Am I Manic or am I just having a tough time?

Let me try to make this as short as possible, because I could go on and on and on, lol.

I am not a depressed person. I have stress, I have bad days and I have suffered from severe depression a couple times in my life, but the situations surrounding the depressions were traumatic and I got through them.

I do have medical problems. My medical problems are aggravated by stress and for the most part, controlled by medications, but they aren't working so good right now.

I've been dealing with this condition for over 20 years. It's some type of chronic/severe IBS. I won't go into details, but when the stress is bad, my stomach is bad. If I don't get hold of the stress situation, the stomach gets worse until I have to worry about anemia due to loss of blood.

Now why would I be stressed??? Let's see. I have 5 kids. LOVE my children!!! I gave birth to 4 of them and adopted one when he was 15. They range in age from 4-18.

My 4 yr old is a beautiful little girl. Smart, sassy, loving and been in her terrible 2's for the last 2 years, lol! Then there's my 10 yr old. He's a great kid, as well. He has Aspberger's Syndrome, which is a high functioning form of Autism. He may appear to be "slow" but there are days he can tell you things about stuff that a grown up wouldn't know! Then there's "the boy", my 14 yr old. Now he's a handful. He's at that age that is trying to be cool, but doesn't realize that this is a very very small town and he can't cross the street without me hearing about it. And, of course, at this age, he thinks I'm stupid. You know the age, where they think they are smart enough to feed us a line of bull and we just believe it, no matter how outrages it seems! Then there's my 16 year old, an outstanding kid! Honor student since beginning school. Never has given me any serious problems (yet). She is my rock! My husband who I love dearly, is an over the road truck driver, so basically, it seems like I'm a single Mom and my oldest daughter takes up the slack as much as possible. Now, the 18 year old, I'm dealing with on another forum, but he has had a very abusive life from the start and we're currently dealing with him coming to grips with the fact that due to the trauma, he has multiple personalities, that are very different from one another and have very different opinions about right and wrong. He's currently facing a felony for stealing a car, which the main personality had nothing to do with, but if we don't get it worked out, he's going to lose everything. Right now, the state pays for his college education, books, the whole nine yards! It's such an opportunity, but there are other personalities that don't seem to think as much of the opportunity and they've pretty much gotten him kicked out of the program. I've had lots of experience with adult survivors of abuse, but this is new territory for me and I'm getting tons of help from another forum, here, on that.

Okay, that's some stress for ya, but I'm not done yet and do not believe that stress and depression are the same thing, but let's throw some more drama in the mix.

I HAD 4 older brothers, two have died of stomach problems at younger ages than I am now (43). The two that are left, one lives in Japan (we're in the States) and the other is a single, 50'ish man that is pretty much a loner. My mother is 72 and between me and her sitter, she's well taken care of. She lives in her own apartment in a retirement village. Well, a little over a month ago, we take her to the doctor, because she'd been complaining of hip and leg pain and all he kept doing was upping her meds. Now, let me go to the doctor and try to get something for pain and they'll mark me a drug addict and make sure all I get is tylenol, but with her, just keep upping the meds! Finally figured this ain't gonna get it, got her to another doctor and low and behold, cancer. In her spine, in her lungs, in her bones.

That's when things started breaking down. My doctor has always tried to prescribe anti depressants for me and it just pissed me off!! I'd tell him, I'm NOT depressed, I'm stressed. I have an internist I've had for almost 20 years, that I see only once every few years, due to my insurance. I see him, they run scopes, scans, etc. and determine it's the chronic IBS. When I went for results, I didn't get to see the doctor, but his assistant, who determined I needed to speak with a counsoler. OKAY! At this point, I'm still just stressed, not depressed (pre cancer). So, to prove to them that I was willing to do anything for relief of my stomach problems, I went. When I got to the appointment and he asked me why I was there, I told him I had chronic diarrhea! I explained to him that, yes, I had a lot of stress in my life, but that's life!! The last time I checked, selling children is illegal and seeing as stress comes with parenting, what was I suppose to do?? His opinion, get another M.D.!! I go for a return visit to my MD and let him know what the counselor had said and they decided to change my meds, again. Now, with my stress level, he gives me .25 xanax. Okay, I'm no drug addict, but let's be for real. It's taken me all these years to finally get my internist to up the dosage to .5 Now, if I wanted to self medicate, I could. I know tons of people that I could get just about anything I wanted from, in the form of drugs, but in my old age (LOL) I'd prefer to just take what the doctor gives me, so we can get this taken care of. I even quit smoking after over 30 years, because they said that could be the problem.... stopped smoking for over a month (with the help of Chantix) but no difference with my stomach, so I started back!

Anyway, the only brother around is not really around to deal with the cancer issue with my mom. My mother has 9 more radiation treatments and they will be releasing her from the facility she's in. She can no longer live by herself. Her apartment complex will not let anyone live with her. I'm in a 3 bedroom house with 5 kids. My oldest sleeps on the couch!

Okay, now I'm at the point that I believe the depression has hit. All I want to do is sit in my room, in the dark and cry. This is NOT me! I'm referred to the life of the funeral! I'm the one that cracks everyone else up when stress is high. So, I don't feel I can go to my friends, because I really don't think they know what to do for me. They are not used to seeing me this way and they have lives of their own and I'm not one to throw pity parties for myself. I'm the one that tells them that life goes on, you just can't crawl in a hole and hide and wait till it's all passed (I've tried that, with 5 kids, they find you!) See, even through the tears while writing this, I'm still a pretty humors person, if only to myself!

