I´d like advice/help to help cope with my depressive wife

Hi!

Im new here and im very interested.
Iv been married for almost 5 years and i have know my wife for 10.

At the begining of last year i noticed that she was getting more and more distant. She has suffered from light depressions for years, and has major self worth issues. She has had a few crisis times, which we put down to her being on "the pill", which she then stopped and things went better.

Anyway her brother got married last year in on this day, and she was very strange to me since weeks before his wedding. Anyway I couldnt take it anymore she was avoiding contact with and i was very hurt, so one day after the wedding I asked her what was wrong, she didnt really want to tell me, she is a massive procrastinator, but I asked if there is another man, and she said yes her boss in the cafe where she worked.
Anyway to cut a long story short, I tried my best to keep her. The guy is a serial playboy who loves to get girls into bed, especially married ones and then leave them afte rhe ahs conquered them,.
The prob is that due to her self worth probs she refuses to believe her friends or me about that as she thinks what they had for a few weeks was special. She met with him many times, btu always cameback to me even though she had planned on leaving me. Eventually i took action as she was suffering from a breakdown, and she said she needed time to choose and get he rlife sorted. She wanted to run away to New Zealnad and be an aupair, basically run away from ther prob, but i told her when she gets out of the plane,"she" will be there again ith her probs from inside, just somewhere else.

Anyway I unknown to her asked he sister if she could go and stay with her and seek therapy, she went and we lived apart for a few months, where she still rang him, even though her sister lives in a different country. We have now moved to that country, her home country and are making a go of it. But of course now is the "anniversary" of when the $#%^ hit the fan. She is a very depressive perosn, and I stood by her because I knew she loved me, she does very much, but she wanted some thing else to escape her inner unhappiness, she thought that would make her happy. She peaks and troughs, and take a medicine called vandral for her depression. She wants to stop it, but doesnt think she is strong enough yet for therapy, ie a pschiatrist. She went to one therapist a week after she went to her sister last summer as she was breaking down and that woman said she wanted oto check her into a clinic. But my wife doesnt really want to go as she thinks it will be to painfull.

She doesnt want to go to a therapist yet, but its been almost a year. Her family has a history of depression, her sister and mother have it too, but htey are as a family the worst communicators. They believe in under the carpet dotn talk about it, dont make a fuss and then just live with it and hope it goes away.
Its tough on me too as I have tried so much, forgiven her and have been supportive. I think we will be ok in the long run, and I know she loves me, she says it and though her actions, she just wanted to escape and he saw that and used it. But because I pulled her away from him, time and again she didnt have the complete experience to learn from. He didnt abuse her like he has done everybody else, one of my best friends wife for example! So she still has these feelings for him. Since they broke up he has had 3 other girls friends. But my wife and him havent spoken since November.
She gets motivated to get herself together but then falls down again.
How can I live with a depressive like this. Its really taken its toll on me, as well as her affair of course. I need to stay strong for her, but also for me. I love her very much and want whats best for her and me.
We dont talk much about the affair, as its very painful, plus not much has changed, we now live in a different country, 2500km away. But we need to work out the probs and i need to help her, so any help would be welcome, thanks

Hi, JamesC! Welcome to the forum. This must be very difficult for you. Maybe you can offer to go with her to the therapist, and maybe have some therapy together untill she feels strong enough to do it on her own.
I'm sure you care about eachother, but she has to take the first step at some point. I'm sorry she cheated on you. You're right, that guy took advantage of her and she probably needed to excape her problems, like you said.

Thanks for the reply, what kind of therapy, couples or what, im a therapy virgin!
I know she has to make some steps but i dont know what i should do in the mean time

Hey JamesC, you could talk to a therapist before hand and tell him/her the situation, it may make things easier. Couples therapy isn't a bad place to start, and maybe the therapist from there can refer you to one that deals more specifically with depression, if needed. Hope things work out for you.

TS is right, you should probably talk to a therapist about it first.

A therapist is a good idea, I'm in my final years of psychology and would definately agree that you should speak with the therapist to provide them with a background of the situation as people can be reluctant to admit the truth to therapists. I also wanted to say that you are very lucky that she will let you help her. There is nothing more painful than watching someone you love suffer but having them push you away.