Enduring Life

I have been in and out of therapy for years, and I take meds. I read self-help books and work on myself. But me or my life never really improves or gets better. I suspect I may have treatment-resistant depression. I have had a very difficult, challenging life. Survived multiple traumas, to the point where I don't even know myself anymore. I have been trying to figure out how on earth I can be a happier person. But maybe the truth is, I can't be. I'm not designed to be. It's not that I don't have gratitude, I do. I take the time, every moment I find something I appreciate, to express gratitude or appreciation for it. However, this doesn't make me a happier person. It just means I'm grateful but still depressed.

I've taken time to notice and write down the things that make me happy, but they don't consistently make me happy.

I'm 36 and don't have a career. I'm not married and have no kids. I don't really have anything (doesn't help I lost almost everything last year, but that's a trauma story). I feel very aimless in my life. I read books, and articles and do all sorts of research to find my purpose, and figure out how to add meaning to my life. I feel constantly thwarted, stuck, and like I'm never going anywhere. My life is what it is, but what it makes me unhappy. So I'm stuck in this endless loop of going nowhere and having severe life dissatisfaction. I have a therapist, I work on myself ALL the time but it feels like nothing helps or makes a difference. I'm just...stuck in this miserable existence of endless suffering and I don't know what to do with myself or my life because I feel like I've been doing things without results.

What do you do when you're this...hopeless? I work so hard and go nowhere. I'm perpetually confused about myself. I don't know who I am, where I'm going, what I should be doing. Where to begin? OR if this just IS what my life is and I need to accept it but that makes me more depressed. I feel like I have no control over my life.

I didn't get married until 46 years old, no kids, but I enjoy everyone else's. It's OK to be an uncle. It's OK to be different.
We shouldn't measure success and failure like we do. Who's standards are we going by anyway?

I did work, eat, sleep as the decades slipped by. I drank heavily in my free time instead of being with people. Life wasn't life for many years. It was existence. I was empty.

I did mental health therapy. I was treated for depression & panic attacks. I was on mild meds. I attended 12 step programs. I couldn't get better alone & I was an isolator.

All of a sudden I'm old. I didn't really expect to still be here. My friendship matters to friends & family.
Later in life I finally have my peace.

I was missing an important 'frame of reference' in my self-imposed isolation. I was hiding. I was ashamed. Of what? I did not know.
Being around other people didn't make me feel so unique with 'my' problems. Or the problems I thought I had.
Many people are worse off than you or me, but we can't see that or feel their pain when we are stuck in our head. Many of us can't or don't make it through. Be one of the ones who makes it through.
Best of luck to you.

emptywithinme wrote:I have been in and out of therapy for years, and I take meds. I read self-help books and work on myself. But me or my life never really improves or gets better. I suspect I may have treatment-resistant depression. I have had a very difficult, challenging life. Survived multiple traumas, to the point where I don't even know myself anymore. I have been trying to figure out how on earth I can be a happier person. But maybe the truth is, I can't be. I'm not designed to be. It's not that I don't have gratitude, I do. I take the time, every moment I find something I appreciate, to express gratitude or appreciation for it. However, this doesn't make me a happier person. It just means I'm grateful but still depressed.

I've taken time to notice and write down the things that make me happy, but they don't consistently make me happy.

I'm 36 and don't have a career. I'm not married and have no kids. I don't really have anything (doesn't help I lost almost everything last year, but that's a trauma story). I feel very aimless in my life. I read books, and articles and do all sorts of research to find my purpose, and figure out how to add meaning to my life. I feel constantly thwarted, stuck, and like I'm never going anywhere. My life is what it is, but what it makes me unhappy. So I'm stuck in this endless loop of going nowhere and having severe life dissatisfaction. I have a therapist, I work on myself ALL the time but it feels like nothing helps or makes a difference. I'm just...stuck in this miserable existence of endless suffering and I don't know what to do with myself or my life because I feel like I've been doing things without results.

What do you do when you're this...hopeless? I work so hard and go nowhere. I'm perpetually confused about myself. I don't know who I am, where I'm going, what I should be doing. Where to begin? OR if this just IS what my life is and I need to accept it but that makes me more depressed. I feel like I have no control over my life.

I don't want you to lose hope, please.

I can say that because I had depression for many, many years and I couldn't find a fix.

Speak honestly with your doctor. This med doesn't work, this one doesn't either, things like that.

There are many new medications out there. I have Bipolar I, and it took 8 years to be diagnosed. 8 long years in which the depression never went away. It is easy to lose hope, I do know this from personal experience. I literally had to have a manic episode for me to be diagnosed bipolar and the. treatment began from there based on that diagnosis. And eventually I got to where I am at. I have the right medications and I am stable with no depression any longer. This is my personal story only.

Do your best.

I worked as a cafeteria helper, basically, a cafeteria lady for just over a year and eventually I moved up to a different job with a bit better pay and more hours. I understand about not having a career. I go to school part time and right now I have a D. Very disheartening. I have a whole another half of a semester to raise that grade. I will work much harder. I may never get my degree are the things that run through my mind, and that is ok. I just want to live my life the best I am able to and be happy. Happiness doesn't mean you have to be working in a position that you have to be way up there like an accountant. (that is my goal to be become an accountant), I just want to be happy. I will still try very hard to get my degree, but it won't take away from my happiness if I don't reach that goal in this lifetime. Be easy on yourself. I even thought about being a custodian. No shame in that. Big cyber hug to you!