Incredibly Sad. Incredibly Bitter. Interminably Long

This will be a tremendously long post. This is the only way I can convey my problems to someone. I still have this flicker of optimism that maybe there's a voracious reader out there that can help me, however lengthy the post. I feel like I've written so many of these types of posts in the past, on forums. But here I am, again, having yet another existential crisis. I have nothing to lose so I'm just going to put it ALL out there. That's the only way I can tackle my mounds of problem; this may be pages and pages --you can even think of it is a book if you want, but it's no ordinary book in that I'm pleading for help and need to sort out these problems in my life that are torturing me to no end. I'm not going to compromise on my writing and truncate anything, because all of its necessary to know the greater picture. Sadly, people need things broken down concisely. But I'm not going to do it. All of this information needs to get out so that I can arrive closer to solutions. I will hold back nothing.

I can already envision the silence or lack of replies to my post. I expect it, secretly hoping that I'm wrong, but then it actually occurs and I'm all the sadder. Sometimes people surprise me though. No, what am I saying? People surprise me a great deal actually. But I've had many posts that were just treated with silence...just ######6 silence, on forums that have members that supposedly deal in compassionate support. The lack of care even on these so-called sanctuaries just makes me even more bitter and cynical. It should not shock anyone that the mentally ill so rarely receive the support they actually need when in a pinch. This needs to goddamn change. We need to start cracking the whip and train people in this field to be even more sensitive, because I've felt truly marginalized some of the time even among Psychology boards. I've encountered people who have been hostile on these boards I mention. So sometimes it's like...where the hell do you go for support? Even my therapist leaves me high and dry with her lack of compassion in instances. She stated to me she can't even really be a compassionate facilitator.

This is not a blog bost. None of this would be reserved for a blog, because I'm wanting to interface with a poster. I fear that someone will not read it because of the length, and I'm often right about this. But ###$ 'em. I have nothing to lose here. I've seen people read far, far more long-winded stuff, and I certainly have. So bear with me here...PLEASE. I try to include every bit of relevant information so that I do not misrepresent myself. I can preemptively describe as much as I possibly can but someone will STILL overlook stuff I've made clear. People will only selectively skim parts of your post, and I despise having to restate things so much. Or, for example, I can do everything within my power to avoid a criticism with as much preemptive self-awareness as possible and still get called out on it. People only read $#%^ that a charismatic presence feeds them.

Let me make it clear that I love myself A LOT. But I am experiencing so much suffering that I sincerely do want to end my life. I know with great certainty that there's no after-life, and I want to end this suffering and expire to nothingness. But I'm not going to. I'm going to push through this, but I am so, so desperately sad. My life problems may even pale in comparison to others' issues, but my depression has become so bad--or maybe it is not even imbalanced neurochemistry affecting me, and the reality truly is as bad it seems right now (I sincerely hope that I'm viewing things irrationally, but I just can't see that being the case because it's far, far too frequent)--that I am becoming crippled by it. I used to have so, so much joy..immense joy, and now I am at the lowest point ever at my age of 30. I thought that about each previous year, but this year takes the cake.

Typing all of this. Airing out my problems. This is what's cathartic--but I'm looking for solutions too. I'm looking for someone to talk to on a deep and meaningful level other than my therapist (who I may leave soon) that can help me feel at ease with the world. That can pull me out of this hell. It's ######6 crazy. I'm 30 years old and I'm having the kind of angst-filled crisis a teen might experience. As much immense pleasure as I've experienced, pain has been so recurring in my life. Perhaps my pain doesn't trump the truly aggrieved, but I guess I might just have less tolerance for pain. I don't want to go through life suffering. Everywhere I'm surrounded by assholes, and I cannot find good in anyone. I'm confined to my thoughts, which are mostly melancholic in nature, lately. There's nowhere to turn to, because I KNOW the people around me don't give a $#%^. I'm in hell.

