Getting Worse

Oh well, things have got to get better soon. I thought I'd already hit rock bottom, but I saw my T today and she says I look even more depressed than the last time.

I'm not feeling any better, even though they doubled my meds. June is the month of my mom's, my dad's and my birthday's. With Mother's Day just the month before and Father's Day just being a week ago, I think I have reason to be a bit more depressed. I hope I get through the birthday season, before the death season starts in September.

I do just sit in my room. I don't much interest in anything. I play a few games online, but they don't bring me any joy, anymore. I do get up and cook supper (most nights). So, it's not like I'm in total hibernation, I'd just like to be.

I need a break, but don't see how that can happen. My husband took a short trip the other day. I asked him if he'd take the kids. He got all upset and asked why he always had to take them with him, everywhere. That's really an overstatement on his part. For those that's don't know the background, he's an over the road truck driver and we have 4 kids, 5 now that his son is here for the summer. I NEVER get a break! Even if they were to all go somewhere, we have these little barkin' ass dogs!! T recommended Respite, LOL, like I have time to check in someplace for a few days of rest. Right now, the Yorkie is barking her butt off!!

I'm just so aggravated and depressed at the same time! I want to scream at my husband and older kids that they could do more, at least do their share. But I know from the past, it doesn't work. My husband says I'm not hard enough. I say I'm just not strong enough. I don't want to be constantly yelling and fussing about their chores. They know what they have to do.

Then there's my 14 year old, the one that seems to stay in trouble. He got to go to his father's for a few days. He came home and his sister went. She calls to let me know my son had been smoking pot with his father! OMG! I knew every detail of what happened before he came home. I couldn't speak to him the first day, because my husband and gone and got him and they discussed it and my son denied it and my husband believed him, somewhat. I finally called him into my room and told him from the beginning, that I was going to ask him a question, that I already knew the answer to and all I wanted from him was for him to tell me the truth. I asked, he denied it! I took out a bible, told him to swear on the bible, that it didn't happen. He did, without blinking!

Then I gave him a play by play of what happened and he knew he was busted. Only then did he tell me it happened. Damn, I can understand peer pressure, but parental pressure!! What was he supposed to do? I'd rather him "just say no" but, hey, it's his dad!! and he's a teenager (14!). I know kids experiment with drugs, but his dad is in way further than just smoking pot, he's a full blown addict. Don't think he'd ever use a needle, but if you can take, drink or inhale it, he'll do it! So, what's next, "here son, have a hit of this meth". I don't intend for him to go back. My ex has one hell of a temper and I know he'll go crazy when I tell him the kids won't be back. Then there's my daughter. She knows her dad is messed up, but she still loves him and her family there and says there is no way he could get her to do any kind of drug and I believe her, but the enviroment there isn't always safe and they don't understand that. She's going to feel like she wished she'd never said anything, will blame herself

"I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking, 6 feet ain't so far down"


Pam

You should see about getting counseling, and if you need to spend a week at a mental hospital, so be it. At least you can get rest while in there, and your hubby will have to take care of everything.

What would he prefer: you in a hospital, or dead?

I would prefer you get help, and don't have any regrets about saving your own life. What would your kids do without you?

Tell your family you need a break, or you will be forced to leave (if you have a place to go to get away from them all)

This is just my thoughts, and opinions, and I know things can get so overwhelming, you think death is the only escape. It's not.

Hey Pam!

I certainly don't have any great advice to give here. What I can say though, is that being 22 and looking back at how my mother treated me, I was blessed. I am grateful to her everyday. It sounds like you're a really great mother...and in growing up, that was the most important thing to me. My dad was an asshole, still is, but my mom really stepped up to the plate and pulled through for us.

As far as the drugs go, be extremely careful with how you handle that! I've seen friends literally go from marijuana to cocaine to heroin...at 17. If you're too intrusive/aggressive with your son, it could perpetuate his experimentation. I don't know how these things work, but just use caution. Drugs are still a problem for me today and I feel like I'd be much better off had I never continued using them after that experimentation.

God Bless and peace!

I think rather than being angry about your son smoking pot, you need to explain to him about other drugs. That while pot seems harmless, other drugs are not. As long as he knows that he'll be ok.

Hi Pam! How are ya girl? We haven't talked in forever and I hope you're okay.