Constant doubt

It's starting to get a little bit over my head.

On one hand, yeah, I rarely genuinely enjoy anything, I'm irritable sometimes, I don't feel anything towards most of the people (and I feel anxious around my own family), I can't accept any compliments, my concentration and memory are broken and I can't think clearly, I have no motivation, it's hard to function, I've lost a lot of weight (unintentionally, I never cared about it too much), I am uneasy at my very core as if I were to throw up, and generally I feel like in an invisible prison.
Sometimes I even have to take a few steps back, when waiting for train or crossing the road, because something in my mind thought "jump" and I got terrified for a second and didn't trust my brain. And I can't talk about it in front of anyone but my therapists. When someone says depression or panic attack in my native language, for me it's like he said "Voldemort".

Overall, I just feel almost nothing. It's pretty difficult to pinpoint, how I am.

I also get into a whole lot of weird and sometimes pretty terrible hard-to-explain states, but they usually last only few hours and in the end I actually like thinking about them, because they are interesting and I'm a really curious person. At least I used to be.

But there are times when I feel pretty okay. And I am able to live almost normally. It basically doesn't feel bad enough. Pretty often, when it gets better, I feel like a pretender, that I want to have mental disorder (no idea why), that it's an excuse for my flaws. And it spirals into something along the lines of "you enjoy being depressed, you aren't able to appreciate happiness, you don't really want to get better, deep down you are a broken failed person and there is no hope for you". It's amplified by the fact, that when I started to experience psychological problems, I used to be kind of dramatic. Now I'm not, luckily.
But pretty often I really am unsure, whether I want to make it better or not, even though it just doesn't make any sense. Partly it's because I often lose the ability to imagine it will get better, but I'm worried that these thoughts might in fact be true.

Does anybody have any tips on how to cope with this? Explanation, similar experience, anything would help and I'd really appreciate it : )

I’ve been clinically depressed and I had feelings of doubt, a lot. I was very indecisive, too.

It went away when my treatment for my depression kicked in. Meds and therapy.

Take care

You gave me a lot of hope here saying that it will go away. I was worried that this might linger with me for the rest of my life and cause me to feel guilty about every single positive change. Thank you.