Need to get off medication

Hi, I have psychotic depression and I hate being medicated.

Recently it's gotten worse, where I feel like I'm not experiencing reality as it really is due to my medication. I always feel that actually, but it's just worse now.

Whenever I'm at my most desperate I usually feel the presence of angels but lately I have not felt them at all and I think the medication is numbing me down and blinding me to these things. I don't want to believe the things I experienced at a lower dose of my meds were actually just symptoms and that is why they've gone away. It felt religious and I don't want to give that up. It's like my one real hope.

I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I can't just quit my medication by myself, I know I'd feel worse physically. These drugs are too addictive. But I hate them. I don't know if my psychiatrist would listen to my complaints and wean me off my meds when I'm doing so bad in general. But I really need it.

In another thread, you mention changing your meds some. How is it affecting things re: this thread?

Now I'm feeling even more inclined to quit my meds in secret.

At first, when I noticed the change was making me less likely to hurt myself, I briefly thought I should resign and continue with my medication, since everything's easier if I don't SH, but it quickly didn't seem worth it.

I'm thinking of quitting my medications in stages, a couple of them at a time (I'm on 6 different psychiatric medications).

I feel like going a while unmedicated will be good for me. It will help me see things more clearly. If it makes me more self destructive, I'm scared of the outcome, but I see no other option for me.

Hmm. I watched a Youtube recently that I might post about in Anti-Psych. I don't know I can directly link to it, but I'll give what's needed to find it easily enough. Look for me in there. It's about going off meds.

Having done that, I'm back to say... well, I don't know if I would do it in secret.

I mean, I just mentioned one person's bad experience with the mental health system. But she's also the first to say if something works for you, then it works for you!

I guess my concern would be the 'psychotic' aspect. I suppose it comes down to how you are when you're not on the meds. Personally, I'm of the opinion that if meds keep me from harming myself or doing otherwise risky behaviour, then I'd take the meds. I've only taken a mild SSRI for a limited time, but I really needed it at the time. I did notice side-effects I didn't care for, it made my moods 'blunted' and had sexual side effects. But I've thought about going on it again. I just really don't like the hassle of going to the doc-in-a-box and having to get the bloodwork every six months. I also don't like having to worry about drug interactions, as well as not being able to drink when I'd like to (which isn't often, that's something I have to keep a rein on so I just don't do it much). Meh. It's always some kind of tradeoff.