I always felt like I was building up to, undergoing a transformation that would allow me to transcend my neuroses. Not that I felt I would be cured of my depression or anything, but I had the notion that much of this pain was a cocoon that I would emerge from stronger and with more insight than before. Course, life doesn't quite work that way. What doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger necessarily. But I know that trauma, if it's not incredibly abundant, could actually transform you. I was hoping that the sheer terror, dread, sadness that I felt was going to make me come out better in the long run. Fortunately I have not encountered mental illness so severe that it's caused me to do extreme actions. My depression/anxiety/etc. was all manageable. But now it's out of control and I don't know where to turn to. My therapist is disappointing me (this is probably my 7th or 8th therapist), so I still have this perhaps absurd and fanciful notion that there's still a person out there somewhere that can help me. Someone with that right blend of my idealized compassion..and intelligence. Psychology forums might be one of the last vestiges of hope I have, because I know there are people out there who've experienced pain just as much or worse with their mental illness. But sadly some of these forums, with their mixed, inexperienced opinions can also provide cognitive dissonance too.

I barely connect with people. I don't experience love or kindness. Or if I do on occasion experience what I feel to be true kindness with no ulterior motive attached to it, it's so fleeting, and such a rarity that it hardly matters. People often talk about how they were bullied. I was never what you would call bullied, but I find, because of my worldview, that people are irredeemably evil. I'm able to see nuance. Yes, I see that there's not ALL bad in people and that good arises out of people from societal rules and whatnot. But the majority of what I see is greedy, greedy, selfish people. And I feel like I'm enduring a kind of abuse each day with people. As amoral as I've had to become, I'm apparently still not sufficiently amoral enough sometimes.

It's been deemed that I have Paranoid Personality Disorder: I still question the diagnosis. So it's plausible that I'm selectively seeing the worst in people, but I still don't think so. My bitterness always seems adequate, if not underestimated. I really, really deplore people. But there is this part of me that is deeply humanistic, but because people so often leave me angry at them, this deeply humane streak lessens in me.

The criticisms that I've either had lodged at me or criticisms that I've merely acquired by bearing witness to them in thousands and thousands of venom-laced comment sections on websites, have left me traumatized in a sense. I endlessly loop through loud criticisms in my mind that leave me with a feeling of anhedonia because I can never fully live up to my perceived idea of perfection based on all the critiquing. I am so perfectionist to the point where I barely finish creative works etc. I mean I really have encountered the worst of the worst. For a while I was able to cope with the massive amount of hateful views and deal with it incredibly well. But my hypersensitivity has come full circle. Because I want to find so much good in the world after having been suffocated under such smothering negativity, I get put off and scared by all the vast hate and judgment I see everywhere. And of course this just makes me more and more ######6 bitter. Still though, I feel the allure of the humane. There's still a very faintly flickering flame of good left in me. But the problem is I want to see others share in it. I'm crestfallen when I thought what was an otherwise morally pure person resorts to judgment and the like. I mean I've come to accept it, grudgingly. But I feel like I have to out-selfish the selfish. I get scared knowing that even the people I looked up to as altruists display negativity.

God I really ######6 hate restating so many things I've said so often. Man, I really hope there's a good listener out there. The #######5 part is that as much work as I put into this post, there probably will be very little reciprocation. Someone, despite my very emphatic wishes, will inevitably post something glib and minimalistic.

All of this has to be stream-of-consciousness. Because I need to exorcise all my demons on here and I cannot be sure which information feels relevant. All of this feels relevant. I'm told I have OCD, and this may be reflective of that. I've taken some medication for OCD and was insufficiently treated.

I have depression and anxiety. I've been through so many different medications for my depression, with not terribly good results. Some would do a little bit for me here and there. But the meds have never gotten me to the point where I need to be. The meds I am taking right now certainly don't help.

All of these self-help sites and books and all of that $#%^ really don't help address the complexity of my issues. I can't relate with too much anymore, and therefore I'm just left alienated without proper solutions to remedying my depression/OCD/whatever.

It's the depression that's the worst in all of this. The anxiety I think is manageable--or at least the fearful part of anxiety. The stressful kind of anxiety that overwhelms my thoughts is more severe however. It may be the interplay of anxiety + OCD.

I can hear the criticisms loudly in my head. I can feel people picking apart this post in so many ways. They overwhelm me. I want to lash out in hatred and defiance. I get tired of every opinion that I read anymore that contains some negativity.

