I really want to die

I feel like I'm such a massive failure. Seriously, I never experienced what a normal and average adult experiences. I never had a job, a degree, a car, independence. I still live with my family, and they trigger my depression, because I'm just so angry at them for how they abused me ever since I was small. They never were encouraging or nurturing. Quite the opposite, rather. I very rarely see my friends, because they're busy, live too far, and just don't invite me anywhere. And, of course, there are other things contributing to my depression, which I am not comfortable talking about.

My depression is so bad that I can't get a job and college overwhelms me so much. I've been depressed for a very long time, and been seeking treatment just as such. I was doing well for a while, but new things (or lack thereof) started happening, which made my depression come back. I've been trying so hard to get past this, by trying to go back to college, by making new friends, and so on, but it's all futile. It's just so hard to make friends, because of my social anxiety, my lack of communication, and just the overall feeling of people not liking me.

Maybe, after a decade of suffering, I'm still in emotional shock. The end of everything worth meaningful in life happened due to a very traumatic experience, which left me with nothing real, regarding companionship, esteem, strength, so on. I just have... nothing, other than a roof over my head. I have nothing an average adult has. I wish I did, but I've been fighting this for so long, that I just don't have the will-power or strength anymore, even though I'm not working hard enough. I kind of gave up hope, as well.

I'm afraid of happiness and independence, because every single effort and opportunity ended up with nothing. I'm terrified that it will all just be false hope, and I talk myself down into thinking of negative aspects that would happen, just like how my parents do when I tell them about my ambitions. I tried so hard to face my fears and anxiety, but all positivity was false hope in the end. I'm terrified of facing disappointment again.

I just want to die. I have nothing. One may think these are easily solvable, but they're not. I want to die because I'm such a failure

Gentle hugs, if wanted.

When there is life, there's always hope. We are all failures, on some level.

You are seeing someone for this? Are you taking anything for depression?

Yes to both. Have been for a real long time

I think while there's life, there is always hope, even if we don't feel as is there is. Certainly it is very easy for me to feel hopeless.

You allude to a singular event that destroyed a life worth living, care to elaborate?

It was really painful to read your situation. There are many people out there, about 5%, that are going through depression at a time, 20% of these are going through clinical depression, like you are and like I did once. I went through clinical depression, when I was 14 and felt like you do now. How long have you going been through this?

Well, the main reason behind my depression was obsessive compulsive disorder, and social anxiety. I grew up as a child always bullied by his classmates and insulted by his parents. I think I can relate to you a little bit. Thus I had severe social anxiety and hardly had any friends.

But the bigger problem and the main trigger behind my clinical depression was severe OCD. It was too strong for me to handle. Due to the never ending ocd and the suffering it bought and the way I felt I was getting worse day by day, I developed feelings of apathy towards life, like nothing mattered to me anymore, and feelings of hopelessness that it will never get better. We can call it depression, can't we.

Every single attempt that I made felt useless. It felt like I was like an animal trapped in a net, the more I struggle to free myself, the more stuck and entangled I get. I started feeling like I am loosing my mind and that I will end up mad. Due to this, I started getting more and more isolated. Bullying increased too because I was weaker and more easily irritated. It felt like everyone hated me and that my mere existence bothers every one. My grades started falling. I begin loosing my looks and charm, because I dropped alot of weight and got really thin.

I was in school back then, and it seems like you are in college. It is not too late to despair. You can go back to college, study and then get a job. Your parents were not nice to you, though they should have been, but it was not your fault, of course. You can still be happy though and live a good life.

You said you went through a traumatic experience. Can you tell what it was. You are totally anonymous here and no one will judge you badly.

At last, I want to tell you a secret. I am free of depression. I have left it in the past and thanks to God, I am really very happy now. Like you, I failed a lot of times, but I kept trying until the day I finally made it. That day, my depression stopped getting worse and I started getting batter. Day after day I felt happier and easier with myself and the world.

I remember how it felt back then. I was less afraid of real things and sweated over small things that haunted me back then. I didn't trusted those who said that I could get better. Inspiring words didn't inspire me anymore. I felt so down and felt like I didn't have the energy to put myself back in order. But it all got correct. I swear I am not lying or giving you false hope. The habit that saved me was never to give up. I did feel very hopeless, but I kept going and trying to get better. But you couldn't try to forcefully make yourself happy. You couldn't force yourself to believe everything is fine, when you know or think that it's not. You couldn't force yourself to relax, nor could you lie to yourself. The way to pull yourself out of clinical depression is not to eat a magic pill or to instantly jump out of depression. If depression is like a wound, it will take time to heal. I kept trying and trying, and those tries were to discipline my life, to sleep at time, to eat healthy, to exercise and to avoid toxic people and those things that gave me stress. I tried remembering the good times, counting my blessing not my flaws, looking at good side of people and things, abiding by good character, socializing in my own family and very close friends whom I trusted and who never judged me(my brother and a cousin) and maintaing a stable mood and a hope that things will be good again one day. And I did begin feeling happy and hopeful because deep in my heart(mind) I knew that there is a way out of depression. That's why cognitive behavioural therapy is so effective, but it takes time. And yeah I got out of depression without consulting a psychiatrist, but instead, I started taking interest and studying psychology articles online about depression, social anxiety and OCD and it helped me immensely. Once you have awareness and knowledge of how to solve this depression problem, you are in control of yourself then and you will be well soon. You are depressed for a reason, a real reason relating to life problems, and if it could be fixed you would be fine once again. And you could fix it. You could develop social skills, go back to college, complete your studies, and get a job and become independent. (being really happy between people is difficult when you are depressed but you could learn and act on some basic and superficial social skills to help you in social skills, I did the same when I was depressed.)
But of course doing this all needs activation energy which you hardly have because you are depressed. Well I managed to get A*s in my subjects in school even when I was depressed. I did this with the help of the psychological knowledge and advice that I got on internet. So if I can you can too! Your depression is not only because of this, you are depressed because of a traumatic experience also. Please let us know what it is so we could offer you some help.

Now, I am about to enter college. I must admit that I am not very social even now, but I do have friends now and I can feel easy in social situations. OCD had ended. I am healthy now and very happy with my life. You would be too one day, but for now you need healing so take it slowly. Within few months, severe depression could end and you will be going through mild depression, and then that's when things get easy and you know life will be totally back normal within 'y' days, where y is a small number.

Severe depression is such a terrible feeling that even death sounds better. Remember that it is only temporary and to try to enjoy the little things in life: coffee, food, sleeping, exercise, sunshine, music, etc. As you made clear it's not just a chemical imbalance but our life situation. If you can't change your situation, do your best to cope with it for now.