dreams are mine, the dreamworld is MINE. Yet even this is threatened as of late. Can I not have this little peace inside my own mind? Not even this little peace? Must I become pestered by the fragments of the Causal, even in the little bliss I achieve in my own demise and loneliness?

How merciless can you be?

I'm almost inclined to steep to a level of carnal indulgence and run amok, but I digress. I think I will allow this pain to wend me to newer more interesting heights. I am beginning to like this pain. This pain is perhaps my only lover. I want it all. Physical pain; mental pain; spiritual pain; emotional pain.

WoW! I am oddly liking this now! I want to confront more of these subconscious attacks! Off to hell (youtube) I GO!

I want more pain, it's the only thing I can feel! It's my appreciation of art. I'm being trained I know it. This is training.

Infact, i want everyone who's in pain to give it to me. I'm greedy, I want to take all of your misery INTO ME! It will teach me. It teaches me.


I apologize I am feeling quite odd right now. My few positive weeks are done for. Off into negativity I dive once more!


/-\__/-\ (nutrition)

YES

Everything is triggering me tonight.

Everything

Words do not allow me to express myself
It's so frustrating
It's so BEWILDERING

I cannot express myself, I feel as if there is a plastic bag over my head, I cannot breathe.

The pain will only make me grow. I feel it.

There is no coincidence, I hope the worst for all psychiatrists, THERE IS NO COINCIDENCE YOU BLIND IDIOTS

Oh my the pain, I Love the pain.

The god damn pain.

This entire existance is teaching me.

Teaching me through pain and suffering.

This is my road to freedom, the pain.

To the God I am.

The pain.

Everything occurs all at once HAHA EVERYTHING occurs all at once, to the point of nigh suicide - though it never fully reaches it - perhaps attempted failure so to achieve more pain.

Death will not save, no. I cannot die just yet, I must fight this god damn cosmos TO HELL and back.

Reincarnation and your disgusting causal traps.

Oh I feel powerful right now.
I will grab people crossing the streets and shove them in my arse.

THE ANGER against conscoiusness

I have come to loathe consciousness all together.
I will be the only conscious being one day haha, yes. EEither through the pain or through derpession, or through losing myself.

"myself"

Damn you all. Demons. Leave me alone already.

What have I ever done to yoU?

I know there are some of you reading this who will love to hurt me. COME AND HURT ME, COME AND HURT ME! FEED ME MORE PAIN! MORE PAIN I LOVE IT!

FEED ME BREAST FOOD

Urinate all over me, I will grow through the pain.



I am not a cool person. I am not a cool person. You want to listen to your bands and be cool. Just like all the other normal creatures. I will NEVER be cool, and I am fond of myself like this.

I am uncool.

I am wearing a dirty yellow shirt right now, because it is uncool. Your bands do not well wear it.

I am not dark or light, i have my OWN colour. I have my own colour not dark or light, MY OWN COLOUR.

You cannot see it with Causal eyes, it is beyond causal mesaures and limits. You cannot fathom it therefore you cannot be it. only I can for I created it in the Acausal sense.



Hurt me, steal my colour from me. Please. Steal it.

I will vomit as words do not allow me to express this feeling inside of me. Words are not enough. Words are the tools to haunt me 'til I lose my mind and emotions.

Who feels the vibes?
Any forum members feel the vibes? Is it only me who feels them? Or perhaps I'm the only victim tonight? Does anyone feel a significance int his night? It is afterall, the 22nd, and 22 is the utmost magical number, as well as my birth day. Share your pains perhaps we can understand one another.



/-\__/-\

I have hence healed, and the scars look more beautiful than ever.

This is what I expected. The journey was tough but taught me a lot.


"/-\__/-\" (he grew ears)

Sometimes the depression is so austere I take journeys within the depths of my mind. The pain heals but the scars remain.
I will be positive for a week and ONE NIGHT everything will go down on me. Everything occurs AT ONCE.

I can relate to this, sometimes i overcome a fear or depression, and be fine like for 1 month and then i fall and all goes to hell in a week, everything goes bad, to the point of been surreal, But im getting better at getting up.

I these times i began to understand this frase from figh club.... "losing all hope is freedom" .

i do too relate to this specific circumstance for a trigger. Everything is fine for weeks to months at a time (before it worsen) but then it feels like it falls down and demolishes my feelings all at once and puts me into a state that's hard to get out of. It heals as you said but it stays with me. As i noticed, the falls get progressively harder and worse.

It happened again.

I have been bored with nothing to do. I have no friends either way or family, and the world does not interest me. I decided to watch a movie on youtube for a change, since I never watch tv or movies.

It hit me. The depression hit me as i watched it. Drives me INSANE. the comments, the god damn comments made by these sick creatures. The profiles of these creatures. I can't take this. I can't have any contact with the outside world even through the net. It always depresses me.

And it's not it. It drives my mind to wild thoughts. I want the world to have no more body. No physical body. NO gender. No good or evil. NONE OF THIS.

I want chaos. JUST chaos. Energy everywhere. No right/wrong, no good evil no gender no race no choice. CHAOS, that's all.

THat i s haven.


"/-\__/-\"