My thoughts are starting to get disorganized. I feel the need to discuss so many different things, so I don't leave them all out. I'm worrying about things like grammar in the process. And if I'm being original enough. Stuff like that. And my thoughts are pulling me into a thousand different directions. I get overwhelmed by the chaos of my own mind, and because I'm an atheist I see so much chaos in the world naturally.

There's nowhere to safely air out my opinions so I retreat into this shell and drown in my own thoughts without ever telling anyone. I will open up to my mother when I truly can take it no longer, but her emotional support is limited.

I'm living in hell. I'm desperate. This is really me crying out here. Sad, confused--surreal. And my problems are perhaps not nearly as bad as others, but I've endured so much pessimism that it puts me on their level. I don't know what I'd do if my responsibilities were even greater: I don't have as many responsibilities since my mother helps a bit. I truly want to help more, but I'm just crushed with depression. And I can't even remotely bear 'boot-strapping' type so-called pragmatic advice. Sorry I am starting to lose my train of thought here. I'm so overwhelmed here. And I feel so much shame. And it's making me hateful. I feel the need to keep posting longer and longer, I'm getting angry thinking about other people getting angry over the length of the post. I've seen people post equally long things ---eh, I don't want this to be the focal point of all of this. There's so much I need to tackle.

I don't know what to do. I need a guide. But I so rarely trust information. I am skeptical of everything. This complicates things further. Or, you know, the information isn't adequate enough. Nothing speaks to me anymore. Every blue moon I'll stumble upon some piece of writing that so eloquently sums up all my thoughts and fears and addresses them in a nurturing way. But it's so rare and it's only a temporary reprieve.

What to do...where to start....I have more thoughts and problems that need expression that I can barely contain them all.

I came back to this writing. This is my 2nd day of writing it, and I've had an almost epiphanic sense of apathy. I know longer care enough about people at all. I don't care if I'm mean to people. I don't give a $#%^ what I do. Because I can kill myself at any point. It gives me the courage I need to be as brutal as I need to be in my honesty. So this is me as a phoenix right now rising from the ashes. I don't care what I have to do to ensure my survival, be it bullying or criminal acts. Life's been brutal and I deserve to pay it back if I have to. But during this epiphany-like thinking process fueled by a painkiller I started feeling like yes, I really can rebound from my troubles and come out much better than before. Of course, there's still skepticism, but I'm suddenly starting to be confident that I come out of this. Part of it can be accredited to my relentless narcissism I think; I would never admit this before, but I am so tired of being humble when I see so many other pricks not be humble....humility and self-deprecation is disappearing, and that sucks. I love myself so much that I deserve only the best for myself. The problem is, almost everyone else I encounter is equally as narcissistic (or at least a great many) and that poses a threat to me.

Yet I still remain hopeful that maybe there is help out there somewhere. Either way, that's a challenge to find. And while it's so challenging and I'm waiting, I'm not worrying about people in the process. I don't care who I offend or piss off, but I'm approaching it all with the subtlety of a sociopath. It occurred to me I need to probably rid myself of this @@@@@@@ of a therapist and find a therapist that practices humanistic therapy.

There's more I need to say. Oh so much more. But as I say I'm ruminating on the depressive too much. I'm distracted by the deep sadness of having to be a a dog in this dog-eat-dog world. Part of me still wants to convince myself there is still someone humane out there. But it's not necessary now. I believe I am sufficiently detached enough from people that I can out-selfish the selfish if I must.

But oh yes, my requests remain the same. I still need help. I'm just going to put this out there and hope for the best.

