I don't know.. help

Hi, I'm just gonna put this thread in the depression forum even though I wasn't diagnosed yet..
I'm just gonna get to the point.

I have a history with depression and stuff. I've been put on medication a few times over the years though it never helped in the long term. I think my old shrink didn't really know what she was doing.. Lastly I was put on Sertraline which I was taking for about a year but it was making me numb and emotionless so one days about two months ago I decided to quit it. I know it's not smart but I just didn't care.

Now for the past month or so I've started noticing some changes in my mood. I still feel numb, tired and unmotivated most of the time. But sometimes I feel little sparks of inspiration (it even made me do a few sketches, which was my main hobby my whole life - art that is).

Also, every once in a while I have a few days when I just feel utterly depressed. Like last week. I'm currently attending college but last week I was feeling so emotionally bad I had to come home and stay home for a whole week.
See I'm an introvert and I can't stand being around people for too long because it's so draining. When I socialise I'm essentially just acting and it takes a lot of energy from me (that's probably why I don't have any friends). At college though, I have to be around people ALL DAY and last week I actually had a little breakdown because of it. I was crying and had to come home.

It wasn't great at home either. Especially when I realized that I missed my first appointment with a new shrink and now I'm gonna have to wait another month for a new one. And so I had a second breakdown which was bad. I scratched my temples bloody and cut myself a little which I haven't done in years. That was I think three days ago and I've been feeling awful since.

Today I have to go back to college but I just... can't. I can't do that haha. I don't have enough energy to make it throughout the week and I don't know what I'll do. I thought I was gonna go see a new shrink this week and he'll help me but now... I just don't know what to do. I can't stand being with people all day, I'm afraid I'll cry in public and that they'll see my scratched temples.
I just wanna peacefully rot away at home haha.

I don't think I'm bad enough to make an 'urgent' psychiatric appointment but, well, I'm bad. I feel like crying all the time, I'm irritable, I'm exhausted, I can't remember what I did an hour ago and my head is full of ****. I don't know what to do.

I don't even know what I want from people reading this but anyway, thank you for reading.

Bye

It sounds like you are miserable or at least very unhappy. Have you ever gone to therapy one on one? I highly recommend that.

Having friends is a blessing. i'm an introvert and always struggled to make friends. in my first year of high school i had no friends and i felt lonely. in the second year i made one friend and then i enjoyed going to high school.

in college until i made a friend, life was lonely and going to college was drudgery. i felt out of place. this happened at work place too.

i felt like there was something wrong with me. everyone had groups of friends while i was alone. i tried to fit but failed miserably. i felt guilty for not making friends.

sorry you're struggling in college. it can be frustrating and draining. i hope you make one friend in college. honestly everyone else in college is also struggling like you are. many people just pretend to be happy.

can you talk with some old friends? like in school or in neighborhood. getting back to old friends is always helpful.