I need help

I've felt what I would call depression for most of my life. I've been on and off a lot of meds since I was 8, and I'm turning 20 in a few months. I always humored the thought of suicide, but now it's something of a plan that I've set in motion. I used my money saved for my powerbill to purchase a huge bottle of sleeping pills.

I live by myself, my family is out of contact, I have no more money left to pay my rent, I've never had a job, I've never had any friends or support.

I have ringworm infections all over my body, because I just don't care enough to shower. I've been cycling through my dirty clothes for 3 months, I think I am just used to smelling rotten. My bedding is so black and vile, but it all feels the same to me. Why don't I give a $#%^?

I'm scared to raise my blinds, I sit in the dark all day and sleep. The only time I feel safe to go outside is past midnight. I like to take walks and have these fantasies about being someone else and talking to people. My voice quivers when I speak, I am too scared to ask for help. Who can I ask?

I'm at the library. I smoked a bunch of cigarette butts I found on the ground before I came here. I don't want people to smell me. My worst fear is that they will look at me and know I'm worthless and a waste.

Is this depression or something worse? I read all this JARGON on the internet about it, but it's all ######6 words that mean nothing. "Feeling blue, guilty, hopeless" I don't know if those even apply to me. I feel numb, I don't care about anything enough to feel BLUE.

Can you be so depressed you stop being depressed and just be nothing? That's what I feel like, invisible and nothing.

I'm complaining, but I really just want somebody to talk to.

Hey, Rrrlobster! I'm sorry you're going through this. I have felt numb too and depressed. I guess you might have gotten to this point becouse you've been depressed for so long. You can talk here and there will always be someone to listen. Please don't hurt yourself and stay alive.
I think this might be some way for you to avoid and escape reality and pain and you're so stuck in it becouse a change would hurt you. Please do something for yourself. Have a shower and let a little light in. Tell us how you're doing.

Rrrlobster wrote:I've felt what I would call depression for most of my life. I've been on and off a lot of meds since I was 8, and I'm turning 20 in a few months. I always humored the thought of suicide, but now it's something of a plan that I've set in motion. I used my money saved for my powerbill to purchase a huge bottle of sleeping pills.

I live by myself, my family is out of contact, I have no more money left to pay my rent, I've never had a job, I've never had any friends or support.

I have ringworm infections all over my body, because I just don't care enough to shower. I've been cycling through my dirty clothes for 3 months, I think I am just used to smelling rotten. My bedding is so black and vile, but it all feels the same to me. Why don't I give a $#%^?

I'm scared to raise my blinds, I sit in the dark all day and sleep. The only time I feel safe to go outside is past midnight. I like to take walks and have these fantasies about being someone else and talking to people. My voice quivers when I speak, I am too scared to ask for help. Who can I ask?

I'm at the library. I smoked a bunch of cigarette butts I found on the ground before I came here. I don't want people to smell me. My worst fear is that they will look at me and know I'm worthless and a waste.

Is this depression or something worse? I read all this JARGON on the internet about it, but it's all ######6 words that mean nothing. "Feeling blue, guilty, hopeless" I don't know if those even apply to me. I feel numb, I don't care about anything enough to feel BLUE.

Can you be so depressed you stop being depressed and just be nothing? That's what I feel like, invisible and nothing.

I'm complaining, but I really just want somebody to talk to.

hi R,
wow you were very very honest in your post, most people dont have the guts to unload what you just did. Going to a public place like the library, at least you can get out of bed.
Wearing dirty clothes is one way to keep people away.
Living in filth and unkempted. I dont know much about ringworm.
When I felt that depressed, I just laid in bed waiting to die. It never happened. I planned a couple ways, someone asked me, I told the truth, why lie? And that was 4 yrs ago.
Just because your overwhelmed with life, and everything seems to be piss in a pot, you might not be high enough to see light on up the path, you have chose and your brain seems to agree.

Look, our brain is a awesome organ, but when there is a chemical imbalance, we can be locked in utter hell.
Have you thought about going to a psych ward? If you have been fighting depression since your were 8, I figure you know the routine. There are meds out there R, that will help you. I have been on the for years. If I stop, I get locked in to a very black hole of hell, where there is no comfort for anything.
So I have learn: a) take meds b) I feel better c) I want to stop meds because I feel better and I am tired of taking them. AND then there is d) Don't stop taking meds and take as prescribed.
e) always be honest with your shrink, they can help.

I have been seeing the same shrink for four years. The method is supposed to go like this:
1. see shrink every 4 weeks for 3 months
2. see shrink every 6 weeks for 3 months
3. see shrink once every 90 days.
After 4 years I still require #1. BUT I am here, I am HAPPY and I am alive. I can come up with over 100 reasons to live.

sorry to have ramble. I will try to be around if you want to talk.
later,
red

Same for me...depressed since age 11 or so. But don't hoard your "sleeping pills" ...probably, they don't work. Don't get your hopes up. If you can, try to find religion or something. Or a job. They suck- big blue donkey balls- but maybe you can find some independence. I know you said you can't pay your bills now, but how did you pay them before? I know how I did, by debasing myself, over and over again. You can do it. SI se puede! Yes we can. WE can debase ourselves repeatedly. That's what we do.

I've had ringworm, I think- from my old, beloved cat. Tinea, maybe? But I loved that cat. I also haven't washed my clothes even though I smoke because I couldn't afford it. I've picked up some food from the streets, though not cigarette butts.

Email me, I think we may have something in common: politicat0@yahoo.com. God bless.

I'm sorry for the way you are living. I have heard of many people doing what you are doing, but it was because they were addicted to drugs. I go to AA and NA, so I've heard many horror stories like yours. I went down pretty far with the drugs, but thank God I do not have to live like I use to or as many of my good friends used to.

You would feel a lot better, if you can force yourself to clean yourself and your clothes. In 12-step programs we are taught to live one day or one hour at a time. You may want to try that.

The ringworm is a fungus infection. It is treated by cleaning up and especially drying off after bathing. The infection loves warm, moist areas. You may be able to get some medicine at a pharmacy. The medicine usually has to be applied twice each day for about a month. Fungus infections take a long time to go away.

Good Luck,
Jim S