What is a reason for living or keeping on going in life? *TW

Hi I'm 20. Diagnosis is other specified depressive mood disorder after a depressive episode lasting about 2 months, a suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization. On lexapro 20mg.
My therapist says I'm on the verge of turning my life around and becoming my self but I just don't know about living. They throw platitudes at you like you're still young and you're intelligent and self aware and things will get better, and in theory things will get better but that's entirely conceptual and intangible. Reality is what you live day to day and I live day to day as a social outcast, people talk to me and treat me nice but they tell me I'm weird and socially retarded all the time. I get no attention from girls. I ###$ a hooker two days ago and it was the first time i had sex in 2 years since I developed schizophrenia. My day to day is isolation and depression or emotional flatness. I don't have friends. I'm 20 and have never actually had a girlfriend. I think that it really would be for the best if I got a gun off armslist and just shot myself, it would devastate my older brother because our parents are dead and im legitimately the only family he has left but I'll be dead and permanently unconscious so I don't feel empathetic heartbreak for him when he walks in on my lifeless discolored body *mod edit*. Life is meaningless outside of subjective meaning and my life is too devoid of anything to find a subjective meaning in. I don't see why I should continue to live.

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. Please give medication a try and look at life a moment at a time, if you have to. Just take it slow and I hope so much for you to get out of this depression that you are in. I believe you when you ask what is a reason for living or keeping on going, that is a question sometimes some of us ask ourselves. My answer is to feel better. To feel a desire to smile. To just sit and feel so good inside that you don't want to do anything but to enjoy the moment. If you haven't already sought out professional help, please do so. Sending hugs, if wanted.