Scared Of A Relapse!

Came back from my GP appointment this morning. It was the final medication review before I finally come off medication for good.

GP is happy with my progress. I appear to be more stable and recovering well with my depression and anxiety.

It's my decision to come off medication as I have been on Citalopram for one year and two months now. The longest time I have managed to stay on this medication. From 30mg to now 10mg.

GP has advised to spend the next two weeks taking medication for two days and then not take any on the third day. To repeat this pattern for two weeks. Then week 3 and week 4 - take meds on one day and then none for second day. To repeat this pattern until end of week four.

I have had depression and anxiety for a long time. I think since the age of 9. Been on and off Citalopram since 2009. But this time I have managed to stay on them for this length of time.

I'm happy I am on the last step towards recovery. But I have a strong feeling these next four weeks are going to be the most difficult part. 1) it might be feeling cold turkey as my body will need to adjust coming off medication for good 2) I may experience side effects.

I am worried in case I have a relapse. I'm scared I will fall apart. I'm scared of myself in case I lose control and end up back to square one.

Then I get angry with myself thinking of those who have used and abused me. I get angry for allowing myself being put in these situations. Which just ends up making me feel more low.

It's like I am my own worse enemy. I won't allow myself to get better. Like I deserve to rot and that I deserve to remain in this black hole.

I think it's normal to fear a relapse. But you already know that there is help in the form of medication. When I initially was diagnosed clinically depressed, the pdoc said I would be on meds for the rest of my life. I hated to hear that, but over a long period of time, I was just grateful I wasn't alone on my journey in fighting depression. I had my pdoc and a therapist by then and then I had a manic episode which was somehow triggered and now I take meds for bipolar as well. They always say, treat the symptoms and go from there. That's not to say that I expect you to relapse but I hope you don't fear it so much. You have readily available help from your pdoc.