My Sister.

Hey everyone,

I'm relatively new here and really joined because I love psychology, though I just started my first psych class. Anyway, I am posting this here because about 3 years ago my sister was diagnosed with depression. She was put on meds and made significant improvement (quit hanging around the wrong people, got her act together and grades up) but then learned about natural/organic diets, the enviornment, etc. and decided she didn't want such chemicals going into her body. She also completely refuses to see a counselor/therapist for some talk therapy. So, as predicted, she regressed. The one and only thing her therapist ever got out of her was that my dad did something terrible a long time ago and she could never forgive him. What that was, no one knows. We've asked him, he knows nothing. Since then, she hasn't spoken nicely to him once. She either cusses, yells, or is just plain cold. This morning she even hit him about 20 times on the wrist, which is alot worse than you may think because he has arthritis. She's thrown pencils (at his eye) and missed, thank goodness.

She is also very mean to me. Even if I say hi, or ask her if I can help her work the oven or something simple like that, she bites my head off. I've tried so hard to be nice to her, but since I've gotten on her bad side somehow, I gave up and now have resorted to being rude right back. Not good, I know...

One last thing - my parents don't get along AT ALL and they want a divorce. They're trying to stick it out as long as they can (until I move out) to save my mental health but by doing this, they are also sacrificing my sister's. I really want to suck it up and tell them to do it if it will help everyone else, but I think they really want to spare me if you know what I mean. Besides, I'm not sure I could handle them getting divorced unless I moved out, which by law I am not allowed to until I'm 18 - by their rules not until I am in my 3rd year of college.

Anyway, my questions are as follows: is there ANYTHING that can be done for my sister? Should I suck it up and tell my parents I will be okay if they get divorced in order to help my sister get away from my dad? My dad thinks my sister is lying about this - what do you all think? Is there something I can do to help my sister?

If you read all of this, thanks so much...sorry for the length.

I think it is great that you are so patient with your sister. It has to be really, really tough to watch her be so violent. I think it would be good to establish boundaries with your sister to let her know she still can't just lash out against you and harm you. Let her know that you are sorry about her pain but she needs to stop attacking. If she doesn't then steer clear of her as often as possible.

She's not violent towards me, though. Sometimes she pushes me, but who doesn't push their siblings?

Anyway, my parents have set boundaries before but she just doesn't care. She is late for school every day and it doesn't bother her in the least. She doesn't do any of her homework and fails her classes but never tries. Somehow, however, she ends up getting A's on her exams. She's outsmarted all of us, and no one knows what to do for her anymore. She spends all her time online, so my parents take away her internet. Nothing. All she does is yell and scream or watch TV all day. They've tried to offer her rewards for good behavior instead of correction for bad, but she doesn't care about having what she wants. She just wants us to have what we don't want, if that makes sense. She seems pleased when we are angry and frustrated. In fact, she really enjoys stressing my dad out. This whole thing is one big headache!

It makes sense to me. She wants everyone to be unhappy with her. An idea I have is to find some sort of third party caretaker, a nanny, that can watch her while the rest of the family takes a break. Have you seen the show called Super Nanny? She gets rambunctious kids in line. Perhaps your love isn't tough enough. Is there any way he could get her therapy or meds? I mean, she is a dependent of your dad. He can't really kick her out. Perhaps he could find a shelter for troubled youth, or get her admitted somewhere so that professionals can help her.
These are my ideas if you want.

goinUP wrote:Hey everyone,

I'm relatively new here and really joined because I love psychology, though I just started my first psych class. Anyway, I am posting this here because about 3 years ago my sister was diagnosed with depression. She was put on meds and made significant improvement (quit hanging around the wrong people, got her act together and grades up) but then learned about natural/organic diets, the enviornment, etc. and decided she didn't want such chemicals going into her body. She also completely refuses to see a counselor/therapist for some talk therapy. So, as predicted, she regressed. The one and only thing her therapist ever got out of her was that my dad did something terrible a long time ago and she could never forgive him. What that was, no one knows. We've asked him, he knows nothing. Since then, she hasn't spoken nicely to him once. She either cusses, yells, or is just plain cold. This morning she even hit him about 20 times on the wrist, which is alot worse than you may think because he has arthritis. She's thrown pencils (at his eye) and missed, thank goodness.

She is also very mean to me. Even if I say hi, or ask her if I can help her work the oven or something simple like that, she bites my head off. I've tried so hard to be nice to her, but since I've gotten on her bad side somehow, I gave up and now have resorted to being rude right back. Not good, I know...

