Just sick of it

Hi, i'm a 22/male, just for context. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of being lonely, I just want to have someone, to feel like there's someone besides my parents who care about who I can talk to, my parents are wonderful people but they are not easy to talk to. I live a very conservative lifestyle but just about anything is taboo to them (they literally flipped out when they saw a clothed picture of jessica alba on my computer's desktop wallpaper). I don't even live at home for most of the year anyhow

I've dated a couple girls since starting college, but neither relationship lasted long or really went anywhere. Most of the friends I made when if first came to college were international students, so they're all gone now. I've had battles with depression since high school, and even though I've been doing a lot better since going to college, right now I feel as bad as ever. I started cutting myself again last fall, and rather than wanting to stop I can't help but wish I did it more often, I'm not much one for pain though

I find myself feeling so resentful towards the world right now and I don't like that about myself. I've tried to be a good friend and a sociable person despite my anxiety, but I'm usually ignored by my friends. I've put all of the effort into my friendships and relationships for a long time, and you can only do that for so long until you get tired of it. Right now I'm having the same bad thoughts I used to have every day, and I don't like it. But what else can I do, it seems like I've tried everything. People tell me to be patient, but I've tried that for so long. Since I was maybe 14 I haven't had a best friend, or a group I felt that I really belonged to

My faith in God is the only thing that's kept me from killing myself so far, but I don't know why he won't give me the little. I know I'm a sinner and therefore no better than anyone, but why give so much to others who don't appreciate it, when all i want is one person


That was a long post. If anyone actually reads it thankyou for your time. I don't know how to be concise. I just needed to write that all down, I don't know if there's a question in there or not, it just helps to let it out somewhere

You can talk here, Down, or you can PM me if you need someone to talk to. The world isn't fair, but things can still get better for you.
I'm sorry your parents are so strict. You shouldn't have to have such a conservative life style, if it's not what you want. Do you have any hobbies or pets?

Thanks Jasmin, I was just venting as I was in a particularly down mood. Most days, like today, I'm much better, but not particularly happy either. I've settled into being comfortably numb most of the time, it's easier not to think about it

You do what you have to do, so that you can survive. Maybe things will change when you won't depend on your parents any more and you'll be able to experience life.

I think you will do it Down. I trust in God too and He has done so much in and through me. Each day has challenges but we get to learn from each day and apply it to our futures in every way. Focus on what you can do to prepare for the day that you move out so that the transition will be smooth. Nice to see your comment.

Well I already do live away from home, I have since I was 20, but I live at home during the summer. The event I mentioned above was actually on a weekend when my parents were visiting for my birthday and I forgot to change the wallpaper, even though it wasn't explicit at all I knew they'd object. I wouldn't feel comfortable with an explicit decoration anywhere in my room

College life can be fun at times, but as I don't drink or find parties where all people do is get drunk to be the least bit entertaining it makes fitting in difficult. I have found some places I can go to meet people who don't generally resort to drunkenness to be entertained but long story short I had to move to an apartment pretty far from campus so I'm not really connected to the scene as you might say anymore

For some time now I've been feeling a desire to travel and live somewhere totally unlike what I'm used to. I don't speak any other languages which limits my options, but I've visited Japanese friends of mine before and I'd love to live there for a year or two, I'm not even into japanese culture beyond video games, I've just known a lot of them and find myself able to connect with them in a more fulfilling way. That would require a lot of money and learning the language, which I'm looking into now. I'm just afraid that if I ever did anything like that it'd just be my way of running from my problems, which would follow me no matter how far I ran. I think I have to deal with some issues before I did anything major like that, no one even knows I cut myself which I know I have to deal with, but I could never bring myself to admit to my problems face to face with another person. I'm ashamed and embarrassed by my feelings

And I've whined long enough, especially considering my life's really not that bad. Like I said I don't know how to write short, thanks if anyone actually read all that jibber jabber

Your problems matter too, Down. It would be great if you could move and maybe even find a job there. Everyone needs to feel free and I don't think you'd be running from your problems. It might help you grow stronger and you'd be able to face your issues and stop the cutting.
Can you meet someone who lives near by? You don't have to make a lot of friends in college, you can even spend time with a neighbor if you're lonely.