Downward Spiral

I think I just need to b*tch, so no need to read this, unless you just want to.

I can't stop crying. I've never been a depressed person, before, but I recently (April 2) lost my mother to cancer. I've already lost my father and 2 brothers. I have 2 other brothers, still living, but one is in Japan and the other I hardly ever see or hear from, so I'm feeling a bit "orphaned" right now. I know this is probably all part of the grief process, but my life is too full and complicated for me to fall apart, right now. I have a total of 7 kids in my home, right now, aging from 4-20. 4 are my "birth children", one is adopted and the other 2 I'm working on with a mentoring program. I have a husband that I love dearly, but his job keeps him away from home about 99% of the time. When my mother got sick, he came home to take care of the kids so I could take care of my mother. There was no other choice, but 5 weeks without him working has hurt us bad!! Another reason to be depressed!! Some say I bring it on myself, having so many extra kids in the house, but seeing them accomplishing their goals of getting their GED's and Driver's License and Jobs is a highlight in my life. My husband and I have never had any financial problems to this point before, but the kids from the state say they've been in lots worse. There are other programs the state will help them out with, like food, but they have to apply and with all the other things going on in my life, I've taken them all and picked up the forms, but we just haven't sent them back in yet

Then I had to clean out my mother's apartment, by myself. It was emotionally hard to throw/give away her things. Cleaning out that apartment cut the last tie I had to her, so I put it off till the last moment, but finally got it all done in the last hour (12 pm, April 30).

THEN, my adoptive son has a disorder that I won't go into, due to privacy reasons. But due to his disorder, I've been posting on another forum. Some of the people on the forum are very fragile, so I do my best not to upset anyone. Well, I did and it was like a knife in the heart. I don't know why it upset me so badly, but I apologized and posted that due to me not having this disorder, I had no right to invade on their forum and was not going to post anymore, unless it had to do with my son. Someone on the forum told me I scared them and they didn't trust me. Upsetting a child is very upsetting to me. It would be the last thing on this earth that I would ever do! But I guess I felt a little too comfortable on that forum, seeing as I'd dealt with people in my life with that particular disorder for about 10 years. I would rather hurt myself before I hurt someone else.

I don't know, maybe it's hormonal, lol, but all I do is cry.

Thank you to those that made it this far. I'll stop now

Pam

i just wanted you to know that someone is listening..if you need to vent just pm me..i am a good listener

I saw you say you were going to "bug" people on the depression forum and had to come look, lol. I know, I am nosy.

I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles. I'm feeling the downward spiral too as my parents hang moving out over my head, threaten to call attorneys and continually try to turn me against the other one. My "friends" have abandoned me due to bad rumors so I have no one. And when I say no one, I mean that quite literally. Ok, ok, there is a point to this. My point is NOT to hijack your thread, though it may seem that way. Sorry! My point is that you're not alone. It may feel like it, and you may think you are, but you're not. Your post just let me see that - right now I'm seeing all my "friends" go on without me, and be perfectly fine with it, along with my parents both wanting to move out, and my father apparently not wanting me to come with but my mother not going into a place where my dog can come, etc. (I can't legally move out for another couple months as I'm only 17) Basically, it seems like I'm sitting here and everyone else is happy and making the best of their lives. But that's not true. And there's no better advice than company. I'm not happy that you're feeling this way, and I really, truly hope it gets better, but for the time being, maybe we just have to do our best and let life run it's course.

Sorry if that sounded dumb, haha. I sometimes just type...and then think about it later!

Well, Pam, if you want to PM me, please do. I'm always open to listening - especially if I can help someone. Good luck and I hope you feel better.

Thanks for the replies and Jenna, thanks for coming to check on me. I KNOW you are at a tough point in your life, but know, things constantly change, especially at your age! I have a 16 yr old daughter and she's in the middle of all this mess, plus dealing with a drug addicted/wife beating father (my EX). Sounds like your parents are being selfish and vendictive and you're just caught in the middle! My ex tried to use the kids in our divorce We had some hard years, but on that end of my life, the divorce and kids, it's much better now, other than the occasional drunken call to the kids.

I'm not feeling any better, today. Not sure when my next T appt is, but I hope it's soon!

