My Sister.

Sumi wrote:I'm not sure how old your sister is, but if she is in high school or under I would suggest speaking with the school counsellor about setting up some appointments with her if she doesn't want to go to a regular physician or counsellor/therapist. It would probably make her angry, but it is an option out there to get her to start talking about what she is feeling.
She sounds a lot like she may be not just depressive but manic depressive. I am just suggesting this idea because I know someone in my family who has been diagnosed with that and she used to act in very similar outbursts.
I know it is really hard to deal with, and I know it's so confusing because they are your family and you want to help them so much. I used to get really angry because I felt so helpless and angry because I felt hurt (and then angry at myself for feeling angry!). I really hope so much that everything works out on your end and that help is available to your family. It's a tough thing, I know.
I hate suggesting force when it comes to these situations, but maybe if she is young enough could your family make her go to a counsellor? Or maybe if several people in your family (or even one) agree to go with her if she goes? That way it may not feel like she is being "attacked", and that it is something that can truly benefit her.
But most of all I would suggest the school counsellor as a start. I had to go to one when I was younger (it wasn't my choice) and it made me really angry and I thought it would backfire for a while, but then I found another one who was kind and compassionate, and who really listened to what I was saying. Then I started to feel that maybe more therapy was not such a bad thing. Hopefully it could do the same for your sister. But I would encourage her that if she does go for help that sometimes it takes going to several different therapists/counsellors before finding one that you can be comfortable around.

Sumi,
Thank you for your sound advice to Jenna. I am glad you are here,
on the forum.

The thought of sexual abuse never crossed my mind. Okay, call me stupid...I just thought my dad, though short-tempered and sometimes hypocritical, is a man with morals. If girls marry men like their fathers, my sister and I are both screwed. Not that either one of us plans to get married, but you see the point...

How do I get her to open up to me? She never has before. She's never trusted me, not even when we were little. Even if she had, would a girl so young tell her sister that is older by two years that she was sexually abused? Probably not - neither one of us would have even understood!

Me going with her to any appointments would make things worth, if anything. I really and truly think she doesn't like me at all. She's so stubborn that if she is asked of anyone to do anything, she fights back. She just doesn't care. If you all could meet her, I have a feeling your answers to my question would be very different. Not that I'm doubting anyone's knowledge...just saying...and it probably would be like that with anything posted here.

Wow. I'm just thinking and realizing that something could have happened to me too. If he abused my sister, why wouldn't he abuse me too? And it's possible that neither one of us remember. Maybe she is triggered by it but can't actually remember. Maybe I've unconsciously forced myself to forget.

I've always been really uncomfortable around guys. Found myself crushing on one but when he finally asked me out, I either freaked out and said no or changed my mind hours later. I could never explain it, either. I don't know if my sister feels the same.

Hello goinUP,

You are not stupid for thinking of your dad being a man of morals though only short-tempered and hypocritical. My dad fooled me in many similar ways. When I was really young I often thought that he was perfect, without "sin", ect......I didn't know at the time what he did was anything bad and I thought the abuse was just apart of life. He was very short-tempered and hypocritical too, but my siblings and I thought this is just apart of being a "good" man. But don't be fooled....I don't know how your dad is obviously, but parents can make you feel that what they do is morally right and correct when in fact it may not be so. As a child, what more can you know at the time being new to the world? So you and your sis' really need to find out the gist of what happened to you guys.....no matter how moral your dad may seem; it may just so happen to be that he did some of the most immoral things to you guys, especially your sister. Sometimes the bad side of our parents are only seen around those who are closest to them, like their kids. And I wouldn't worry about marrying someone like your dad.....I don't think there is any science behind the claim that girls marry men like their fathers.

Yes she probably didn't understand what happened to her when she was younger.....that is why it is imperative that she does so. She can't keep what happened to her bottled up inside. She needs to see a therapist or some professional and resolve what happened to her by your father otherwise it will be buried inside and trigger more difficulty later in life.

Being uncomfortable around guys can be caused by many factors, but yes it could be because something happened to you too. You should maybe think of seeing a therapist as well just in case. It's better to find out now if something happened to you than waiting for it to come out unwearing and unrelenting at some point in the future.

And perhaps your sister seeing you go to a therapist will give her the strength to do so as well. You don't have to force it on her to the point of kicking and screaming, just approach her in a calm caring manner and tell her your concerns and why you (or your mother) already scheduled an appointment for her. Be there for her, relate to her, and even if she seems hostile back she will understand in time.

I haven't got too much sleep lately, so if anything I said didn't make sense then tell me and I'll clarify whatever. Best wishes to you.

