Hopeless

I feel hopeless, when I google for help none of it resonates or seems pertinent

when I say hopeless its not because I dont think X or Y will happen, its because there is no X or Y.

I'm 35, and I suppose objectively from there outs I have a decent/good life, but Im just sick of it all, life has nothing to offer that I want.

very few things bring me any joy anymore, I've no dreams or ambitions. All the things I used to want either no longer interest me or outright disgust me.

Its the weekend now and im probably going to spend it all inside alone reading and watching youtube.

Is this it? this is my life now for the foreseeable? More and more I feel completed alienated and isolated from well everyone. when people are discussing things I just dont know what to say anymore because it all bores, angers or disgusts me.

I'm not asking for anyone to give me hope but I would really welcome suggestions as to how to carry on with this, Im a teacher and my class today was just garbage because I just didn't care, about the lesson, my job, the students anything. It all seemed so...grotesque?

I just want to know he best way to kill time until I die or this passes.
please

thank you

Hi Doesntmatter (fitting nickname xD),
Firstly, have you sought out professional help? Such acute apathy could be the result of a biological issue like a deficit in serotonin, and medication might be able to help. If you have not sought out this path I would urge you to consider it!

I will describe the philosophy I have arrived at after my own struggles with meaning and purpose. However, do keep in mind I do have a rather apathetic take on life, and do struggle with self harm and suicidal ideation on a regular basis, so TAKE ALL I SAID WITH A HEFTY AMOUNT OF SALT!

Assuming your issues stem from a purely philosophical point (a far more interesting point to argue if I may say ), I would point you to Nietzsche's arguments on the Übermensch, in Thus Spoke Zarathustra, which I will now try to summarise and give my take on.

Our experience of reality is necessarily grounded on a fundamental nihilism, as in, there is no deeper meaning or purpose that we can fundamentally grasp given our very limited set of ways with which to perceive the world and others. That, however, means not that we should give up on a meaning, and rather that we should define our own meaning. I would even argue that that which makes us truly human is this ability to update our own directives, and set our own path using this perceived free will we believe ourselves to possess.

As such, I would argue that, based on your disillusionment with reality, you must have a core set of values with which to evaluate your life and reality, and merely find going after them pointless as it rewards you with no pleasure. However, it is also known (and the very basis of cognitive behaviour therapy if you wish to research empirical evidence on this phenomenon) that our thoughts shape and even generate our feelings. As such, I would argue that you should strive to live life as you see it to be good and righteous, not because it feels good, but because doing so will condition you into seeing it as pleasurable; in essence, training yourself to align what you what with what you want to want.

Hope this tirade has been of some help, and best of luck!

EDIT: I just realized I did not address your main request on "best way to kill time until I die or this passes", but I myself have found that no temporary distraction truly manages to keep the thoughts at bay (the main reason I self harm, as an extreme display of distraction-seeking behaviour I believe), and the only thing that has made it bearable has been the change in thought patterns I have described. Hope this helps!

I hear ya. I feel like I'm just killing time, too.

If you can, try to focus on something small. It'll take work to shut down the thoughts telling you it doesn't matter. I jump around to different things and it kinda helps.
For awhile I was designing products on Zazzle. Most are duds, then I hit on one that continues to sell regularly and makes me $50/yr.
I'm undergoing periodontal surgery next week, so I decided to focus on oral health. I researched a bunch to kill time. I bought a fluoride-free toothpaste with tea tree oil, a gum stimulator, different types of floss. I don't know how to explain it. It just helps to focus on something trivial and shut down the bigger existential crap.
I also go down Pinterest or YouTube rabbit holes sometimes. On Pinterest, I have a board for dollhouses. I don't have a dollhouse and probably never will, but I am fascinated with miniatures, so I just look at them and pin away. I have another board of hamsters for some reason. On YouTube, I watch earwax removal videos. Can't explain it. You will love it or hate it. Dr Rhys Barber from Audiology Associates is the best.
If anyone were to ask about my hobbies, these are not things I would tell them! But whatever, they hold my attention for awhile.
I do enjoy talking to people sometimes. I started forcing myself to go to a coffee shop regularly. I read a book or do a crossword, play on my phone. It's a good way to get out without having to interact. If you decide you do want to interact, you can. Most people hanging out at a coffee shop are relaxed and friendly.
Also, if you haven't already, read "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff". It sounds counter-productive to someone who already doesn't care, but I found it actually altered my negative thinking over time.

Anyway, those are my thoughts and ideas, for what it's worth.