One last thing - my parents don't get along AT ALL and they want a divorce. They're trying to stick it out as long as they can (until I move out) to save my mental health but by doing this, they are also sacrificing my sister's. I really want to suck it up and tell them to do it if it will help everyone else, but I think they really want to spare me if you know what I mean. Besides, I'm not sure I could handle them getting divorced unless I moved out, which by law I am not allowed to until I'm 18 - by their rules not until I am in my 3rd year of college.

Anyway, my questions are as follows: is there ANYTHING that can be done for my sister? Should I suck it up and tell my parents I will be okay if they get divorced in order to help my sister get away from my dad? My dad thinks my sister is lying about this - what do you all think? Is there something I can do to help my sister?

If you read all of this, thanks so much...sorry for the length.

Hi,
Why would a young girl develope anger and hatred towards her father for NO REASON. She wouldn't.
That means at some point your father HURT her, and this "no one knows" bit is crap, no one knows because they don't want to know, and your dad is never going to say, "I crossed a line I should not have w/my own daughter"!
I know this all to well, this is a picture of my life with my ex-stepcreep.
I am so angry right now that once again, people turn a blind eye to the truth that is right there in front of everyone.
Examples of this:
She stopped hanging with the wrong crowd, what??????
What could be more WRONG that a child who is angry because she was abused by her father. He is the wrong crowd. She sees him everyday.
Yes there is HOPE for your sister, but it is going to be hard for her to not have a family to support her emotional growth.

I will stop here, these things really burn my bucket!!!

aahhhh shoot nope I am still mad.
.................ugh!!!! sorry, i will get it together, just give me a few.

Your poor sister, protect her, love her, her needs are many, but the main one is getting away from your father, where is your mother in all this? Is she playing dumb as well or is she angry that her husband ruined the marriage and family by abusing his daughter???

ooops.......see, still mad, how old is your sister? Is she ever alone with him?

I'm not sure how old your sister is, but if she is in high school or under I would suggest speaking with the school counsellor about setting up some appointments with her if she doesn't want to go to a regular physician or counsellor/therapist. It would probably make her angry, but it is an option out there to get her to start talking about what she is feeling.
She sounds a lot like she may be not just depressive but manic depressive. I am just suggesting this idea because I know someone in my family who has been diagnosed with that and she used to act in very similar outbursts.
I know it is really hard to deal with, and I know it's so confusing because they are your family and you want to help them so much. I used to get really angry because I felt so helpless and angry because I felt hurt (and then angry at myself for feeling angry!). I really hope so much that everything works out on your end and that help is available to your family. It's a tough thing, I know.
I hate suggesting force when it comes to these situations, but maybe if she is young enough could your family make her go to a counsellor? Or maybe if several people in your family (or even one) agree to go with her if she goes? That way it may not feel like she is being "attacked", and that it is something that can truly benefit her.
But most of all I would suggest the school counsellor as a start. I had to go to one when I was younger (it wasn't my choice) and it made me really angry and I thought it would backfire for a while, but then I found another one who was kind and compassionate, and who really listened to what I was saying. Then I started to feel that maybe more therapy was not such a bad thing. Hopefully it could do the same for your sister. But I would encourage her that if she does go for help that sometimes it takes going to several different therapists/counsellors before finding one that you can be comfortable around.

SmallTalkRed wrote:Hi,
Why would a young girl develope anger and hatred towards her father for NO REASON. She wouldn't.
That means at some point your father HURT her, and this "no one knows" bit is crap, no one knows because they don't want to know, and your dad is never going to say, "I crossed a line I should not have w/my own daughter"!
I know this all to well, this is a picture of my life with my ex-stepcreep.
I am so angry right now that once again, people turn a blind eye to the truth that is right there in front of everyone.
Examples of this:
She stopped hanging with the wrong crowd, what??????
What could be more WRONG that a child who is angry because she was abused by her father. He is the wrong crowd. She sees him everyday.
Yes there is HOPE for your sister, but it is going to be hard for her to not have a family to support her emotional growth.

I will stop here, these things really burn my bucket!!!

I really don't know the answer to that...that is why I'm asking.
My mother has two jobs and works alot. The only time my father and sister are alone is when he would take her to/pick her up from school, but she walks now.
Forcing her to GO to the counselor is a possibility. Making her talk is not.
Someone wanted to know - the therapist. Supposedly my sister just never told her.
Please don't get mad, we all know something is up and we're not ignorant. That's why I posted my message to begin with. What I meant by the wrong crowd was a girl who was corrupting her into doing bad things, like making herself into a sex symbol and acting up in class/not doing her work. Though she no longer hangs out with this girl, some of the behaviors have stuck. I don't think my father abuses her and if he does, it would have had to be happening on the way to/from school. All other times I or my mother is present.

