am i stopping myself getting better?

by **ifonly...** » Thu Oct 25, 2007 5:16 pm

my dr asked me this...i know eating healthily and getting exercise is supposed to help but i dont force myself to do them. i say its a severe lack of energy and motivation to do anything that stops me...but now im questionning myself.

i know that i dont want to live like this. it is so damn difficult to keep on going. the mental turmoil is unvearable. feeling intrinsically different from 'normal' people just pushes me further down. so yeh i def want to put an end to this......but the end i want lies in suicide. so maybe i am stopping myself getting better. cos if i do do things to make me feel better id be further away from my wishes. i know to build up the guts to kill myself, continuing despair that im not getting better would be beneficial. is this making any sense? im pretty sure even if i was 'normal' i still wouldnt want to live...so maybe im hanging onto this diagnosis cos it would make more sense to others when i kill myself.

other resons my dr mentioned that people may (unconsciously) prevent themselves getting better are due to guilt and hating themselves so they dont think they deserve to get better. I can relate to those feelings a lot too.

but then, im giving a 2nd ad a go (even tho the 1st made me worse..as is this one actually), ive gone to psychiatrist and psychologist appointments even though i didnt want to, ive tried counselling....so how can he say i dont want to get better if im prepared to try all this stuff? but maybe i go to them cos i like the attention.....i feel like they care and want to help me and ive never had that before

i dont try self-help techniques....i dont talk positively to myself (cos i think its all lies if i did), i dont try techniques to prevent urges to cut like putting ice to ur skin, i dont look after my physcial health etc etc.

i dunno

maybe i am to blame. maybe i am the reason im not responding to any medical treatment. crap this makes me feel like a stupid piece of $#%^. but then with depression this severe, can it really all be down to me???

can anyone understand/relate/offer advice??? sorry its kinda long

, because you keep trying and want to free yourself from depression (and you will).

I'd like to say that you have spent a lot of time living under depression. That most likely involves state dependency. That is your memory has been trained to work better under depression and you most likely operate better under depression now in general.

To change that, you need Behavioural Therapy, classical conditioning or operant conditioning (i.e. behaviour modification) or even better both. It's like when you learn to live without cigarettes if you were a former smoker or without coffee (although, admitably, quitting coffee is way to easier than quitting cigarettes).

I just did operant conditioning on you at the start of the post! I gave you a smile, because you keep trying to free yourself from depression.

Cognitive Therapy combines very well with behaviour therapy too, in fact cognitive therapy and behaviour therapy are often provided together by mental health professionals.

Ask your doctor about what I told you and if he can suggest you a good psychologist that specialises on cognitive-behavioural psychology.

Some other observarvations to you now: Stop blaming and putting down yourself; try to be your best friend (talk to you the way you would talk to your best friend, be supportive to yourself).

by **SmallTalkRed** » Fri Oct 26, 2007 4:29 pm

ifonly...,

Ditto to everything somebody said.

If you are all walled up, how can you see out, for help and positivness. You are being to hard on yourself. You deserve a break from negative feelings and thoughts that make depression dig in that much deeper.

Admitting that you do try positive thinking or reading your own affirmations, is a big step towards doing it.

Lots of people go through life crumbling never feeling happy, Ya can do this. Why? Because deep down you want it and you are fighting to move forward.
Somebody said alot of things for you to think about.

by **somebody** » Fri Oct 26, 2007 4:57 pm

Hello SmallTalkRed.

I would also like to add that negative thinking is a bad self-fulfilling prophecy. By thinking negatively you optimise yourself in a negative manner, thus failing. Although failing is not bad per se (because you can learn from your mistakes), trying your best to fail obviously is no good, is it? That is very detrimental.

On the other hand, thinking positively, reassuring, praising and encouraging yourself you optimise youself in a possitive manner, your self-fulfilling profecy becomes success, and thus you succeed.

A reason to put down yourself is that in the short term it may motivate you to change, but it's not very strong and it is also detrimental. Go for positive thinking as it is way more powerful and it's effects are more lasting. You'll like it, give it a try!

by **ifonly...** » Sat Oct 27, 2007 1:09 pm

thankyou so much for the replies. i am supposed to be starting cognitive behavioural therapy soon so hopefully that will help.

well, since i started this thread ive been considering what the dr told me a lot and i have come to accept that yes I have to make more effort to get better and well i wrote the following note to myself (i thought id post it here to prevent me ripping it up – so u guys can read it to shout at me when Im not sticking to my own advice) Ok so here it is....