Here's the biggest hindrance though. I'll break it down as best I can: 1) I require answers and information. 2) I am fearful of asking questions (at least outside of a therapist's office) now due to the extent I've been mocked for questions. So, (3) I can't receive the information that I need because of the fear of asking questions and the limitations that internet search engines provide. (4) I am so skeptical of information due to the extent of biases, falsehoods, and other information that poses as truth. And it's hard to determine a way of validating this information; all this further complicates things---in addition to the bitterness that I receive from asking these questions. Needless to say, yes, sometimes intuition can guide me. (5) My problems are so abstruse and complicated that I have an abundance of questions. (6) My lack of ability to articulate things makes it harder to ask these questions. (7) It's hard to determine where I should be asking these questions, as there's a dearth of professionals in matters related to Psychology on forums like this. (8) As stated, the stuff I talk about is multi-tiered with many different angles, and thus I have to type about a lot. Can't just be concise--only occasionally can I be this way. So, indeed, others will malign you for a lack of knowledge, but they are practically never nice in sharing this knowledge. So it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario.

I still can't believe I've reached the depths of the despair that I am currently in. Just imagine being in a world full of strangers where everyone is a potential enemy. Even so-called friends. Thus, I have to be completely self-contained and autonomous. As much as I've confided in people (and I've confided more regularly than a lot of sufferers of mental illness that I know), it still brings no relief. Because they still neither care enough to ask or lack the answers to console or are still repelled by the stigma. As helpful as my mom CAN be in things, it's amazing how inadequate she is at consoling. I've asked her countless times to help me in this regard. I detest copping to the cliche of complaining about one's parents, and I don't want to even provide potential fodder for someone on here who gets off hearing other's misfortunes. Anyway, I'm over all of this.

Earlier today before the transcendence my thoughts were eating each other. I was completely paralyzed with depression. It was on a constant loop in my head. And I could conceive of no positive outcome. NONE. Because of the vultures everywhere, and because of the inability to share it with anyone. I've never felt mental pain so furiously and powerful before. It was during this moment I could see myself comitting a murder. Due to the depression-fueled rage that started infesting me. When I say I could think of no positive outcome, I mean I couldn't even imagine my therapist giving me a modicum of support. I felt like passing out the drowning was so bad. Having to be on an island of my own, HAVING to shield my weakness meant that I've had to be almost entirely reliant on my internal dialogue. And being ever-aware of the newfound realizations that even the gentle types I had so idealized in my mind as being compassionate would be just as apathetic---it added to this depression. As I say, I'm having to be completely reliant on myself. And my self is infested with conflict. So to reiterate, life. Is. A. Nightmare. But a nightmare that's made me be almost gleefully sociopathic in.

Thanks for listening.

Yep, this is what I was afraid of.

give it a while longer.. i've not had a chance to reply as yet, but have read and others may be the same.

in the depression forum, it's mostly those with severe depression that read through, and as we all know, it can be incredibly difficult to form a reply to someone else when you're feeling so awful x

n the depression forum, it's mostly those with severe depression that read through, and as we all know, it can be incredibly difficult to form a reply to someone else when you're feeling so awful x

You're right. Should have thought of that. Thanks for the response seabreeze.

And since we're all peers, our answers may not be as sophisticated as you might wish, unfortunately. We can only speak from our own experiences- sooner or later, and sometimes it takes a really long time, eventually it usually seems to turn out, someone will read this and understand on a meaningful level. But it might take a while.

OblivionIsAtHand wrote:It's hard to determine where I should be asking these questions, as there's a dearth of professionals in matters related to Psychology on forums like this.

Not just, 'a dearth'. Specifically prohibited from speaking as such, here. The only professionals here, are going to be the ones that follow that rule and can't respond with professional opinions. The ones that don't (or more usually, won't) understand that, get banned. That's ultimately for the posters' protections- we can't let unknown people, with unknown credentials, take the place of someone who has been one-on-one, in person, with us.

I know I am very sensitive when I "let it all out" and no one responds. Believe it or not, I actually understand your suffering in my own way. How? I spent many, many, years being depressed and I kept on. I got hospitalized 3 times in order to be safe. It got really bad.

It's hard for me to know what to say all the time. I want so much for you to feel better. That's one start. I understand your suffering in some of the ways you explain. Not all the same, of course. Every person's suffering is unique and equally important. That's my own conclusion to suffering. I could suffer just a tiny bit, and it's still suffering, nonetheless.

Clinical Depression forum is a quiet forum, I have noticed that. I hope you receive more replies. It's nice when others sincerely take an interest in you and show kindness that is felt by you. For now, I don't know what else to share, other than that I do comprehend deep depression and your post resonates with my past Major Depressive episodes. Sending hugs, if wanted.

