hi

I'm just here to vent I guess. I'm 18, and theres nothing physically wrong with me, I have a nice car and a so-so family, and an amazing, caring girlfriend.

A little over 2 years ago I came here seeking help for my problem. I thought I was schizophrenic, the doctor told me I wasn't but I had way too many symptoms for it not to be. He told me I was delusional and depressed. I started with antipsychotics which did nothing but turn me into a zombie. Instead the doc suggested I get fans or sound makers for while I sleep, such as ocean noises. I did both and it worked out great until 6 months or so ago. The noise maker stopped working but I still used fans. I noticed though that I still heard voices when it was quiet enough. I could never make them out, it sounded like two men on the radio talking to each other but talking gibberish.

So then I went onto antidepressants, and it seemed to help me out some, and eventually I got off of them. Here I am a year and a half or so later and it seems like I'm just slipping back to where I was. Recently I've just had a lack of motivation to do much of anything, and I just want to lay around all the time. I hate my #######5 job at a grocery store but can't get anything better.

On top of all this I got into an accident wednesday. Luckily its only a quarter panel and a wheel that needs fixed but it was not having control over it and I hardly have any money to fix it. Its going to make me pretty much completely broke.

Back to the voices. I was laying with my girlfriend a week or two ago and I heard voices pretty clear. Again, they weren't saying anything but it was louder than it ever was, and seemed female this time. In the past X amount of years since I've been off the meds, I've only seen one thing. I was sitting on my bed and saw what looked like the feet of someone passing by the hall. I'm not even sure if I saw it or just thought I did but it freaked me out.

I just hate being where I am right now. I got a speeding ticket a month ago and they just gave me a careless driving ticket (not my fault..completely). I want to get into the automotive program but I doubt with this on my record I'll be allowed in. Its a good thing I dont want to be a police officer anymore, because I doubt I'd be able to get into that either. I just feel like because of these #######5 circumstances my future is in jeopardy.

I just want to be happy. Its like no matter what I do things just fall back to where they were. Its like sometimes I'm happy, whenever I'm with my girlfriend for instance, but even then I'm not. Shes picked up on it and is concerned it seems. She knows fully about my past and doesn't want me to go back there. I don't know if I should go back to a psychologist or just ride it out, I mean its just paying a guy to vent, which is all I'm doing here. I really dont want to take meds again either.

I can't really think of where I was even going with this. I guess I just really wanted to get all of this off my chest. I feel so bad and I just want to read my old posts to see how bad it was, I dont know if I want to feel bad for myself or see how #######5 it was to compare to now.

just got done reading posts from my old thread. I feel alot better for some reason just reading how everything was so bad and how I dealt with them.

I've realized something tonight. Having someone to care makes all the difference in the world. Even meeting someone online such as fyguitarist and element changed how I felt about everything. Just being able to get it off your chest and talk to someone made me feel good. If you're feeling bad about yourself find someone to talk to, don't bottle it up.

Try listening to music when and before you go to sleep, that is the only way I can get to sleep unless I have been sleep depreived for a few days and just pass out, or sleep in a room with a television and leave it on.
Don't tell yourself that you can't get a better job. Start taking classes at a community college (they are just as good as a 4 year college) take a few classes each semester, so that its not as much of a finacial burden.
Or take out a student loan if you can.
I know its easier said then done, expecialy since your already broke.

You could go for this route, have your last check bounce, and amass a bunch of debt and just die without paying it off, (dont worry about lenders or banks) ###$ lenders and banks they just got bailed out after they screwed up, if they go under they'll just get bailed out again. Of course if you take this route you'll need to amass the debt when your old. And I doubt its a very productive one. <Just ignore that paraghrap>

Do you apply for this automotive program? What is this automotive program that you want to do (keep in mind that I'm completly ignorant when it comes to cars or anything of the mecanic nature)?
I hope your still going to try to get this autmotive program you want, and I hope your car doesn't cost as much as you expect.
I would suggest not going to a psychologist just yet, at least wait a little while to see how things turn out.

I'm going to a community college right now but classes for the automotive program (if I get accepted), start in fall of '09 and theres only 5 academic classes. I dont know my states prepaid college program will cover me for that long without taking classes. The repairs on my car aren't going to cost that much but are still leaving me pretty much broke. I've been feeling better recently though, I think it just might be a phase. I've had these the past couple of years where I feel like complete $#%^ for a week or so.

Pancake wrote:I'm going to a community college right now but classes for the automotive program (if I get accepted), start in fall of '09 and theres only 5 academic classes. I dont know my states prepaid college program will cover me for that long without taking classes. The repairs on my car aren't going to cost that much but are still leaving me pretty much broke. I've been feeling better recently though, I think it just might be a phase. I've had these the past couple of years where I feel like complete $#%^ for a week or so.

Do you remember/know if these weekly "phases" are getting longer and worse? Or more frequent?
I hate to worry you, but I used to have the same weekly phases usually during the fall, spring and mid winter months (pretty much during times when activities and life events were changing), and now are running longer and seem to be getting worse.

Even if you don't get into this automotive program, are there other professions or classes that you could take that would direct you toward a simiar profession?