envy, narcissism and other stuff

i am trying to figure out what exact term or explanation one would give for how i would feel about something. i've always let the therapists / mental health professionals know that one of the strongest emotions i have is envy, however, as i go on and off researching the definition, something about the typical definition is not what i agree with or relate to.

for example, from most of the sources i've seen, it shows envy as wishing you had something from someone else, however, this doesn't seem to be exactly what i feel. i was hoping maybe there might be a better definition or more appropriate term for what i feel exactly.

for example, i've attributed myself as being a narcissist because i don't relate to most people ( personality disorder ) which i have a PD, specifically diagnosed with schizotypal PD and depression, however, unlike the definitions given for narcissism, i do not envy people because i see myself as above them in the literal sense, it is that i know i am inferior but have to see other more fortunate people with certain traits or qualitities live their lives and be the people that they are and be reasonably functional and happy where as i can't and that is where my envy comes,

however, it is not because i would want those traits from them, why would i want to be like them if i despise them and see them as scums? wouldn't that itself oppose envy if you aren't desiring to be like them and you see them as scums?

however, i've many times had to adjust what i say and my resentment towards the therapist(s) because mentioning how i truly feel, that i despise most people, is suggesting something really extreme, when in fact it really is, i do genuinely hate most people and have to exist in my inferior way in life, but i've had to minimize this due to safety reasons which in other words could make me blow up and become violent physically or verbally threaten people.

so this is why it's hard for me to come up with a one word definition, because for me, it's a series of processes and terms that would explain how i feel or what i feel, which is why i'd look down at all those shallow people i've met in mental health groups who'd say something to me very disrespectful, untrue, and shallow, but you would not argue with these idiots and scumbags because they are well...scumbags and idiots

also as a random hypothesis of my own, i feel like the whole covert and overt narcissism and grandiose / vulnerable narcissism needs better classification and understanding. how i see it is like this, covert and overt narcissism are not separate "types" of narcissism, nor are they qualitatively different conditions, but...., i will say that grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism are, and / or should be reclassified as such.

the problem is, the majority of resources of people describing their own experience / understanding of these becomes mostly about the subgrouping of grandiose narcissist individuals in the sense of going with what and why's of the DSM criteria / explanations, yet the majority of these people are signifying it in a way that makes it seem like it's supposed to be different when all they are doing is explaining the grandiose narcissist in a covert way, nothing of which qualitatively differentiates that person from that of the vulnerable narcissist which in many ways would / should be different, but majority of sources vaguely assign definitions to which then become defined in inaccurate ways.

grandiose narcissists according to research tend to be more functional / tend to do well at work / excel high in work areas and related, and overall have low emotional instability, yet people then try to put vulnerable narcissists in the same group when they are hugely different, in other words, there should be a different name for one of them, it should vulnerable PD or narcissistic PD.

it's the same way where there is high range of people / or sources trying to lump up SCT ( sluggish cognitive tempo ) with ADD in the sense that they believe ADHD without hyperactivity which would normally be called ADD IS SCT when it clearly isn't, and fail to understand that ADD is just another manifestation of ADHD but that the type of problems are clearly part of the same disorder, not to mention ADD was removed from the newer DSM as it was essentially ADHD under a different name so people who can't bother to pay a little more close attention to russell barkley's videos on clarification / and the past DSM system would fail to realize that ADD/ADHD are part of the same condition.

however, SCT like vulnerable narcissism probably will not get much attention because they are the more silent disorders, despite intrinsic sources that would otherwise put them as very common. I would even question russell barkley's analysis on SCT, because i feel like he tries to make SCT people look like they are compliant / inexpressive, non resentful people who do not ever make such sound judgements and all they need is a cookie and they'll feel better, he assumes that those with SCT benefit or do best / or at least SHOULD do best in CBT or social skills training when this is not true at all. espicially the case with saying "SHY" people do best in social skills training when there are sources that contradict this and show that certain types of shy people can actually be violent / aggressive, yet barkley classifies them as simple non resentful, non hateful, goodie too shoos.

im sorry russell barkley but although i do agree with a lot of your takes on SCT vs ADHD, i do not agree with some of your statements on SCT. yes, i do understand studies on SCT are difficult and / or have been difficult up to this date, however, i feel like you put "SCT" into a narrow definition.

also another thing to which i discussed with my therapist and see agreed with me 100 percent is the confusion with narcissism and the behavior we see today as it relates to envy and jealousy, however, because of the confusing differences, most of the behavior gets confused. what you are seeing in life is not more people becoming narcissistic, it is that more people are becoming jealous. when you see people competing after one another and the whole facebook thing, attention and what not, that's NOT envy at all, that's jealousy, all of it is influenced by jealousy and is not what narcissism is. and stop grouping people on a spectrum, it's ridiculous. it's stupid to say someone is a little narcissistic but doesn't suffer from NPD.

i personally oppose the whole spectrum thing of mental health conditions. what seperates a lot of the "mentally ill" from "norms" is that norms can do this whole fake thing and do stupid $#%^ and be fine and not feel guilty about it but people like me will become psychotic if they someone find themselves unintentionally doing things / functioning like other people "typical people", i wont even say norms in this exert.