Triggering: Want To Die

I’ve had serious depression since my early teen years. I went through a lot of abuse and some sexual traumas growing up which have seriously affected me as an adult. I cannot form relationships. Sexuality and intimacy frighten and repulse me, which makes romantic relationships incredibly difficult. I’m extremely solitary. I have no people really close to me in my life. I can’t talk openly or express my emotions to anyone. I have no connection with friends or family. Any “socialising” I do, feels like just surface interactions. I’ve known for a long time that I’m beyond getting help. I have an issue with extreme self-loathing. I genuinely know that I’m a piece of sh*t and that I honestly think any service I can do for the benefit of the world, would be to remove myself from it. Lately, I don’t even feel extreme feelings of sadness.. my emotions have somewhat flatlined and I’ve made peace with the idea of dying. I’m not afraid of it. I want to end it. I really really feel level-headed and like I’ve considered this rationally for a while. Nothing in life brings me joy. I hate myself through and through. I’ve made peace with my loneliness and really just want to die. But I’ll admit the conflict within, the voice that’s always just “holding it off” a little longer.... It’s almost as if I wait to see if the next day will show any sign of hope.. but it never does...

Please hold on to the thoughts you have about "holding it off," I just want you to be ok. Seek help in the form of calling the suicide hotline if necessary or going to a hospital where they can keep you safe and try to find the right meds to get you out of this depression. Sending many hugs, if wanted.

How are you doing?

Yeah, how are you doing?

What makes you think you are beyond getting help?

Trauma *can* be treated in therapy just fine. You've concretely described a lot of other issues too, but it's possible to address all of them, just it will take time and yes, a bit of effort, though you can manage that effort by taking your time more. You will want therapy that really really zones in on your problems effectively. Medications may help in the meantime.

I get it though if you feel very tired to deal with all that. That's normal, too. Just keep this in mind, that it is possible to deal with and sort it all out one day. Slowly maybe but surely.


A few bits of thoughts.

You feel you are a piece of $#%^ because that's what your feelings are telling you. That doesn't make it fact... I'm sure you are not a piece of $#%^, unless you murdered someone, which I'm pretty sure you haven't done.

Socializing is surface interactions, yes, that's normal. True closeness is only there in relationships. And yes, those take time to build but... not impossible.