But here lately, I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm unbearable!! I can't keep expecting my oldest daughter to hold things together for me. She's sensitive and when I'm upset, she's upset. She doesn't deserve all this pressure! She's an honor student, in the show choir, the math club, plays soccer, involved in school plays, just got her license. This should be the time of her life, yet I'm taking that away from her.

Back to my original question that got lost in my rambling is this, should I be seeking professional help? Like I have time to fit it into my schedule.

I'm currently taking Cymalta. I was explained that it wasn't being prescribed as an anti depressant, but to help with the stomach pain by blocking some receptors in my brain. But is it for depression? Shouldn't it be helping with all the new stuff I'm going through. I honestly feel if I were to contact our local counseling center, they'd want me to come in and I'm afraid they'd keep me! When my oldest was being arrested, I asked the police officer that if I kicked him in the shin, could he just lock me up for the weekend. When I went to get him out of jail, I walked up to the window and asked for a reservation, for myself. I told them I was willing to pay top rate for solitary confinement! I do not have time for a break down!! Yet I don't have time to sit in this room and cry all day, either. I've got less than 2 weeks to figure out what to do with my mother, I've got meetings with DCS over the oldest ones criminal activity (the car he took would have been his in less than a week, I own the car, but he didn't have his licenses and hadn't added him to the insurance and he told us he wasn't coming back, so I had no choice but report the car stolen, but hopefully we can work something out in court where he doesn't have to spend any jail time). I've got to be at my 10 yr old school, in the morning, due to bullies messing with him at school, calling him a retard!! Do you know how angry/hurt a parent feels when someone hurts their kids!! But then I think I catch a break from all the stress, when a friend decided to take the two littlest ones for a sleep over, last night, only to call and tell me the 4 year old wanted to come home. Fine, that happens, but when my baby gets home and tells me her older brother and the 8 year old girl they were having the sleep over with, locked her in the closet! She's having a problem with telling the truth, typical for a 4 yr old, I guess, but when she kept me up, all night, with nightmares, I thought there might be something to the story. So, I got up this morning, called my 10 yr old and asked him if it was true. It was! He said she was getting on their nerves!!! I lost it!! You do not lock a 4 yr old in a dark closet!!!! The tears start all over again as I write this and I think I may be over reacting, because of all the other things going on, but I know that I am spending way too much time, locked in this room, crying. My kids are not used to seeing me cry. It's upsetting them. And there's not much my husband can do when he's hundreds of miles away. OH and to top it all off, either my 14 yr old, genius son or my 18 year old with multiple personalities has stolen about 20 Xanax. I put my meds in a pill box that holds a weeks supply of meds. I take 2 Xanax a day (.5) One when I wake up and one when I go to bed. Now, I'll have to go 2 weeks without them, before I can get a refill. I've called the pharmacist to see if there is a drug test I can buy to see who the culprit might be, but all he had was for pot and cocaine! AND I don't have the money to take them to the doctor and have a full blown test run, so I've let them know that I'm no fool and I know it's one of them and I'll make sure, for now on, my meds are hidden!

Oooops, I did wind up writing a book, sorry for those of you that have actually read this whole thing and had to suffer through it

Any advise out there?

Pam

Hi, Pam! You must be very stressed in deed. I'm sorry your mom is sick. I hope you can find a way to look after her. It is terrible. Go ahead and cry, it helps release all those bad emotions. If you think that a good therapist could help you, then you should go for it. Posting here might help you too. You can vent here and get advice.
You are a good mother. You're doing what you can to understand your 18 year old's disorder, you protect your little 4 year old girl and your 10 year old boy, you feel bad becouse your other daughter has to be too mature for her age and you're understanding about the fact that your 14 year old's a teenager and you're not too hard on him Their parent's understanding is what kids need. They need to know that you care and do your best.
I'm sorry they locked your 4 year old in a closet. She must know she's safe now, with her mom.
I'm sorry those kids called your 10 year old son those names. They don't know what they're talking about.
Your 18 year old should still get those benefits. He has an illness, after all.
All this stress must be making your IBS worse. The doctors will find a way to make it better. You have your family and yourself to feel better for.
I think talkig to someone about your problems would help you, but if that's not possible, you can always talk here.

I've got a call into our local crisis center. I'm just scared I'm headed for a nervous breakdown and I just do not have time for that. Who will take care of my kids, my mom. I honestly want to go inpatient! But it may just me trying to find a way to cop out of the situation I'm in. I can't hide. Like now, still crying, but I know I have to get up from here, pull it together, get supper fixed, get things ready for school tomorrow. I want to meet with the principle at my son's school in the morning, then I have to rush 40 miles away to the Department of Children's Services to see what we can do about the 18 yr old and his benefits, then jump from there to pick up my mother for her radiation treatment at 1:15 and hope we get done in time for me to rush back home to be able to do carpool. I don't have a support system. There is no one else to do the carpool. And that's just Monday!

Just got a call from the crisis center. She said I need respite care, sorry no time for that! So she suggested I call and get an appointment with their local therapist to talk, not too sure there's time for that, either! Downward Spiral! Head is splitting, still crying and can't stop, maybe it's just a lot of backed up tears I've held back. If that's the case, I'll be crying for the next couple of years!

Thanks for the support!
Pam

Pam, just take that little time for yourself. Nothing will happen if you go to a counsellor once a week or something. I think your kids would think it's odd at first, but then they'd be happy to see their mom calmed down and happy. They're not helpless and sometimes you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of someone else.