Seeking some help/guidance.

I suppose I will start with a little something about myself. I am a twenty-something male. Up until a few months ago I was a law student at a top law school. I dropped out due to something I've never felt before in my life.

In the middle of the semester I was overwhelmed by what I can only describe as an overwhelming feeling of gloom, sadness, despair, self-doubt, and terror. It was physically overwhelming to the point where I could no longer read, write, or concentrate for any useful period of time. I'm sure the stress of school contributed or triggered it somehow. But I usually handle stress OK and get over it. I had experienced short periods of sadness before, but this was something new - it had an almost totally crippling effect on me. This was clearly effecting my performance and i decided to leave school without leaving a permanent mark on my academic record of failing all of my classes.

I have since moved home with my parent. The less stressful environment helped for a time. However, the last few weeks have gotten increasingly worse. I feel that I am drowning or descending into a dark hole of nothingness. I've tried getting jobs but my depression seems to be inhibiting all of my social skills. I am usually a very sociable person and can get any position once I interview, but something is amiss. It is as if I am looking at the world through a gray veil. Intellectually, it is hard for me to even write this post in a coherent manner.

I am certain that my rough childhood, parental situation, and other dysfunctional events in my past are contributing factors in where I am right now. I had thought that I was tough enough to deal with it, or that I was over it now but i suppose I haven't resolved it all yet. Furthermore, I believe my family may have a history of depression/mental illness but can't be sure - we have never been one to submit to psychiatric services/evaluations.

I know I need some kind of help, but I am in a very difficult situation. I have no job, I am uninsured, and have no money. I am a well educated young adult and feel like I should be able to get my life together. But I feel like I'm trying to tread water in quicksand. All of my past academic achievements including my paying for law school came from academic scholarships and loans which are now starting go into repayment - which isn't helping any. Paying for law school loans when you don't have a lawyer's salary is depressing enough. I know that I need help, but I don't know what/who I should contact.

I don't particularly have any thoughts of suicide or anything. I am lucid enough to realize something is wrong in my life. I realize that something is amiss (you're not crazy if you know you're crazy right?)

From my studies in university, I am familiar with some psychiatric options. I've read some works by Freud (who hasn't), Jung, Laing, Cardinal, etc. I'm familiar with the different therapies available from talk therapy to psychoanalysis. I think I may benefit most from a deep relationship with a psychoanalyst, but then again who knows whats best. The anti-psychoanalysis movement seems to be just as strong as the pro-psychoanalysis movement. I'm not too sure how I feel about just meeting with someone who will give me some anti-depressants. I'm not anti-drug per-se....its just that I feel I would have a better, more complete recovery by talking about some fundamental issues at the route of my problem.

Well....I will stop rambling and see if someone can offer some advice help. Thanks.

Hi, Agrippa! Welcome to the forum. You could be depressed becouse of all the stress that you were going through in school and becouse of your rough childhood, like you said.
I'm glad you don't have suicidal thoughts. I think it would be good for you to be tested for depression or maybe even Disthymia(a milder form of depression that doesn't usually include suicidal thoughts). I am not a therapist and no one here can give you a diagnosis. I think the best kind of therapy helps you see what caused your problem but gives you a way to get better too.
It's not good to dwel on the past, but talking about it and your feelings is necesary. Maybe you could talk to us here and look for a therapist too.

Hi, Agrippa. I offer you my sympathy.

If you can get a medical diagnosis for yourself, your loans may be able to be placed on some kind of medical forbearance status. I realize you're living in something of a fog, yet you'll need to accomplish this before going into any kind of formal default-like status.

I have offered this advice on here elsewhere, but depending on where you live, you should be able to get access to public mental health care. I lived in a small to medium-size city when I had major depression, and I used the county mental health/mental retardation services for psychiatric care and meds. I also was referred by that organization to sliding-scale counseling.

Do you have anyone in your life who might be able to hash through some of the details of all this with you?

thanks for the support. Ive gotten a little better to the point where I can function somewhat normally. Ive forced myself to go out with friends and wake up early every day and I think this has helped. But i still feel like im on a knife edge between normalcy(if there is such a thing) and depression.

First on my things to do list is get a job/career going so that i can get some sort of benefits. This is kind of difficult around where I am right now, so we'll see how it goes.

Agrippa, I'm glad you're doing better! I hope you can find a good job. Staying busy, going out and waking up early helps me too. You can count on us for support.

Agrippa,

I'm sorry for your troubles. I teach in a community college part time. Education is really expensive. When you stop going to school, they want you to start paying loans back quickly.

As for your depression you might find cheap help in self-help groups like Emotions Anonymous or Recovery, Inc. I have a long history of mental illness, but I function fairly well because of the help I received in Recovery, Inc. and other self-help groups. On my website I hae a lot of information that a person could read to get help, including reviews of many books that I found helpful.
Good Luck,
Jim S

Agrippa, like the moth! cool. Hey, it's good you are trying to pull yourself out of this black hole of depression from nowhere. school is stressful (I've been going for five years now...one more) and I know how hopeless it feels sometimes...like you may not graduate or maybe what you are doing doesn't feel right (though what I am doing now is perfect for me I think) Good Luck!

I just wanted to come and give everyone an update.

I'm scheduled for a consultation in the next few days with a therapist to give me some help. I'm not sure if I can afford it, but agreed to an initial visit. i was told that there is a pro-bono program available as well but that the waiting period is very long. We'll see how this works out.

I just started reading your posts tonight. I think you have a strong sense of control over yourself and able to learn very quickly. I went through a numb period during my graduate studies five years ago and I am just now getting a healthy view of myself and cutting myself some slack. I accepted me, finally, about four days ago. lol I learned to recognize those who were "emotional leeches" and am avoiding them. I hope school goes well for you as well as your consultations.