hello. am i still depressed?

hello.

i'm a 21 year old girl from england, i would say woman but honestly i don't feel mature enough to call myself that. i recently left university halfway through my second year because i was failing my classes- didn't want to go to them, felt like i was a failure, etc. i was at art school and i felt like this great big untalented troll that everyone would laugh at.

i was also having a lot of trouble with my sleep. i am slowly coming to realise that i am an online game addict, i spend most of my time awake playing rpgs. i would often, and still do, wake up at 5 or 6pm and play until 9am then fall into bed. often not wanting to get up and eat and just chain smoking and drinking juice. i have always had sleep irregularities though, apparently since i was a baby, and i would often stay up till 4am when i was at school.

i think i really fell into this pattern during my first year of university, all of my housemates were drug taking party animals and i have done all that at the age of 16/17 and (i think) don't need that in my life any more because it doesn't make me any happier. so when they went out at night i would stay at home talking to my internet friends, and since they were american this would often be until 6 or 7am. looking back i think i am wrecking my chances of a real life to be with people who accept me. but this is the only way i can forget about being so unhappy.

i've never been the sort to have close friends so maybe this is what i've always needed, but no one around me can accept it. i have moved back home to live with my parents, every time my mum sees me she will tell me to "get off the ######6 machine", the computer.

i really can't stand living with my mother but in an odd way i feel safer here than i did staying at university. when i was there i would hallucinate rats and mice running around the room, would even make my housemates check amongst my filthy room to find them (of course there never were any)

this is despite the fact my mum can never say a kind word to me, or a word of encouragement, this has always been rare from her, but now i just feel like a waste of time and a burden. she is not a very emotionally stable person and is also menopausal. i remember when i passed my exams(gcses with all As) we had a celebratory dinner with my dad who she is separated from and she walked out halfway through.

she will often "stalk" me around the house whenever i try to get away from her, calling me lazy, selfish, and a leech on her money and hard work (because of all the electricity my computer uses? i buy all my own food and necessities myself as well as many things for her like wine and cosmetics etc when she asks.)

when i first came back here at easter, before i'd decided to leave uni, we got in a big fight and i threatened to kill myself, it was snowing outside which was so weird for april, and so cold, i was wandering around in it for an hour and she sent her boyfriend to come and fetch me back, and didn't talk to me for several days. i feel guilty about trying to hurt others with my bad feelings, but i don't know if it even affected her. she certainly never acknowledged it again.

when i was 14 or 15 i was severely depressed because i was overweight and had other body issues. after i saw a doctor about it i overheard her talking about me on the phone to one of her friends, saying i was lying to get attention and didn't deserve to waste people's time. once i was so upset and sad at night, i couldn't sleep thinking everyone at school hated me for being ugly, i pried a razor blade from a shaving razor and wounded myself so badly that the scar now is about the size of the 1st joint of my thumb. i felt so belittled by what she was saying, like i was just pretending.

today i am more emotionally "stable" in that i have taught myself to recover quickly from these mini seizures where i would shake and cry in self hatred and sometimes cut myself. but i feel like i am on auto pilot a lot, i dont do anything except sit at the computer, i feel uncomfortable in talking to others in case they say something cruel. i am afraid of taking a job because of what co workers think of me.

i used to work in a supermarket and my managers would regularly make cruel jokes about my weight and appearance, they would call me "beefy" like those beefy and lamby meat adverts and make crude jokes about me being a dyke because i was stocky. it got so bad i started having panic attacks at work, on one or two occasions being taken to A&E. i'm worried the same thing will happen again, that my appearance would not fit in since i have frizzy hair, broad shoulders, big hips, not a delicate looking little flower.

i'm also afraid that working will destroy the relationship with the few friends i have who live all over the world, since if i am working in an office 8am-5pm i will not be able to stay up late enough to even talk to them. i dont want to think about the future for this reason, i just stay in this numb little bubble where i am ugly and fat and dull and worthless, and i don't know how to leave it.

i'm sorry for this stupidly long post, i hope if you have managed to read through it you don't think i am a loser like everyone else in my life does. i am not stupid, not disabled, i am probably lazy and selfish, but i feel like my life is covered with this grey haze that i see everything through. right now the sun is shining and it's supposed to be a beautiful day, but all i see outside are people who are successful and happy, and here i am in this dark room that stinks of cigarettes, trying to justify wanting to cry all the time.

I think you are still depressed cos like you said you feel numb, feeling numb happens mostly with depressed people.

I myself also spend alot of my time on the computer and i dont see anything wrong with it, i know i dont have a "life". People tell me alot i dont have a life, but like i give a $#%^ what they say, i enjoy what im doing and thats what matters IMO.

Like you i also got problems falling asleep from since i was a child, as a child i woud somtimes get hyper in my bed cos i was sooo bored in bed and with that i hoped to get tired and fall asleep, wich woudnt happen...

Some people told me im selfish, but its not my intention to be selfish i try to think of others as much as i can, although i dont see myself as a selfish person so i dont consider myself as a selfish person. Im prepared to give my life for som1 whom i care about even if it will hurt like hell as long they wont feel it, is that being selfish?

Im 2 a lazy person im also very slow in doing things but i dont realy noticed it myself, people get often angry when im working cos im slow and start yelling that i shoud be faster, wich makes me feel like i shoud be even more slower.

Personaly i hate sunny days.