Depressed for 20 years, cannot eat, sleep, get out of bed

I feel like nothing can fix my life. The past year has been devastating, and this past weekend, I attempted suicide but failed. At this point I cannot eat at all, get out of bed or do anything despite normally being a very clean, workaholic.

I spent almost all day crying since Wednesday, and I scheduled all social media accounts for deletion and blocked the numbers of the few people that I talk to because I am ashamed. I take Fluoxetine for depression, but it has not been helping for months. Some of the triggers of my downward spiral are:

- I lost several friendships due to a mistake made without any malicious intent. Strangely, it happened in another country and had nothing to do with anyone I know in my area, but we became involved in several arguments and I ended several ties due to this drama. Even now, mutual friends are cutting ties with me for no reason, when I have been very good to them all.


- Was hospitalized in mid December for a ruptured ovary, and it was removed. Never had surgery before, and I still feel the trauma from surgery.

- Was told that a slow growing cancer was found, but because of my other medical bills, it is hard to seek treatment.

- Severe stress and panic over medical bills. *mod edit*

- This is a big one: I was romantically involved with a man who is 9 years younger than I am (I am 33, but I look much younger) *mod edit*, and several days ago he told me that he lied about caring for me over the last year, and was only trying to take my virginity. I do not believe in premarital sex, but I truly want children, and I liked this guy enough to consider losing it to him. Even though we had no expectations because it was long distance, he insisted we kiss, cuddle and "date" when we saw each other every couple months, so I started to fall in love with him. Then he started seeing another girl last week when he had acted flirty towards me a week prior, so I confronted him and he played off our "relationship" as if we were only acquaintances; despite that until November, we talled regularly. Not sure if he was being extra hurtful because I unfriended him on FB and Twitter, but we talked afterwards and he was a little nicer about it. Regardless, this destroyed my self-esteem and I feel like I am too old and ugly to ever attract a younger man ever again, despite how beautiful people always say I am.

- Lastly, I have been having issues at my job for the past few weeks, and it took another hit to my already low self-esteem.

I do not want to feel this way, and I usually isolate myself when severely depressed. Right now, I cannot find one reason to live, and I got sent home from work for having a nervous breakdown at my desk. I honestly want to die and be at peace, because I am getting older and I know none of my dreams will come true, like having a family.

Sending many hugs, if wanted.

It can get better. Don't lose hope, please. I had been depressed at different levels throughout 25 years of my life and I finally came to a place where I could get help through medication and therapy combined. Therapy was not in place until much later after seeing the pdoc, but it has helped tremendously. Do you have a therapist or are you able to talk to someone like a counselor or therapist?

quietgirl2538 wrote:Sending many hugs, if wanted.

It can get better. Don't lose hope, please. I had been depressed at different levels throughout 25 years of my life and I finally came to a place where I could get help through medication and therapy combined. Therapy was not in place until much later after seeing the pdoc, but it has helped tremendously. Do you have a therapist or are you able to talk to someone like a counselor or therapist?

Hello,

Thank you for your response. My biggest struggle is discussing my issues with others. I am a loner, but I tried counseling last year but he honestly did not help much. I signed up for counseling at my church months later, but I never showed up. I usually isolate myself when severely depressed. It has never been this bad in my life.

I do understand about the need to isolate and the feeling that we cannot talk it out sometimes. It's hard to convey to another person how hard it is irl. Many just cannot understand how crippling Major Depression is. I isolate a lot too, at times when I feel so bad. I have a good friend come by and I don't even want to talk about the subject, but I appreciate them being here. I cry when I am alone and I cry in front of others when I just can't hold back the tears. I think it's worth a try to speak to the counselor or any other counselor-type of person there is. I have a therapist and a couple of good friends I can talk to irl. I don't feel so alone. I don't want you to feel alone.

I recall being so depressed I'd stay in bed and sleep away the day and night. I remember just existing that's how bad my depression was. It was very sad. "I" was very depressed.