We've all tried to support her, but she won't let us. I'm not sure how much more I can do for her when all she does is bite my head off...if you have any suggestions, let me know.

Sumi wrote:I'm not sure how old your sister is, but if she is in high school or under I would suggest speaking with the school counsellor about setting up some appointments with her if she doesn't want to go to a regular physician or counsellor/therapist. It would probably make her angry, but it is an option out there to get her to start talking about what she is feeling.
She sounds a lot like she may be not just depressive but manic depressive. I am just suggesting this idea because I know someone in my family who has been diagnosed with that and she used to act in very similar outbursts.
I know it is really hard to deal with, and I know it's so confusing because they are your family and you want to help them so much. I used to get really angry because I felt so helpless and angry because I felt hurt (and then angry at myself for feeling angry!). I really hope so much that everything works out on your end and that help is available to your family. It's a tough thing, I know.
I hate suggesting force when it comes to these situations, but maybe if she is young enough could your family make her go to a counsellor? Or maybe if several people in your family (or even one) agree to go with her if she goes? That way it may not feel like she is being "attacked", and that it is something that can truly benefit her.
But most of all I would suggest the school counsellor as a start. I had to go to one when I was younger (it wasn't my choice) and it made me really angry and I thought it would backfire for a while, but then I found another one who was kind and compassionate, and who really listened to what I was saying. Then I started to feel that maybe more therapy was not such a bad thing. Hopefully it could do the same for your sister. But I would encourage her that if she does go for help that sometimes it takes going to several different therapists/counsellors before finding one that you can be comfortable around.

Thanks. I will suggest that to my mom and see what she says. If she doesn't like it, would it be appropriate for me to email the counseling center at her school? Or should I stay out of it?
There are about 5 counselors at her school. Let's hope that one of them would be able to get SOMETHING out of her!

goinUP wrote:

SmallTalkRed wrote:Hi,
Why would a young girl develope anger and hatred towards her father for NO REASON. She wouldn't.
That means at some point your father HURT her, and this "no one knows" bit is crap, no one knows because they don't want to know, and your dad is never going to say, "I crossed a line I should not have w/my own daughter"!
I know this all to well, this is a picture of my life with my ex-stepcreep.
I am so angry right now that once again, people turn a blind eye to the truth that is right there in front of everyone.
Examples of this:
She stopped hanging with the wrong crowd, what??????
What could be more WRONG that a child who is angry because she was abused by her father. He is the wrong crowd. She sees him everyday.
Yes there is HOPE for your sister, but it is going to be hard for her to not have a family to support her emotional growth.

I will stop here, these things really burn my bucket!!!

I really don't know the answer to that...that is why I'm asking.
My mother has two jobs and works alot. The only time my father and sister are alone is when he would take her to/pick her up from school, but she walks now.
Forcing her to GO to the counselor is a possibility. Making her talk is not.
Someone wanted to know - the therapist. Supposedly my sister just never told her.
Please don't get mad, we all know something is up and we're not ignorant. That's why I posted my message to begin with. What I meant by the wrong crowd was a girl who was corrupting her into doing bad things, like making herself into a sex symbol and acting up in class/not doing her work. Though she no longer hangs out with this girl, some of the behaviors have stuck. I don't think my father abuses her and if he does, it would have had to be happening on the way to/from school. All other times I or my mother is present.

We've all tried to support her, but she won't let us. I'm not sure how much more I can do for her when all she does is bite my head off...if you have any suggestions, let me know.

I am sorry, I dont mean to sound any thing but helpful, its just hits close to home for me.

This comment tells me much:
That's why I posted my message to begin with. What I meant by the wrong crowd was a girl who was corrupting her into doing bad things, like making herself into a sex symbol and acting up in class/not doing her work.

Your sister will not open up to anyone until she feels safe.
Your parents divorce, she could blame herself yet feel better because your dad is gone. She is angry that the longer time that passes, she unheard and unloved and can trust no one.

When she can't trust her own family to keep her safe, then it is very hard to trust others.

I fear your father may have sexually abused her. She has presented many behaviors that you have described.

Trauma patients are not just depressed as you can see.
But first things first, She needs to know that if she tells it will be ok. You will still love her, you need to validate her feelings, and so does your mother.

I dont mean to sound like I am putting everything on you. No, your mom needs to help, and no matter what she tells you that happened, she needs to believe that you believe her.

If you have to go with her to the pdocs, therapist, counselor at first, then do so if you can. Have her write down what she is feeling.

I am truly sorry that this has happened in your family.
I will send a wish and a prayer(can't hurt).

xoxo
red