Losing all hope

I've never felt like I wanted to live, but I kept going forward holding onto a hope that things would get better at certain points in my life, but it never does so now I'm starting to feel like things will never get better. I'm starting to feel like the only thing I can hope for anymore is death.

I feel completely useless no matter what anyone else thinks. I've never had anyone tell me they dislike me or that I'm a burden, but I feel like a burden to anyone I come into contact with. Many people tell me that I'm smart, but I still always feel completely incompetent. At work everyone makes jokes about how I must be some kind of superhuman because of how much I do, but I still feel like I'm terrible at my job. I know it's irrational, but even knowing it's irrational it doesn't change how I feel. I actually often have the thought that maybe I really am as useless as I think I am and that everyone else around me is just mistaken or don't know me well enough to realize how useless I am.

I work at a retail store despite having two college degrees because after obtaining the degrees I felt like I would be too incompetent to work in the fields so I never pursued a job in the fields. It even took me awhile to actually get a job at the retail store after obtaining the degrees because I felt I would be too incompetent to even do that.

I can't remember the last time that I didn't wish that I had never existed and the only hope I feel I have left is for death to come as soon as possible and end my torture. I don't know what to do anymore, the only option I feel I have is to endure the torture until I die.

I was in treatment for depression and anxiety/panic disorder. I was inpatient for awhile when I mentioned hurting myself.
I did respond to therapy and medication and it took a lot of time, but I came out the other end of it. Several medications were tried over the course of my treatment. No instant gratification, just encouragement.
Some of the patients I went through the system with are gone. There are moments of white-knuckling it and there probably always will be.
Am I truly happy today? I don't know for sure. With the panic, deep depression and self-medicating gone, I feel more stable and can function day-to-day.
Am I where I want to be? Maybe not, but one has to start from here to get to there.
I 'graduated' from the hospital to outpatient, then to aftercare. I attend 12-step (EA/AA) meetings now when I need to. A home group with familiar faces is re-assuring that I'll make it, because I see and hear that they are making it also. Funny that sharing in a cup of coffee with people that I've never met before this has become a ritual in my life.
I suppose that fellowship and empathy is the miracle.
Best of luck to you.

Many hugs sent you at this time. Do you see a doctor. There are meds for chemical imbalance. Then I strongly recommend a good therapist. It took me a third try before I got a therapist I liked. Been seeing her for over 5 years. Depression can come and go. But both, meds and therapy have me on the upswing. Right now I feel low and I'm waiting it out to feel better soon. I know I will feel better, it's just a matter of time. You will feel better too, it's just a matter of time. I give you hope because if I made it, then you can too. I have faith in meds and therapy. Wishing you the best. How are you feeling right now?

Thanks for the encouragement. I was seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist a few years ago, but when they thought I might be losing my insurance we didn't schedule anymore appointments. The therapist was nice, but talking to her didn't really help at all. The psychiatrist prescribed sertraline, duloxetine and then wellbutrin in that order, but none of them seemed to really do anything.

I don't feel as bad as yesterday, but even on the days where I don't feel to bad I still can't help but think that dying is the only thing I have to look forward to. That being said despite constantly thinking of ways I could die, I am not suicidal because I know what a burden it would be to my family and the people who know me.