FALLING APART! ( and a therapist who makes things worse)

I was hospitalized late september in the adolescent psych ward. they put me on wellbutrin (same med my mom and dad both take). at first i was slipping them behind my tongue and saving them so i could use them to OD (all the pills were kept in a locked safe), but then i read that it had no lethal dose and i gave up. i didnt even have the energy to try and kill myself. i dont know if its helped. i mean, it has because its cleared the haze and allowed me to step back and look at my life, but i hate what i see when i look at my life. sometimes id rather be back in the distance. i first saw a shrink when i was 7 and then stopped when i was 9. i saw another one for a few months when i was 12 and now i have to see one again, after the hospitalization (im 14). i hate my psychiatrists and therapist. both of them. i hate going there. ive tried switching therapists but i dont think i'll ever like any of them. you know why? i can't tell them the truth. i cant let anything slip. my aunt was talking to me and she said that when she was going through her divorce she liked going to a therapist because her therapist "only had her best interest" in mind. Well, my therapist is going to tell my mom everything I say that is concerning. and i hate to say this, but i really dont like my mom. i would say hate but i dont hate her because thats a really strong word, but if she were my age and was just a classmate she'd be the kind of person i'd laugh at, avoid, and talk about behind her back (and im not the kind of person who does that!) When i was asking her why i had to go so often, she said it was because i was on medication. i said that she was on meds too, and she said, "Well, i didnt threaten to kill myself." WTF? I NEVER threatened to kill myself. I kept EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT inside my head. once i let it slip on paper - a journal, that is. i said, "if i had a gun i would have had killed myself by now", meaning that, if i had access to a gun in the past, i would have killed myself. in the past. i wasnt even feeling depressed when id written it, it was a reflection. and she went searching through my room because she thought i was feeling depressed and read my diary and found that, called Kaiser, and blah blah blah blah blah. sometimes she acts all concerned and then othertimes she'll say, "im doing you a favor by taking you here. youre just unappreciative." and when my brother is angry at me and will say stuff like, "go back to the psych ward" or "just go kill yourself" she wont do anything. she always is comparing my behavior to what she thinks is "normal behavior" for me, which is what normal behavior for HER is. i'm just starting to come into myself and shes trying to take it all away. if she werent my mother i would hate her but shes my mom so i cant. and when she tells me i'm her "favorite person" i wonder how can she be so oblivious? if she gets something in her head no one can take it out. i know she has depression too but wouldnt that make her understand? everythings just falling apart.

Hey, 123coffee! Welcome to the forum.
It must be so difficult to have to go to a psych and not be able to tell them everything. I bet it's really frustrating.
Your mom isn't helping you when she compares you to some ideal she has in her head about how someone should be. You are developing as a person and no one can be perfect. She had absolutly no right to go through your diary. You don't have to like her just becouse she is your mother and you have the right to feel how you feel. Parents don't always understand but you can count on yourself now. You are your own person and you have this forum too.

Hi, 123coffee. My heart goes out to you--you're describing a situation that sounds stressful and confusing.

Your mother obviously has some boundary issues. When I was growing up, my mom was the same way. Still is. (I'm 30.) It made me mad then, and it still makes me mad. Jasmin is right that your mother shouldn't have read your journal.

Could you at least talk to your therapist about the lack of trust you feel, more or less what you told us here? Because I think the therapist might understand that really well. That way, maybe you could also find out what your therapist's views on your privacy are, since you're a minor. I'm not sure if confidentiality laws in this case are federal or state or both, or what the laws are in your state.

123Coffee...

It sounds like your parents, especially mom, is trying to use you for the "doever" of their lives. Hindsight is perfect; implementation is impossible. I think your mother is trying to make up for her mistakes both in her own life and in her relationship wiht you. She needs to focus on herself and the now. The rest is over.

I was curious of to the confdentiality rights of a minor, so I found the MHA site. Here is the link if you care to look it over.

http://mhawestchester.org/yourrights/co ... iality.asp

I understand that this is "in theory" and you are dealing with "real world." But if ethics are being broken, it is important that you know that what is being done is wrong at least in the eyes of the professional's code of conduct.

If this is true, then the question is your confidence in telling your therapist and their eithics. Telling your therapist that you don't like your mother isn't something that indicates you are a danger to yourself, so it is not something that should be shared. And most therapists have a double-speak when they have talk to others about their patients which serves to keep the other person from knowing the specifics of priviledged conversations.

Good luck, at least you have this forum to express your feelings without worrying about them being used against you.

N.

hi, 123coffee,

If you tell your pdoc and therapist that you do not want your info
shared with your parent, they cant do it. It is against the law.

Nobody says "you have to love" your mom.
I grew up hating my mom. she screwed me over for her pedophile
2nd husband. I was very unhappy with my mother yet I could not give up that relationship, so I have had many therapist help me.
I feel so bad for you, I know what that feels like. It is awful.
(((((((((((((((((((123coffee)))))))))))))))))))
Hugs for you,
Red

Just to chime in briefly, the confidentiality laws appear to differ from state to state. I didn't post a link to any laws because I found more than one set of them. In one state, for example, the parents have the right to request all notes from any therapy sessions. In New York, as nymenche posted, the minor has lots of rights. I think 123coffee should find out what his or her therapist's policies are and what specific laws apply.

I think the law in california (or this is what the therapist told me) is that anything that concerns her she tells my mom. but i dont trust the therapist.

hi, again...

Another site, this one specific to California and with the Calif code references.

http://www.teenhealthrights.org/fileadm ... _chart.pdf

But, if you don't trust the therapist, it doesn't matter what the law says. You are wasting your time and the therapist's, as well as you parent's money, if you don't have a working relationship with this person.

Is the therapy mandatory? If not, you may be able to convince either the therapist or one of your parents that nothing positive is going to come of the sessions.

IMHO, your mom is a control freak who is driven to "understand" you. If she thinks that sending you to a therapist is a just another version of reading your diary, she is only fooling herself.


Best,

nymenche wrote:hi, again...

Another site, this one specific to California and with the Calif code references.

http://www.teenhealthrights.org/fileadm ... _chart.pdf

But, if you don't trust the therapist, it doesn't matter what the law says. You are wasting your time and the therapist's, as well as you parent's money, if you don't have a working relationship with this person.

Is the therapy mandatory? If not, you may be able to convince either the therapist or one of your parents that nothing positive is going to come of the sessions.

IMHO, your mom is a control freak who is driven to "understand" you. If she thinks that sending you to a therapist is a just another version of reading your diary, she is only fooling herself.


Best,

after i got out of the hospital therapy is compulsory. i think everyone knows im not telling them anything. theyve changed therapists on me so many times because they all got frustrated with me. But thanks alot for the chart...yeah I fall under the "would present a danger of serious physical or mental harm to self or others without mental health treatment." Tbh the place makes me depressed. Nymenche, I think you read my mom's mind.

Hi, again. I just wanted to say that you can at least vent here and there's no way for her to read this "diary" It's not fair that the therapist has to tell your mother what concerns them about you. It's you they're suposed to be working with.