old friends

im feeling pretty low right now so thought id write some of it down. i dunno maybe itll help. i hope so.

ive been looking at my old school friends photos (on the internet). some from times we all spent together but a lot more from parties or other 'get togethers' that i never knew about. its hit me how left out i was of things. its brought back a lot of unhappy memories of being a social leper.

i dont think my friends intentionally meant to hurt me but they did. this may be a horrible thing to say but i partly blame them for my self-esteem being so low.

i felt ignored by my 'friends'. nobody cared about what i had to say. i was made to feel extremely inferior to everyone else. one person in particular (who was for a long time my best friend) always spoke down to me. she laughed at me and pityed me. if i was talking to one friend, often another would turn up and sit between me and the friend with her back towards me. sometimes it was intentional to exclude me, but more often than not it was simply becasue they did not see me....i was invisible to them. none of my friends cared about me....i started getting seriously low during gcse's and a-levels (the start of my depression) but nobody asked if i was ok, they probably didnt even notice. i felt like i was intruding. i did not feel like i belonged in my own group of friends. break times and lunch was very awkward, i would often sit by myself or if i plucked up the courage to sit with my 'friends' i still didnt get spoken to.

ive not really kept in touch with these friends from school. ive seen some of them 2/3 times in the last 2+ years. but everyone else still keeps in contact. they are all still friends. they all care about each other. they meet up. they visit each other. but not me. i just wish i knew what it is about me that is so unlikeable.

looking through those old photos, im so glad my school days are in the past. that was a very low time for me. for over a year i cried myself to sleep every single night.

hey A'ine, thanks for the reply, im glad u have found a way to protect ur happiness from harm caused through unhealthy friendships.

but i dont think i can be that picky when it comes to friends. im not blessed with enough friends to cut off contact with those that hurt me from time to time. having said that, i dont really have much contact with my friends from school that i was talking about. but even though i am not in contact with them, they are still indirectly hurtig me....the memories are still there, the feelings of inadequacy are still with me every day. every day i fear that i will be treated in the same way again.

since being at university and making some new friends i have realised just how unfriendly they were.....i know know how friends are supposed to treat u and make u feel, but at school i never knew any better cos i had never had friends that cared about my feelings.