I wrote:You have to fight to get better. You have to want to be happy. Quit seeing the world through such negative perspectives. Ok so there is a lot of negative stuff out there but you can alter ur perception of everyday stuff. Search for the beauty in the world. Its ok to have bad days, everyone does, but don’t allow urself to get too comfortable with this – don’t allow it to become the norm. its not. It shouldn’t be. I are the only person who can ultimately get myself out of this pit of despair. Its gonna take effort but you just have to do it. Realistically, suicide is not an option, so stop falling back onto suicidal thoughts like they are your safety net – they are not a safe place to be. You have to continue living. Im not going to go as far as saying I want to live but I do have to live for my familys sake and because suicide is not the morally correct answer (in my opinion). So whenever you have suicidal thoughts, immediately distract yourself – think of something/anything else. Do not allow urself to consciously ruminate on these. Its dangerous and eventually becomes a habit.

I want to make something of my life. I want to help out others who are in a similar situation. I want to allow myself to feel loved. I want to start my own family one day. But I can’t do any of that when I’m like this. So I HAVE to get better. I have to work towards getting better.

Heres the necessary steps Im gonna have to work on:
1. Accept that I am in control of how I feel – ok so I cant miraculously cure myself but I have to make the first step to allow external help (medicines, therapy etc) to start working.
2. Convince myself that life is worth living. Tell myself that I am entitled to be as happy as others and stop telling myself that it will never happen for me. It will, with work.
3. Take an active participation in life. Stop allowing life to pass yourself by. Don’t waste so many opportunities. Im still young there is a lot of stuff out there to enjoy. But time is limited. So make the most of every second.
4. Work on changing ur attitudes towards life. Quit thinking everyone hates you. I am a good person. Why should strangers be thinking horrible stuff about me? Why should my friends just be putting u with me? Unless u have evidence to support such beliefs, they are just in my head. So stop worrying.
5. Cut yourself some slack. Nobody is perfect so stop exhausting urself by striving to achieve the impossible all the time. Don’t beat urself up when u mess up. Everybody does it sometimes. It ok. Its not the end of the world. My happiness has to come first, before success.
6. Love yourself – how can u expect others to love u when u don’t urself? I have to feel like im worthy of good things. I have to be kind to myself. I have to look after my physical and emotional needs. I have to learn to comfort myself.

So get on with it. Start living. Start enjoying life. Help yourself to get better. What have you got to lose in trying?

(Sorry it kinda skips between talking in the 1st and 3rd person - but I didnt want to keep correcting myself cos it would have disrupted my flow) I know it sounds like im being a little harsh on myself too, like im shoutig at myself, but thats what i need to get myself to do it.

Actually i wrote this yesterday and since then Ive actually been in a good mood! I have been kind to myself...I have 'treated myself' in little ways. I have allowed myself to put work work to one side for a while without feeling like im failing.

People here told me that if I get a momentary feeling that I want to get better or when i see there might be hope I have to grab hold of it and not let go.....so that’s what im doing

by **jims** » Sat Oct 27, 2007 8:54 pm

I can relate to having a negative view of myself and not trying to help myself. These thoughts are part of the disease of depression--just like a sore throat is a symtom of strep throat. We have to take little steps at getting psoisive. We have to pat ourselves on the back for every effort we make. Writing a message on this site is a big effort. We can't change overnight. cognitive therapy helped me a great deal; give it a good shot--it is work, but it will work.
Good Luck,
Jim S

by **CriminallyVulgar** » Mon Oct 29, 2007 7:20 am

I can definatly understand what you mean. When you want to kill yourself any attempts at getting better seem hopeless, just prolonging the pain.

I'm in the same boat. I've yet to muster the never to finnaly kill myself.

You want to die? You'll get your wish eventually, everybody dies. As long as you may live it will be the blink of an eye compared to the eternity that comes after, so just ride it out.

am i stopping myself getting better?

am i stopping myself getting better?

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