Can't cope

I'm having a really bad time of it these past few weeks. Bad anxiety, feelings of hopelessness and dread, depression. I just want to sleep all day so I don't have to think of these things. But it's there when I wake up. I've been having some passive suicidal thoughts these past few weeks too.

Besides the anxiety, I feel like I've somewhat become a different person since my OCD manifested 3-4 years ago (or I became more aware of it).

I feel like I am in a constant state of anxiety and depression. I've alway been a bit of a depressive person, linked to my low self-esteem. Over the years I've made some strides in bettering myself, but I feel like I've lost all of that.

As I've been more anxious/depressive, I feel like I've also become more envious, irritable, and short fused. I'm a bit of a sounding board for my families and friends problems, and there are some days when I just want to scream that I just can't do it. I can't keep listening to their problems, it gives me so much anxiety. But I continue out of guilt/obligation, which makes me feel horrible. I WANT to want to listen to them. I want to be empathetic, but there are times where a family member could be talking to me, crying, and and while cognitively I'm concerned, I feel almost nothing but the all-consuming anxiety of OCD. Constantly checking my own emotions, wondering why I'm not crying along with them, wondering what's wrong with me.

I've been having anxiety that I am a narcissist again lately, and these events don't help. I feel like the anxiety and constant checking cut off any emotions I may feel at the time, so they're really just a feeling that then gets choked away when my brain says "did you REALLY feel that? Was that real? For attention?" and I spiral. I have had the same problems when I was worried about having schizoid personality disorder, ASPD, worried about being asexual, etc. Even when I DO feel an emotion around something, such as being happy for a friend getting a job that he enjoys, my mind will almost immediately trick me into thinking that that emotion was fake.

There are also times where I feel like I don't really KNOW someone. Like they will be talking to me, and I'm listening and talking back, but it feels like there's not really anything there. Like they're not, idk real? Or I'm not? Like clearly I know they are, but it's just a really weird feeling that, of course, also feeds into the narcissism/personality disorder OCD. That stopped for a while, but has come back since my OCD has gotten really bad. I guess it's due to the internal thoughts that are happening during my conversations (do you really like this person? Are you annoying them? Do you feel anything?), and so I can't really pay attention to them? Maybe this is dissociation? Idk.

I'm so tired. I feel like I don't know myself.

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