I'm so full of it

Sorry for the rant but I had to get it off my back

For the past week I've been really really numb inside. Like if someone grabbed inside and took all emotions away from me. Every single thing lost its meaning. I can't see the point of anything and nothing really matters anymore. I also sense that something is draining all my energy. From the moment I wake up, till I go to bed again, I walk around in the house like a zombie not knowing where to go. Often I'd get confused not knowing what I'm doing. Like I would want to go to the kitchen but I would forget which way the kitchen is so I have to stop and think really hard until I can remember. And when I'm there I already forgot why I'm there and I'd look around like some confused moron trying to figure out why I went to the kitchen.

This is really starting to piss me off and I don't know what's draining all of my energy and making me so confused. I sleep enough at night and I don't have any activities during daytime. I spend most of my days in front of the computer surfing the Net and in the evening watching a movie or listening to music...

Hi, Grozdan! Maybe it's all adding up. You might need to get some exercise and eat better. I can feel drained too if I don't work out and don't eat well. I'm not saying that is all, but it might help.
Is there anything bad going on in your life now, or did something happen in the past that might be making you depressed?
You don't need to dwell on that, though. Try to improve your life a little. I hope this helped.

jasmin wrote:Hi, Grozdan! Maybe it's all adding up. You might need to get some exercise and eat better. I can feel drained too if I don't work out and don't eat well. I'm not saying that is all, but it might help.
Is there anything bad going on in your life now, or did something happen in the past that might be making you depressed?
You don't need to dwell on that, though. Try to improve your life a little. I hope this helped.

Hi jasmin,

I tried exercising but I just don't have the energy for it. I feel so weak right now that when I start exercising it sucks every little bit of energy left over and I can't do it.

Is there anything bad going on in my life? Lets see... I can't go out of my house 'cause I'm so phobic of people and if I do get out I don't know where to go or what to do. I don't find pleasure in anything and when I'm out there I get this urge to get back home. I think all the time about how to solve my paranoia and social phobia and it's like my brain is doing over hours thinking about where to go and how to seek help, but at the same time I'm just too scared to go seek help. I have this constant feeling in me that if I seek help, no one would get me and all of the effort will be for nothing and I'll be back there where I started. This is driving me nuts and I'm constantly thinking about my future and how to get out of this misery. I don't think I can do it though, I can't see myself getting up every single day and going to work. I can't even find work!!!

Anyway, thanks for listening

Hey! Could you try to take a little walk every day and see how it goes? I go out every day, even if it's just for five minutes, and I don't seem to be as anxious as I used to be about leaving the house. Getting used to going out every day for hours would be difficult for me, though. You don't have to do anything that you are not comfortable with.
A cardio work out and drinking green tea helps me, but I guess you have to find what works for you.

yeah, I go out every now and then but only at midnight when there are no people on the streets. And when I go out, I don't really know where to go. I usually end up sitting on a bench in a park nearby and looking in front of me for 20-30 minutes without moving much. It feels like I can't sense what's going on around me and I somehow fall deep inside myself to the point where reality dissolves and there's nothing but me and the tree in front of where I'm sitting.

Last night, I said to myself "Now, I'm gonna go to the night shop nearby to get something to drink" but halfway through I freaked out when I saw people coming my way, so I didn't go to the shop and returned home walking really quickly.

A few weeks ago, I had to go with my mom to a few offices to sort some administrative stuff and we had to pass a shopping street full of people. In the middle of the street, I fully collapsed in myself. I froze inside so hard that I had to stop 'cause I couldn't move/walk anymore...

Grozdan, are you seeing someone about this? I understand that you might not be able to, I can't find a decent therapist either.
Maybe it would help if you went out early in the morning when you're not that likely to run into a lot of people and have someone walk with you.

No, I don't see anyone at the moment. I don't have any money and my mom lives with very little too so she can't help me much. A year ago, I was committed to a psychiatry and they put me in a group of about 50 people and we had to eat together and do therapy together. I stayed there for only a week then I took off because I really couldn't take it. I was the whole time frozen inside when I was among these people and I just couldn't think or do anything at all. I didn't even do one single session of therapy. I kinda locked myself in in the room they put me and after a week it became too much so I took off. Later, I went there for counseling for 3-4 months and the doc hooked me up on Sipralexa and Zyprexa. It cleared up my depression a bit, but it did little to my paranoia/social phobia. Then I stopped going there because of financial difficulties and a month or two later, the depression got back...

I'll try to go out in the morning if I get up that early. Usually I go to bed at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning because I can't sleep and the next day I wake up at noon.

It's a shame that people who need help just can't get it. I bet that you can make progress on your own, if you give it your best, though. It's all about making your life better. Keep me posted!