Not sure what to do about long-term depressive symptoms

Hello,

So it seems like I've been dealing with both depression and anxiety since at least 5yo. I can remember being 5 and wishing I would be buried alive where I would be alone and away from everybody forever. By the time I was 6 I started fantasizing about being killed, and later about killing myself. Very sad and lonely for much of childhood. Some of it confusing and seeming like it was someone else.

20 years later, I'm sick of thinking about killing myself everyday. About feeling like everything is pointless. Being sad about everything. Never getting important stuff done. Constantly thinking about death and depressing stuff.

I just want to know what the ###$ is wrong with me and how I can be better than this.

My own opinion is that with the help of the right medication and therapy, you can get better.

Hi there, sorry to hear you are going through so much. It must have been really hard trying to carry all these on your own. I’m glad you took the courage to take the first step to share what you have been going through. What might have trigger those anxiety when you were a child? And fast forward to now, have you ever thought about talking to a counsellor?? Personally, talking and writing are a form of therapy as well. Give it a try. Keeping you in my prayer! God bless!

I went through depression and anxiety about 30 years ago. The same med treated both. It was like the depression was the flip-side of the anxiety. The anxiety could easily bloom into panic.
I had to give up alcohol.
Certainly it is good to start with a physical check-up to rule out any chem imbalances. Then have your physician refer you on to a counselor or therapist, if necessary. There is a way out of this.
Best of luck to you.