Depression, my life.

I’m not sure if this is the right place to put this out there but i thought i would just do it anyway just to get it off my mind.

I’m tired. i’m sad. i’m unhappy with where i am in life, and so i push everyone i love away i’ve gotten so good at it my family doesn’t even bother to call or text or come see me anymore. I think it’s better that way to be honest. Well my dad still texts and calls it kills me inside when he asks how i am doing and that he loves me. i love him so much and i just wish he would just stop calling me because it makes
it harder for me to push him away. i do love my family sometimes i think i love them more than they love me.

I really feel like my life is just pointless, a waste of time. i don’t deserve to be here i don’t deserve to be happy or to have any one love me. Some days i just want to be gone off this earth to never of exsisted.

I’ve seen my two older brother go on trips together with their girlfriends they have so much fun together and i’m never there with them they are always so happy together, it makes me think that they would be fine without me. i know they would be ive seen them they don’t need me. Whenever we are together with their girlfriends they never talk to me they always push me aside never ask for my thoughts or opinions i don’t understand why they continue to drag me along sometimes maybe because they feel bad for me because i have no friends. Most of the time though they do stuff without me i’m use to that though it hurts but i’ve accepted it.

My mother and i were never close we live in the same town and yet we never talk or see each other probably for the better. i always knew deep inside she never liked or cared for me the way she does for my two other brothers.

Most days i feel so so tired and i’m stuck in bed for days. I cry a lot by myself i don’t think anyone really understand what i’m going through. I’ve told my brothers i might have depression and yet still no calls or texts and i am okay with that i like to be alone i’ve been alone my whole life. i’ve never connected with anyone i’ve never fully opened up to anyone and i don’t think i ever will.

Most days i just pretend like i’m okay. especially at work i’ve gotten so good at it that i don’t even realize i’m doing it. i don’t know how much longer i can keep this up. i just feel so alone and sad and heavy like this weight is just hanging off of my body i don’t think it will ever go away and i don’t know if i can hold up for much longer.

i do think about ending my life i think about it almost every day yet i’m still here and i don’t know why.

Looks like I wrote this ....... completely the same for me and I can understand, not know of course, how you feel. I also fake it a work and really don't want family close. I sometimes think I should need friends, but never seem to connect so have given that thought up for good. Internally, I just don't care anymore and having a fatal "accident" would be just fine .... any time now. I already take antidepressants, which hardly make a dent. Yeah, I just don't know where my place is or would be in this world and, again, don't know if I care either. I really don't feel sorry for myself or deprived without human contact .... I really don't care at all .... hard to describe, but you described it really accurately in your post for sure.

I know the feeling friends. The "Fake it till you make it" sense. I have no friends because when someone does come around, they can't handle me for more than a week or so, then they leave and i never hear from them again. If i see them around, they purposely look for a way to avoid me. My family gave up on me sometime around year five of persistent depression. No calls, no emails, no texts. Even people who had been my lifelong friends that were closer to me than my own family left me after awhile. I really don't have that bad of a life. Great kids, decent home life and nothing really to be depressing. I'm just hating every moment of life every day. It is what it is though i guess.

I recommend nurturing your relationships. Perhaps you can catch up with old friends and make new ones! Looking back on your life, are there people you could maybe check in on and ask how they are doing? You may feel vulnerable, but gently pressuring yourself to reach out could reap many benefits. Maybe you’ll make a new friend! I think you need more people in your life, and a good support system. Loneliness can make you depressed. There are a lot of people out there looking for connection. Find them! I went through all my Facebook friends and wrote a list of the ones I’d like to check in on and ask how they are. I messaged hundreds of old friends and ended up catching up with a few dozen. Dating apps I have found is a great way to find new friends. People want to be there for you. Open up a little bit, if you can. Tell your story. I swear talking or messaging with someone about what you’re going through and how you feel can do wonders for your mood. You can do it! Reach out. Make connections. I’m here for you if you ever want to talk. Best of luck to you!