Help me PLEASE (long)

Sorry I really didnt know where to post this..
I've posted on another forum because i really want someone to help me. I dont know what is wrong with me, i know ive had depression for 5 years, but i think theres something more..
These are my posts from the other forum, please read and help if you can..

Dear readers,
This may be long and complicated, but I beg your indulgence. I need peoples views, advice or any comments that could help me to understand myself or to help me from myself. This is NOT any kind of joke, I am serious and expect only serious replies, please.
For years I have thought, dreamt and even I guess fantasised about killing people. I've thought about how I would kill them, what it would feel like, where I would dispose of the bodies. I thought this would just fade away with time but it hasn't, its become stronger, almost into a longing to kill. I have said things in less detail to close friends, even when I say I'm being serious they just don't believe me. I spoke to Samaritans, said I was scared I may hurt someone and I wanted to be put into a hospital, but they said they cannot do anything but listen to me. I'm scare of my anger, my lust to kill. I know that I would not just randomly kill someone right this second, but in the future.. I just know in my heart that I am capable of killing

Has anyone else ever felt this way? What can be done? I know it's a deep psychological thing that will not just go away on its own, and if I tell people they either don't believe me or will get me into a lot of trouble. I sometimes think I would be better if I kill myself before this need overcomes me.

2nd post

Yes I do actually want to kill. Before it was just a fear that I would but now its become something I want to do. I think people deserve to die! I sit there some nights looking out the window thinking about how easy it would be to go out into the dark and kill an unsuspecting victim. Sometimes I realise its illogical but other times it feels like something I must do. Sometimes I even think about how easy it would be go into my parents room at night and kill them in there sleep, which really scares me because I love them, I feel no anger or hatred towards them, so I don't understand I why would want to do that.
I've just started seeing a college counsellor for depression (it wasn't my choice, my tutor thought I would benefit from talking to someone) and now my counsellor has contacted my doctor because I have "suicidal tendencies", if I say I am a danger to myself or anyone else she has to report it, and my parents, tutor and doctor will be informed. So I can't mention this to her. And there's no way I could get the courage to discuss this with my doctor.

I want to understand why I want to kill, if it's a power thing.. people have always controlled my life. They've bullied me and made me hate myself. Its probably because of that. I guess...
I don't know what to do anymore

LostLily wrote:Sorry I really didnt know where to post this..
I've posted on another forum because i really want someone to help me. I dont know what is wrong with me, i know ive had depression for 5 years, but i think theres something more..
These are my posts from the other forum, please read and help if you can..

Dear readers,
This may be long and complicated, but I beg your indulgence. I need peoples views, advice or any comments that could help me to understand myself or to help me from myself. This is NOT any kind of joke, I am serious and expect only serious replies, please.
For years I have thought, dreamt and even I guess fantasised about killing people. I've thought about how I would kill them, what it would feel like, where I would dispose of the bodies. I thought this would just fade away with time but it hasn't, its become stronger, almost into a longing to kill. I have said things in less detail to close friends, even when I say I'm being serious they just don't believe me. I spoke to Samaritans, said I was scared I may hurt someone and I wanted to be put into a hospital, but they said they cannot do anything but listen to me. I'm scare of my anger, my lust to kill. I know that I would not just randomly kill someone right this second, but in the future.. I just know in my heart that I am capable of killing

Has anyone else ever felt this way? What can be done? I know it's a deep psychological thing that will not just go away on its own, and if I tell people they either don't believe me or will get me into a lot of trouble. I sometimes think I would be better if I kill myself before this need overcomes me.

2nd post

Yes I do actually want to kill. Before it was just a fear that I would but now its become something I want to do. I think people deserve to die! I sit there some nights looking out the window thinking about how easy it would be to go out into the dark and kill an unsuspecting victim. Sometimes I realise its illogical but other times it feels like something I must do. Sometimes I even think about how easy it would be go into my parents room at night and kill them in there sleep, which really scares me because I love them, I feel no anger or hatred towards them, so I don't understand I why would want to do that.
I've just started seeing a college counsellor for depression (it wasn't my choice, my tutor thought I would benefit from talking to someone) and now my counsellor has contacted my doctor because I have "suicidal tendencies", if I say I am a danger to myself or anyone else she has to report it, and my parents, tutor and doctor will be informed. So I can't mention this to her. And there's no way I could get the courage to discuss this with my doctor.

