Everything feels hopeless. I dont know how to pull myself ou

Hi everyone. I've been struggling with depressing for as long as I can remember. I have Clinical Depression, GAD, autism & Complex ptsd. I feel so hopeless. I'm struggling to get up out of bed each day. I just stare at the ceiling or scroll on my phone. My house is a mess. My life is a mess. I don't have the energy to cook most days so I eat like crap & even just showering is a huge effort. I experienced a lot growing up & its led to feelings of shame, guild, self loathing & just like feeling like I domt deserve anything good or dont deserve to take care of myself.

Health problems have made me gain a lot of weight & I was never attractive before but I know I'm definitely not now. And I'm so lonely. I don't have any confidence & my anxiety is so bad that I can't join clubs or meet new people. My insecurities are just getting the better of me & frankly ruining everything.

People tell me I should be happy on my own, but growing up feeling unloved & being abused, I jusy crave that love and affection & I want to give that to someone else I think it's human nature to seek companionship but I know I wouldn't be a good partner right now. I'm always sad & I feel like it's not fair for my partner to have to support me through how bad my mental health gets. I feel so unloved. I know that my jnsecurites cause problems in my relationships. I know my anxiety is hard to deal with & all of this just makes me feel lower than I already do.

I'm a hopeless romantic who always dreamed about the one & I cope by living in fantasyland most if the time I guess. By that I mean I constantly imagine scenarios it a future partner and what it'll be like.

I know I need to put myself first. I know I need to eat healthier, eat regularly, exercise more, lose the weight. I'm afraid it's never gonna happen for me. That I'm too complex, too needy, too much, too ugly. That I'll spend tje rest of my life feeling unwanted & alone. I need to pull myself out of this place and I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to get tje motivation to do the things I need to. I spend all day sometimes getting ready & sitting on the couch just willing myself to go outside.

I'm working in my mental health, I've been attending therapy for 13 years now. It's only just started to help last year and then therapy ended because they discharged me. Therapy was the only thing that kept me going having an outelt, a safe place to talk things through. But that's gone now.

I'm at the mercy of the health care system who decides if I get treatment or not. So not much I can do there. I used to be a lot more active. But I became disabled & I have chronic pain now which makes things difficult.

I look in the mirror & I hate my body. I hate how i look. It isnt me. But I have an untreated Eating disorder so when I exercise I become obsessed with it & with calories & tracking my food.

I'm feeling so low & unmotivated. I know I'm the problem. I just need to try harder. But I'm trying so hard just to keep it all together & feed myself & manage my pain & disabilities, there's not much else left honestly. I just fear I'll end up sad & alone