Major Depression from Regret over Sibling Relationship

Hey everyone,

So I've come across some posts on here as well as other sites about sexual experimenting between siblings and cousins. I wanted to share my own experience and what I’m about to write is the worst regret of my life and I’m starting to feel suicidal and depressed as a result. I'm 27 years old now so this happened 10 + years ago

I myself had my own embarrassing and shameful experience when I was a very young teen with my younger brother too (both males, approx. 5 yrs apart). As kids we would play with each other all the time like we were attached at the hip. Despite the fighting, we’d love each other’s company. Long story short we were wrestling or playing around one day and somehow I ended up starting this game where I dry humped/rubbed my body against his in somewhat of a sexual way, plus a little touching/groping. What worries me is that I was the one who initiated it. He did consent but was probably too young to understand what was going on. It only happened once or twice and then the urges went away and only after it happened is when I started to realize it was awkward. We're both straight and never been attracted to the same sex but for some reason this happened. The last time it happened he got a little bothered by it so that made me realize that I should stop. Ever since then I've been regretting it so much and feel really depressed about the situation. Over the years its been coming back slowly to haunt me more and more. Nothing but shame, regret and disgust. Sometimes suicidal thoughts come to me as well. I hate myself so much for it and for while I convinced myself that I was some sort of monster that sexually abused his brother. I’ve been a good person my whole life to everyone I know and I always treat people with the most empathy and sympathy. This once incident is the one thing where I wish I had done different.

I honestly don't know what prompted me to do this but at that age I probably wanted to know what being sexual/having sex felt like due to puberty and hormones, yet I was never sexually attracted to my brother. I wasn't even watching porn or masturbating at that age yet and I didn't even know what masturbating was (very socially underdeveloped and sheltered at that age). I'm guessing serious urges through puberty, experimentation, curiosity and lack of control of hormones. My brother and I were very close, and always around each other playing physically so that might have also led to doing it with him rather then anyone else. Now, I don't remember physically forcing him or threatening him in any way and there was no malicious intent behind it but I get these “what if” thoughts that I maybe might persuaded him in a playful way but even that is a very vague fuzzy memory which worries me. Looking back at it I wish I never did it but at the time I guess wasn’t able to fully understand the “rights” and “wrongs” of sexuality and the potential consequences.

Now I've heard this kind of stuff is somewhat common amongst siblings at a very young age but I'm a little concerned and worried because technically I was not a 'child' anymore. I could have technically been considered a young 'teenager' at the age (can't remember due to how long ago it was). I think I was maybe 14-15yrs of age. My therapist said that this stuff is somewhat common and that although I wasn't a child, mentally and cognitively I was still acting as a kid. Also, because my parents were extremely overprotective, sheltering and neglecting that that could have been another factor in my delayed development. I also rarely had friends and I was very attached to my brother which could have brought us closer to age in terms of development.

The regret is absolutely terrible and it feels like a completely different person that has done this when I was that age. I’ve never molested, sexually abused, harassed or touched any child or even had the thought of doing such things for that manner. Just thinking about it from other people sickens me

My questions are:

1) Is this considered abuse or experimentation ?

2) How do I cope with this depression and guilt in the best manner ?

3) Should I bring it up with my brother to apologize and to see if I can help him if he is negatively affected by it ? Or will that do more harm then good ?


Thanks in advance for any insight you guys might have. I appreciate it !

DaSilva1727 wrote:1) Is this considered abuse or experimentation ?

This is obviously just my opinion, but I'd say experimentation. Based on how you describe your interactions with your brother it doesn't seem like you knew what you were doing. Also you describe a childhood isolated from other potential friends and mostly had just your brother. (I basically had no real friends my age until I was 11 yrs so I get what that was like.) You don't fully develop to an age appropriate social level because of it.

DaSilva1727 wrote:2) How do I cope with this depression and guilt in the best manner ?

I don't think I can help you with this one. I am dx'ed with depression, but mine has permanent biological component to it that has to be controlled with meds. I have read other posts on this board from people who have had suicidal thoughts because of being part of a perceived inappropriate relationships. You wrote that you have talked to your therapist about this. I guess I'm surprised they weren't able to help you more. Are you still seeing this therapist? Were you prescribed any medication to help you with your suicidal thoughts?

DaSilva1727 wrote:3) Should I bring it up with my brother to apologize and to see if I can help him if he is negatively affected by it ? Or will that do more harm then good ?

I wouldn't say anything. You are digging up the past and you don't know how that may play out. Your brother may have completely forgotten about it or maybe he remembers it but isn't concerned about it. If he ever comes to you about it that a completely different situation, but until that happens you - and your brother - are likely better off if you deal with this on your own without involving him.

Hi Shattered Mind,

Thank you very much for your input and advice I do appreciate it.

Currently my therapist doesn't recommend any medication nor did she advise me to take any but then again I never asked as well. I'm a little iffy about it but maybe I'll look into it if it gets worse down the line. I still see her once a week or every two weeks and it does help a lot. Im beginning to depend on it but if changes the way I think and helps out then I'll keep going until things change.

I also agree with your last comment, and so many other people have as well. If he's forgotten about it then its best to leave it in the past and not drag up any unwanted feelings and risk re-colouring the event as a "traumatizing" experience. I don't think my brother would understand fully the concept of siblings doing this and he might get the "OMG I've been molested" thoughts.

The only thing I'm worried about is the memories being repressed in his mind and then the potential of the memories coming up later on in life where they begin to bother him and impact him negatively. But until then I need to find ways to deal with the feelings on my own and not be selfish to bring him into it

Duplicate topic, please direct replies to

remorse/topic208999.html

as a result this thread is locked, thanks