I need to reduce some of my stress. I just don't know how. Just the thought of my mother makes me cry. My eyes are swollen from all this mess! Then there's the older kids in the house! The house rules are to be up by 9 ready to do whatever needs doing by 10. I think that's very reasonable!! But it's not been happening. These are some good kids! They just weren't raised to appreciate anything, I guess. I gave the oldest my last $40 to put gas in my truck to move his grandmother, but has he done anything I put on his list? Take a guess, I'm sure you'll guess right. NO. The 18 yr old girl is doing pretty good, but still not where I'd like her to be. She had a chance to take her GED in one day. We have over 40 miles to drive for her to test. She chose to split the test into 2 days, 2 weeks apart, so that's not helping her get a job any faster and it's costing me quite a bit in gas and there are days, like today, I don't have the gas nor the money to get her there. The second part is in 2 days and I'm not foreseeing any fortune falling into my lap anytime soon. My mom was my rock. She always came through when things got tough. Losing her, also caused me to lose my best friend or what I thought was my best friend. She worked for my mother. Came over in the mornings, checked her sugar level, cleaned the apartment and did any shopping (in my car) for my mother. After my mother died, I realized that she wasn't taking care of my mother out of the love she claimed to feel, but the extra money she was getting out of my mother. She's had the nerve to take my mother's dishes and replace them with mismatched dishes she had. Also, her drinking glasses were gone and we found mainly jars in her cabinet for glasses?? When we asked my "best" friend about this, she gave some cock and bull story about how my mother didn't like the dishes and gave them to her? My mom had used these dishes for a year before we ever hired this woman! Even after my mother died, she went into the apartment and helped herself. While my mother was in the hospital, we found on her bank statement that "someone" was buying a carton of cigarettes a week and I know my mom wasn't doing it! So that was like a knife in my back. To think I trusted this woman with my mother, cared about her like a sister and she did so many things behind our backs to drain an old woman of her money. And if she hadn't, maybe I wouldn't be so far behind with my money situation, but we couldn't find a bag my mother kept with who owed her what and her insurance policies in it. We never found the bag. I had to put out quite a bit of my own money, more than my 2 brothers did and one is single, no kids and the other is retired living on an island in Japan, making tons of money, but his wife wears the pants and he had to call her just to get approval to pay $600 towards the funeral! I paid over $400 out of my pocket just for the spray for the coffin (those guys make a killing at death!) and I've got all these kids, at home.

I could just throw the older ones out. Just be another person in their lives that gave up on them and tossed them to the wind. They're used to it! That may help my stress, that is, if I'm able to not worry myself to death wondering where they are and if they're okay, but I don't believe it will help my depression one bit! It will just make me feel like a bigger failure. What do they call this, a paradox?

Usually things get bad, then something happens and things get turned back around, but this time, we've never gotten this far and I don't see us being able to "turn around" any time soon.

Thanks for reading,
Pam

like i said before i am listening ...vent all you like, i wish i could help you out but i cannot so all i can do is listen for you

Hi Pam! Once again, here I am to check on you, lol! I can't help it. You remind me sooooo much of a good friend of mine who I never get to talk to anymore. I'm one of those weird kids who gets along much better with adults than kids, and you sound just like her! Seriously, I wish you two could meet!

ANYWAY. Enough about me! I am so sorry to hear that you're not feeling better. For stress, I recommend allowing yourself 5-10 minutes of "nothing" time. Or, rather, YOU time. Just go in your room, shut the door, lay in bed and just let your mind drift. Don't think about anything except relaxing. Maybe turn on some calm music. Maybe it sounds cliche, but oftentimes it's all you can do to calm down.

About your mother...I'm really sorry about your "friend" ultimately screwing you/her over. It's a shame to say that the world contains many very, very bad people. But then, of course, there are the good ones...people like your mother. I can't even imagine how you feel, but I do know that you are very lucky to have had such a great mom. As you see with some of the kids in your home, that is not always the case. Now, along with having a great mother, you have an angel watching over you. And when you need a breather, or some help, hear your mom's voice in your head, telling you what you think she would say. Or, that's what I do anyway...

Awww, please don't say you don't see things turning around. What goes up must come down, but what goes down also has to come up. Because there's ground there! lol! Think positive, and keep venting to us if that helps you!

Sorry for my teenagery advice. I'm doing my best! lol! Even if I'm not helping, I look out for your posts so I'll at least be reading. Hope to hear from you soon!