I want to understand why I want to kill, if it's a power thing.. people have always controlled my life. They've bullied me and made me hate myself. Its probably because of that. I guess...
I don't know what to do anymore

Lostlily,
No worries, it is ok to fantasize about homocide or suicide when you are very depressed. And it sounds like you are. And your right part of it is Power and Control issues.
I know you are afraid, but take me at my word, you are going to be ok. I have been right where you are.
The good thing is you are talking and wanting to know if you are the only one- well you are not.
You need to think about the feelings that are overwhelming you.
It is much better for you to say, you have ideals about hurting someone or yourself, and not keeping that info away from people who can help you.
Bottomline on mental help is: It is much better for YOU to say I need help and say maybe you should check in to a facility because you sign your self in you can sign yourself out.
If someone else does it, then you lose some of your rights.

Does that make sense?

Like I said, when you have been severely depressed for a long time this is what can happen. Therapy, meds, and honesty and work on your part, this will get better. It just takes a bit.

You can talk here all you want, you will find support here on the forum. We have many good helpful members and we take care of each other.

Hugs,
red

Thank you for your reply. It helps to know i'm not the only person who thinks/feels like this. I've been wanting to sign myself into some kind of hospital since last summer, i got the point where i either had to run away or kill myself, but i didnt know how or where i could sign myself in. I know theres a mental hospital called farnham road hospital about 30 mins walk from me. Thats why i contacted samaritians, to see if they could tell me how to get signed in, but they said they couldnt tell me

I'm not sure where i go from here, i'm definatly capable of harming myself as i have self harmed on and off for years, it feels like its only a matter of time before i hurt others. Who do you suggest i talk to? I dont want my parents knowing any of this, so if i tell my counsellor they will find out

Hey Lily, I am going through this too, even though it used to be worse before now. I wanted to sign up for the military to be a sniper, or an assassin, so it would be legal to kill. In a way, I think I would feel a huge and lasting relief if I killed someone, like one less person that would try to invade me or take advantage of me. I have also thought of doing some kind of fighting, so that I could hurt someone really badly, but I didn't think it would be as satisfying as seeing someone die at my hands. Then the realism of law and jail come into view and I deem that it would be best to control my urge, write about it, and focus on me instead of others (which can be tough since we are constantly surrounded).

LostLily wrote:Thank you for your reply. It helps to know i'm not the only person who thinks/feels like this. I've been wanting to sign myself into some kind of hospital since last summer, i got the point where i either had to run away or kill myself, but i didnt know how or where i could sign myself in. I know theres a mental hospital called farnham road hospital about 30 mins walk from me. Thats why i contacted samaritians, to see if they could tell me how to get signed in, but they said they couldnt tell me

I'm not sure where i go from here, i'm definatly capable of harming myself as i have self harmed on and off for years, it feels like its only a matter of time before i hurt others. Who do you suggest i talk to? I dont want my parents knowing any of this, so if i tell my counsellor they will find out

Have your parents hurt you?
The only reason I ask is that, good supporting parents, could help you. If they have hurt you, then yes it would be ok, it is much better than running away. I know that feeling all to well.

I dont know where you live, if in the usa you could go to any medical faucility, or if you think you can't keep it together one minute longer call 911.

BUT, if you are a juvenile I am not sure how that works.

I hope this helps. I would run away as a child, because my home life was very bad. The most important thing is that you are safe.
You have to decide that, I am not a doctor or mental health care person.

blessings to you,
Red

radames wrote:Hey Lily, I am going through this too, even though it used to be worse before now. I wanted to sign up for the military to be a sniper, or an assassin, so it would be legal to kill. In a way, I think I would feel a huge and lasting relief if I killed someone, like one less person that would try to invade me or take advantage of me. I have also thought of doing some kind of fighting, so that I could hurt someone really badly, but I didn't think it would be as satisfying as seeing someone die at my hands. Then the realism of law and jail come into view and I deem that it would be best to control my urge, write about it, and focus on me instead of others (which can be tough since we are constantly surrounded).

radames,
I am glad you are feeling better. I know I could be a sniper, but I make a better librarian. I also know that if anyone ever breaks in to my home or attacks on the street, I pity the poor fool, they picked the wrong person.

There is light at the end of the path fighting depression.
I am proof.
xoxox,
red