How are you feeling these days?

There's nowhere to ######6 go. Nowhere to turn to. My 8th therapist is a piece of $#%^ who has betrayed me; she told me to be more like a sociopath. I'm just left more bitter. More jaded. The only outcomes I conceive of involve violence. I very desperately want to hurt people. I'm not saying I will, but I have zero empathy for people.

There's nobody that will respond and understand the problems herein. Or let me phrase it another way so I don't make it a reality: I don't THINK there's anyone out there who will respond. I certainly hope there is. I need help fast, and urgently. Not any of this #######4 free therapy that's probably subpar.

I'm getting more and more hopeless. I think for many depressed it just reaches a point where they're clearly not cared for. We can lie about it and say that it was all in their head, but some people are listened to more than others.

It's also a horrible feeling when you were incredibly doted on by your mother throughout your life, but she has become an emotionally neglectful human being. I'm just staggered. Shocked. I can't believe it's come to this; I hate women so, so badly. But enough about that.

What I'm saying is, I need someone to respond to the complexity of my problems. This is a bit of a warning. I will do whatever it takes to ensure my survival.

I am so pissed about my therapist. It's a tremendous anger. What inkling of kindness I had left for humanity she has weaned out of me. She is an attractive, intelligent woman which made me all the more trusting of her.

I'm just shocked with more and more reality and there's little I shield myself from.

I'm growing angrier and I'm becoming less controlled. I need someone to respond. But I'm surrounded by jackals. There's nobody to trust. My window is closing for trustworthiness, so hopefully it is quick.

It's hard for me to know what to say all the time. I want so much for you to feel better. That's one start. I understand your suffering in some of the ways you explain. Not all the same, of course. Every person's suffering is unique and equally important. That's my own conclusion to suffering. I could suffer just a tiny bit, and it's still suffering, nonetheless.

I appreciate and thank you for your understanding.

And apologies to all above, if anyone is offended. I say things I don't mean when I get desperate, and I am indeed growing more desperate. This is a nightmare I can't wake up from.

I appreciate and thank you for your understanding.

And apologies to all above, if anyone is offended. I say things I don't mean when I get desperate, and I am indeed growing more desperate. This is a nightmare I can't wake up from.

You're welcome.

I hope things improve for you. It feels so terrible to become desperate. I'm also sorry to hear about you not having any luck on getting a good therapist. I hope you don't get too much discouraged that you quit trying to find a good one. It's to take care of yourself, to have someone to help you get you out of this sort of "prison" as I will call it. I apologize if I said the wrong thing. I don't intend to say the wrong thing purposely. That's just what I choose to compare it to.

I hope things improve for you. It feels so terrible to become desperate. I'm also sorry to hear about you not having any luck on getting a good therapist. I hope you don't get too much discouraged that you quit trying to find a good one. It's to take care of yourself, to have someone to help you get you out of this sort of "prison" as I will call it. I apologize if I said the wrong thing. I don't intend to say the wrong thing purposely. That's just what I choose to compare it to.

Thanks, but I am not doing well.

Suicide is so palpable I can almost feel it. I really don't want to, and I'm not sure how I got to this point. It's not a threat; merely a fact. I just want to encounter that rare blend of compassionate and intelligent person out there that I remember in the past in these forums. They're disappearing. I appreciate all the responses.

But nothing quite quells the sadness lately. I can't communicate without communicating the complexity of the issue. Every response is a disappointment in my mind.

I'm numb. I have no idea what to do. I want out of this. Why are people allowing me to suffer? Because few care. People are to be reviled (most are--I can appreciate the few that decide to help).

Nobody addresses the things I have laid out in my post. It should be so easy. I respond to peoples' post in their entirety when they need help on other forums. But now I feel that I can't because my own problems are so overbearing.

I don't want to provide fodder for peoples' schadenfreude. Thankfully I live a secretive life. I really want to mitigate this depression though. It's getting out of control. I'm getting so ######6 angry too. I'm becoming sociopathic-like in nature, because I feel I must.