this may be nothing, but feel suicidal sometimes?

Hello,

I'm new to the site, but think it's a great resource for people who need anonymous but informed feedback (like me). I'm not sure if there's anything wrong with me, but lately I've been experiencing a lot of short bursts of crazy rages, usually triggered when my parent (I'm an only child of a single mother) criticizes me (I'm now 20). During these rages, I always imagine cutting some part of myself or hurting my parent, I get really irrational, provoke and yell purposely hurtful things. I won't yell for too long, and end up just seething in anger quietly and wanting to kill myself. I think about taking pills and dying, or putting a knife to my skin. I've never cut myself, but have tried once, four years ago.

These burts last for maybe one hour, at the most, and I end up just crying, sleeping, or binge-eating. For the most part, I think I'm just a spoiled teenager (not anymore!) who needs to grow up, but the part that worries me is how this hasn't gone away in the last four-five years. My suicidal thoughts never last that long, but the past year, I've also experienced them more and more (from every week to once a month), and have also been triggered by feeling overwhelmed at school. This summer, I think I've gotten worse, because every week now I've burst out crying in public places, within maybe seconds of recalling an argument or overwhelming memories.

Now that I have typed all this out, it seems extremely ridiculous, but I want to put it out there because I'm now an adult and still can't seem to get myself together.

Thanks for any input =)

Hi there,

In your life outside of the home, is there anything bothering you: A break-up? A college-course you hate? If there is nothing particular, then I think that all of this rage is an infirect indicator that it is time to move out. When we grow-up, we increasingly want to do everything our own way, because we view that way as being the best way. So, it is understandable that you get angry when your parent criticises you.


If you don't want to move out, then things must change. Perhaps you should go to the local doctor and he/she may prescribe medication to you. This is what happened to me: At your age I shouted and cursed at my mother. However, after going to the doctor, I was given Lexapro - an anti-depressant - which 'calmed' me.


Kevin.

I`ve gone through something quite similar quidam. My mother is an alcoholic. She`s emotionally abusive (sometimes physically as well) etc. Can be pure evil. She makes me feel worthless. She keeps crushing my self-esteem and every idea I have about my future.

I´m 20 now. Some time ago she made me have these "bursts of crazy rages" as well. My dad and brothers were away so the only person she was able to abuse for months was me. She used to get drunk and just go mad! Shouting horrible things and throwing things at me. And that murderous gleam in her eyes...I was scared for my life. I was so afraid of her at one point that I thought I was going to pass out whenever she was near me (dramatic, I know ...and kind of hilarious, now..looking back ) I couldn`t attack her, that would have been quite a bloody battle and she´s had a lot more practice than me (I wasn`t going to take any chances). So when she was having her "psycho mum" moments I ran to my room, blinded by rage, and just started cutting away (ahem...a bit embarrasing)..howling like a mad person myself. Makes me cringe now...but it was the only way I could deal with it. (Binge eating was also- and actually still is- a source of comfort...and also a source of distress).

I had a complete nervous breakdown because of her a few years back...and yeah...I`m still a bit backwards...Depressed slightly since I was 14. Properly depressed since I was 18.

The best thing is what Chucky suggested. Getting away and/or seeing a doctor.
and maybe a therapist perhaps?

I got away (Uni) and things got better. University...was not for me. So I left. Back with mum. Hooray. Got a job- things got better again. Last day at job this Friday. Have to find another one quickly. Therapy has helped loads...but I can`t go anymore. Leaving uni for good means no health insurance and I don`t have enough money to afford therapy. And today...typical mum: "You don`t even need therapy!" Great...

I still imagine hurting her or myself though...When we go grocery shopping or smth I just imagine pushing her in front of a moving truck...or throwing myself in front of it...it rained today...wanted to jam the umbrella down her throat...

Mum should be sectioned...she has been in an asylum when she was younger. They called it "hysteria" back then..I don`t know...she has some deep psychological problems.
What great genes I`ve got...