f***ing empty

I don't know why i came here. it's 5 in the morning and my mind is racing. i didn't know where else to go. the point is that yesterday the neighbors found out i had vandalized their shed a couple months ago and im going to have to pay a large fine for it. my dad wasn't too happy about it but i wasn't in trouble with him, and i'm not going to be taken to court (thank god!).

then i went to a neighbor's house. i've lived by for 5 years and just recently got the courage up to start hanging out with her because of my severe SAD, but i couldn't stay long because she had to go hang out with her boyfriend.

Then I went to the store and bought a four oz. bottle of vanilla extract and drank it. btw it's not the first time i've done that.

my dad came home and i was feeling low so he took me out to eat. he could tell i was on something but he assumed i had gotten high at the neighbor's house. i used to get high over there but recently quit smoking weed due to the anxiety it was causing me. i told him i hadn't gotten high over there and he didn't believe me but part of me wished he was right. i couldn't tell him the truth.

i crashed in front of the tv and thats when i woke up with the nagging feeling that i couldn't be more empty inside if i tried. i have no direction in life, no hobbies or interests, no real friends, never had a real boyfriend, i miss my mom (who lives in another state), i don't like my job, my grades are mediocre, i'm going to lose all the money i've saved up in the past year because of some stupid $#%^ i did when i was angry, and i'm drinking vanilla to get high. and all this is nothing new. i've felt like this every since i moved in with my dad. what's next. when am i every going to be freaking happy?! i try and i try and i try but nothing i do every makes anything better! i feel liike crying but it only makes me feel worse when i do.

i hate my life.... but i don't hate myself anymore like i used to so i guess that's a step up. it took me forever to realize that i am a worthwhile human being deserving of love and happiness. i struggled with self-hatred and won and god damnit if anyone deserves to have self esteem it's me, i've earned it. i'm finally breaking out of my shell (got a job, talking to people i want to get to know...) and my 17th birthday is coming up in July. i guess those are all things to look forward to. i don't know why i feel so horrible it's probably just because i feel ashamed and hung over from ddrinking the vanilla.

Honey (please don't take offense, I'm from the south and everyone is either "Honey" or "Baby"),

You are at a time in your life that you're supposed to confused! Please don't think I'm making out like your a kid, because I'm not. And the some people expect you to have a plan at your age, which is ridiculous! I have a daughter your age who is an honor student (I know, probably the kind of girls you hate, I did too!) but she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life and I let her know that's fine! Some people work at jobs all their lives and aren't happy because they "choose" their paths too early in life, only to find out later, they would have rather gone into a different field. Even some college kids don't have a path worked out.

As for the shed, think of it as a life lesson. If you've learned something from it, good! I know it sucks to have to pay out your hard earned money, but if the feeling to vandalize something else should arise, you'll think twice. Believe me, I also have an 18 yr old son that is having to hundrends in court fees and fines. All over little things, but now they're with him for the rest of his life But he has bigger problems we'll have to work through with a therapist.

As for feeling empty, I'm in my 40's and I've felt that way quite a few times in my life. It was just like a gray funk that seemed to stay with me everywhere I went. And it also seemed that "gray funk" would cause other problems, like no matter where I was going or what I was doing, it got F**ck'd up. I'd spill my soda, tear my shirt, the register at the store would mess up while I was checking out, everything would go wrong!

When I was younger, whenever that funk was around me, I guess I seemed pretty unapproachable by other kids at school, hence, no friends. Then I seemed to somehow work myself out of that shell. Even though I was the same person, people found me more approachable. You'd be amazed how wearing a smile effects those around you. True beauty comes from within, because even though I looked the same as I did before, I began getting asked out!

You've got to learn to love yourself first and foremost! And YES YOU DO DESERVE LOVE!! Everyone does, but it's not going to just fall into our laps, well, on TV it does all the time, but I just haven't seen that in my neck of the woods! And even those that have people that love them dearly feel unloved at times.

In my opinion, which might not be worth your time reading this, if your actually did, lol Don't give up and don't give in. You may just be a caterpiller right now, but there is a butterfly in all of us that will, someday, come out and show our real beauty.

If you like surfing the net, find a site that has something to do with how to learn to love yourself, like thinking about your good points and not centering on what you feel is wrong with you. Smile even if you don't feel like it, make people wonder what your smiling about lol.

As for the vanilla, as a parent, that one is new to me, but thanks for the heads up BUT, again, as a parent, I bet your dad might be upset about it, but believe me, I'd much rather hear my kid's been hitting the spice rack other than the crack streets! But who knows, Vanilla might be one of those gateway drugs that get you to try harder stuff. If you start snorting the Paprika, you REALLY need help! I'm not trying to make fun of your situation, just trying to make you smile!

Hope you get to feeling better. Sending you some Anti-Gray Funk spray!!

Pam

Hey,

I was up at 5AM this morning too and I woke up ina pool of cold sweat. I also used to vandalise things in my neighbourhood but it all stopped when the police were called-in. I'm now 25.

Anyway, I assume that your relationship with your parents is somewhat okay. So, I think it'd be a good idea to tell them how you're feeling. If you feel that you cannot open-up to your family, then continue posting here for the moment. Whetever the case, it is good to talk/write about problems and not hang onto them.

Kevin.

thanks both of you guys for your reply. i was just feeling down then, im feeling better now. it comes and goes. but thank you so much. sometimes it's just nice knowing someone he ars you.

You're most welcome! Glad things are going better for you!

Pam

Hey,

Yes, whenever you feel bad, it's a good idea to just explain how you are feeling to someone. If you have no-one to actually talk to about it, then just come back here and write it all out. There will always be someone to read it.

Take care,
Kevin.