After 56, I thought it would be easier==another false hope

My orginal story began when I was four and my stepfather begin to molest me. I hever told during his life time and my mother didn't know till years afterwords. I was very good a compartmentalizing the pain, and it stayed simmering in my brain until after my stepfather died. I went through therapy which was very beneficial. In the meantime I have a stable marriage with three grown kids.

The issues that have been lately involved have and has brought the return to my depression involves my middle daughter that has lost control over her three kids because of health conditions probably brought about by drug abuse. At 28, last year she had a heart attack and flat lined on the operating table. Despite being termed terminal by her doctor, she walked out of the hospital 30 days later and resume her previous lfe stiyle.

Between her court cases and other "gifts" we have given her, it has been $10,000+ that we have spent on her in the last year. Because she has not mandated visits with her kids, I haven't see them in a year an a half. It has torn my heart out. Finally the other parent decided I could help them by keeping the kids while the parents were at work.

Today I receive an email from my son telling me that my favoring of the other two kids and not seeing his is not fair and that he is cutting off family ties.

I lost it; I see no optimism in my life. I took a half a bottle of Xanxax because it just couldn't take he pain any longer. My son is right, I have paid too much attention to my daughter and her issues to the detriment of him, hiis wife and son. I am a terrible grandmother.

I am working on throwing up the pills because I don't want to go to the hospital an be admitted as a psyche patient. I hope it works, maybe.

It goes without saying that I have never gone this before an hope I never do it again unsucessfully

Hello bereft,

Please do not be harsh on yourself. You did devote a lot of attention to your daughter, but she needed it. I mean, she was close to death. Your son is being unreasonable, especially by cutting-off the ties with the family. Give him some time alone to think about his course of acton, and I am sure that he will return to talk to you again.

I don't quite understand what you mean when you say that you are working on throwing up the pills - Would you care to explain?

Kevin

Hi Chucky,

t swalled a half a bottle of Xanax only to later have second thoughts. I reached out to a friend (unfortunately also my doctor's wife) and she said to go to ER. I don't want to be a "psych case" so I started digitally throwing them up with the help of some syrup of Iapecec.

It must have done the trick because I woke up this morning.

My thought processes are now that not only am I a failure but a coward. If there is a next time, it will be in a way the second thoughts won't be an option.

I am beyond pain, I am only hollow. My primary goal has been to have a family that was better than mine. It seems that I have entirely screwed that up, too.

You cannot take that overdosing option again. There are simply better ways to deal with your problems, but try to focus on one problem at a time. If you try to tackle all of them together, then you are certain to feel hopeless.

Kevin

Thanks for the post, Kevin.

I am chugging along but still confused, hurt, and hollow.

Coming from such a dysfunctional family, having my family around me and all getting along has been my goal as an adult.

I am a u"fixer"-- or a control freak, if you like. They are all the same thing. But I can't fix everything or everyone and lately nothing and no one.

I can't find that happy medium and I will like I am being drawn and quartered like they did in the medieval times.

Plus, now my doc knows that I did what I did. He has been a great resource, and I don't know what he is going to do when I go back to see him. I can bet money he won't prescribe Xanax for me anymore. Other than using it to sleep, I wasn't taking it much anyway.

I think the worse thing about what I did was that it proved what a fraud I am. I may appear to have it together, but underneath I am still so vulnerable.

Best,

Hey again,

The next time you see your doctor, he will probably try to be stern at first but, if he sees that you are genuinely remorseful about what you did, then he will probably end-up taking the 'hand on your shoulder' approach, and be sympathetic. I have had a few such visits to doctors, simply because each and every time I've overdosed or tried to kill myself, I have been open and honest and told them about it.

Kevin

Kevin,

I hope so. I have been asked before, and even by him, if I felt suicidal. Until this episode, I could honestly say no. I have always been a "survivor" who would refuse to cave in and give any of my tormentors the satisfaction of thinking they had won.

Best,

It's strange when they ask that question to you, isn't it? You're not sure if you should tell the truth and say 'yes', because then you wonder what on Earth they'll do to you (pump you full of drugs; send you away to a psychiatric hospital; etc.). However, if you lie and say 'no', then you know that you are denying yourself the correct treatment that you may need.

Whenever my doctor asked me that question - and I said 'yes' - I always felt as if I had just conceded the long and futile battle against my depression. It was like dropping my shield and weapon and admitting that I've got no hope of battling it.

Kevin

Yes, it is a dam$%d if you do and dam$%d if you don't scenario.

Although I have physically hurt myself before, I never did anything that would be permanent or close to it.

I always felt as if I had just conceded the long and futile battle against my depression. It was like dropping my shield and weapon and admitting that I've got no hope of battling it.

I understand that feeling. Like you, I am sure, I don't know why I was dealt the hand that I got, but there has to be some rhyme or reason and I am still working on that part of the puzzle.

Best,

B.

bereft wrote:I understand that feeling. Like you, I am sure, I don't know why I was dealt the hand that I got, but there has to be some rhyme or reason and I am still working on that part of the puzzle.

Nor do I know why I was 'dealt the hand' that I have been given but, one philosophy that I stick to that helps me get through tough times is this: There is a positive in every negative. For example, if I got sacked from my job, the positive could be that I probably wouldn't have been happy working there long term anyway (Plus, a change is usually a good thing). Another example is if I break my leg while doing something stupid - The positive is that I will have become wiser and will know not to do the stupid thing again!

Kevin