GoinUP, I was wondering if you remember any times where you and your sister had a really good time when you were young? Like, if you two played with certain toys, did any activities outside, went to any places, in particular, to escape from the confines of the parents' "dungeon" and go on a magic ride to some fantasyland where you two were princesses? I was thinking that maybe you could start playing a game that you two really enjoyed and it would help her see that she could trust you.
If you don't have any activities like this, maybe you could try to talk to her abouther favorite TV shows, or websites, or movies. In this manner, perhaps she can see that you can be trusted. My ideas.

goinUP wrote:Wow. I'm just thinking and realizing that something could have happened to me too. If he abused my sister, why wouldn't he abuse me too? And it's possible that neither one of us remember. Maybe she is triggered by it but can't actually remember. Maybe I've unconsciously forced myself to forget.

I've always been really uncomfortable around guys. Found myself crushing on one but when he finally asked me out, I either freaked out and said no or changed my mind hours later. I could never explain it, either. I don't know if my sister feels the same.

Jenna,
my little sister at the age of 8 told me in the bath one night that my stepdad had made her look at "dirtypictures" and molested her. I called my mother into the bathroom immediately, and had my sis tell my mom exactly what she told me, she did and my mother went and asked him and OF COURSE HE SAID NO! ( I was 9 almost 10)
If your father is not willing to say what your sister thinks was a act of doing her wrong, how guilty does that make him look??

I do not want to accuse falsely.
I DO KNOW that children do not just hate for no reason,
I also know that trust is a huge issue. I have been there.
Does your dad do loving things with his children?
Does he command power?

If I could meet your dad, I would know asap if he crossed a line.
You both need to help each other stay safe.

((((((((((((((Jenna and her Sister))))))))))))))
red

Hi everyone,
I don't have much time (gotta go to school) but I will respond to all of your posts in a nutshell.

Tormented, thanks for your response. It does make sense. I just don't know how to tell my mom that I think I need to see a therapist. Up until now, I've always been the type to get by on my own. Yes, I talk to friends, but I've never actually went to a professional about real problems. In fact, last night I swore to a friend of mine I wouldn't complain anymore, ever. It's getting old fast. Besides, if I saw a therapist, all my sister would do is criticize me. She wouldn't want to go next. Wait, your dad was the same way? If you don't mind me asking, did he ever do anything like this to you?

Radames...funny you mention the dungeon. My sister has a walk-in closet and when we were really little we used to "hide" in there for hours on end. Now I really don't get why besides the fact that my dad yelled alot and we wanted to get away from it. Sometimes he and my mom would come in and take our toys away. Some of them we never saw again. We used to hide in there with the toys we REALLY wanted and try to either hide them behind clothes or just hold them so my parents wouldn't take them. Whenever my dad yelled it was at my sister or my mom...and I would cry hysterically every time. Bringing that up to my sister probably wouldn't help much...our good memories together seem to branch off the bad ones.

Red, my dad is not an affectionate man. Never shows any love towards me or my mother. In fact, he has kids (my half siblings) that he refuses to talk to. It's been 10 or 20 years and he STILL refuses. He does command power. More later, I have to go. Thanks so much guys. Means alot.

It looks like you two were able to support each other by being there with one another in order to preserve yourself from the outside danger. I wonder if your sister has had any length of time where she has been away from the parents and gone to do something fun for herself, or with you, or with any of her friends? In my opinion, the severe stress that could be caused by the secretive parents and hiding a lot of anger, abuse, and other things may be too much for her fragile and transparent emotions and, in order for her to cope, she allows the emotions that she feels to be free. She may not only be dealing with past emotions but constant triggers brought about by her current environment. I think she needs a prolonged break from the constant negative stimulation. My thoughts.

goinUP wrote:Hi everyone,
Red, my dad is not an affectionate man. Never shows any love towards me or my mother. In fact, he has kids (my half siblings) that he refuses to talk to. It's been 10 or 20 years and he STILL refuses. He does command power. More later, I have to go. Thanks so much guys. Means alot.

goinUP,

That sends a signal to me, that for some reason the children he has had don't insist on talking to him, and he does not want to talk to them. Maybe the family secrets are to painful.
Have you ever met his children? (your step siblings)

My stepdad had four kids two girls, two boys, he r@ped, sodomized everyone of them. One daughter was his favorite, as soon as she could she moved out of state and changed her name.
He never claimed those kids, just my sister and I. and we were not his blood.
I am sorry that hurt and anger is in your familly. You dont have to tell your mom that you want to see a therapist. You can make a request through the school or call children services in your county.
We are all in different stages of healing. but that does not take away that we are Survivors. We are. We help each other.

Red

I think that I went through a period where I tried to protect my dad even after he sodomized me (all based on my instincts and flashbacks and not anything I have been told) but I think that this proved that my mind was warped in thinking that being abused meant I was receiving love. I now know, to a much greater degree, that this is not love, but torture.
I can make decision that are different from the ones my dad made and I can still be mad at him, disappointed, etc. I choose to control those feelings when they arise and still be my own person, healthy, strong, and as positive as I can be.