My depression is destroying me...

The last few weeks i feel pretty emotionless somtimes and dont care much about things anymore when this happens it comes at least 1 time a day, at the time i dont care about staying alive i dont care if i die, i feel pretty flat i still do feel emotions but somtimes i will get emotionless after it or ill just block them for no reason somtimes. I dont care about getting back to "normal" cos woud it be realy any better? Happiness feels like dryed leaf its easly destroyed. I just dont give a ###$ anymore, somtimes i just sit down or walk around in the house and try to make my head empty cos the more i think of it the emptyer and emotionless i get, mostly it doesnt work. While being empty and emotionless at that time everything feels fake, useless and pointless, i just feel like letting myself fall on the ground closing my eyes and never wake up and at same time i dont care whatever happens. I somtimes feel like doin self harming again (when im not in the emotionless state thing if i am i just dont care), it woud hurt like hell but after it i get this warm feeling that hugs me.

I dont feel like talking with som person about it, cos a feeling in me says im gonna regret it realy badly and only woud make it worse and not better wich it will do. The only thing it will do is let them know how ###$ up i am and i woud probably be very ashamed cos i feel like i have no right to be depressed and $#%^. I feel dead inside. The only way to let it a out is here...

I founded 1 thing that caused me to be depressed but seems there are still other things that cause me to be depressed

Hi,

What is the thing that you found which depresses you? Whatever it is, stay away from it and eliminate it if you can. Anyway, if you were 'normal', then - yes - of course you would feel better. I think that you probably just forget what it is like to be normal (because you are too depressed).

What do you do each day of your life? If you just stay at home, then you are certain to feel depressed everyday. You need to get something into your life, something to do each day like work or college. We have a saying here: 'The Devil makes hard work of idle thumbs' - This basically means that, when we have nothing to do, we develop bad habits.

Take care,
Kevin

Well 1 of the things that cuased me to be depressed had kinda todo with my social phobia, i noticed it was realy hard for me to be relaxed in social situations and it didnt go away only got worse by time, and first people pretty much bullied me about it. First i thought if i woud be 20+ i woud be back like i was when i was younger, i thought it was som "teenage fase". But it will never be the same, i accepted it and noticed i dont realy care much about being relaxed in social situations.

I stay inside all day cos my good friends live pretty far away, it sucks, if i want to go i need to take 2 bus trips and then walk for another 40-50mins and when goin back i need to do the same, + the time i spend on waiting for goin from 1 bus to the other. I goed once, my friends father picked me and an other friend up and brought us to his home and we had a nice day together.

The reason that i dont go outside here is most people here are taking drugs and i dont fit in their behavior, som of them are like "walking the path to become a criminal" and drag others with them that were once my best friends.

Ive been thinking to do som work, do you know somthing were i dont need to come in contact with people?

DarkComrade,

I feel exactly the same way for the past week. To me, it feels like something or someone has sucked out the life of me and all that is left over is this bag of meat that walks around in house without a purpose. I feel so empty and numb inside that it's even interfering with my thinking. I don't feel anything at the moment. There's this void inside of me that could be filled up with all the water from the oceans and even that won't be enough to fully fill it in.

Ye i feel somtimes like som1 put a substance piston(stofzuiger) at my belly button and sucked everything out of me, or like theres a black hole were my heart shoud be and everything that i shoud feel gets sucked in it immediatly and dont feel a thing of it. Its like shouting against a concrete wall. Or like you want to bite in a piece of cake and when you bite it gets dragged away under your nose and youll just bite in air

Somtimes it works like a defence mechanism when im down or sad it woud happen everytime. And somtimes it happens for no reason.

I try to enjoy every good moment, and try to fight this feeling.

DarkComrade, buy your local newspaper and search for jobs in it. You will probably see something in it that does not involve contact with people. However, you should not forever have this restriction in your life (i.e. - being afraid of people). If you want your life to be easier, you will have to try now to communicate with people more and more. I know that this will be a hard thing to do, but you must try.

I have friends scattered around Ireland but I have no urge to see any of them. I have learned to be comfortable on my own. I communicate a lot with people at my job though - I work in a science laboratory.

Kevin

I know i must communicate with people, i try this at school as much as i can, if i like someone, wich are just a few. And im not realy a talking person, but that doesnt bother my best friends i have now, they told me they somhow like it, not that they want me to shut up but they are ok with it.

What do you exactly do at the science laboratory? Ive always been curious what people do there

Hey again my friend,

People do different things at different laboratories. At my one, I test water-samples for Bacterial contamination (For example, E. coli and Clostridium spp.). The laboratory is owned by the council for Dublin city, and the water-samples that I test are from rivers, lakes, streams, beaches, and taps from people's houses in Dublin.

It is very interesting work, and that means that talking to my workmates is easy. So, maybe you need to be doing something that you enjoy, to be able to become comfortable around people. That is why everyone should always do what they want, and not what others expect them to do. Do you know what I mean?

Kevin

Yep i know what ya mean, i always try that. What realy got my intrest is investigating the paranormal, its such a mysterie wich often cant be explained with scientific proof. I woud like to visit the most haunted places on earth with som friends (they dont believe in such things but whatever), it woud give me a serious kick, if scary things happen and scary things started to be seen with my very own eyes and that of my friends, and things being heard. It woud frighten me but thats what makes it so excited, even if im a bit paranoid about such things it woud defnitly help me to overcome it. Though i know i cant make that my job it woud be a nice hobby

I don't believe in paranormal things, but I do believe that some people can 'read' the minds of other people; and I think that it can be explained scientifically: The brain operates on electrical impulses, right? An electrical impulse has an associated electromagnetic field around it. So, I believe that the brains of some people are very sensitive to electromagnetism and can 'read' the electromagnetic fields that emanate from the brains of other people close-by.

The best example of this is when you are talking to someone and you both admit to thinking the same thing at the same time. I think that this is because one person has accidentally 'read' the mind of the other person.

You may not be able to make a career out of this paranormal stuff, but you can make a career out of something similar/related to it. Do you have any intention of going to college? I think that a philosophy or psychology course would suit you.

Kevin