Long, but I need advice please (friend in crisis)

First, I'm really sorry this is so long. It's an essay, or a book of some kind, I know. I'm just hoping someone who has the time, knowledge and anything helpful to suggest however small will give me some ideas here. I'm really in need.
The situation is so complicated, but I don't know what else I can do.

Alright, I'm honestly not sure where to start. I have a friend, and yes it is a friend not a cover for myself. Anyway, this friend is 18, he's an awesome guy, aspires to me a musician, plays guitar, bass and loves electronics. Most of the time he's passionate, a great friend and funny guy. Lately, (say like, the last 9 months or so) he's been an emotional yo-yo.
In one year he went from being "straight edge" (no alcohol, etc) and being celibate to being alright with drinking, and not caring if he does end up losing his virginity meaninglessly. That's one part of the issue...
I should probably add that he mostly gets these downs or so-called "personality crisis" episodes after "events" in his life, as I explain here...

He has a few problems and I really want him to see a counsellor, or anyone who can help him really. He describes himself as "Holden Craufield"(?), and keeps having what he describes as an "identity crisis", and it does something to him that I'll have trouble describing... but I have to try.

I'm no psychologist, but the way he goes up and down so bad, could it be manic depression of some kind? =/
I can read him very well and we're very close in some ways, rather, we're close as is possible what with his inability to open up and admit anything other than his misery or frustration with his life. He'll get frustrated or become "flat" whenever he tries defeating that inability, for example trying to say something nice or be up front about our feelings for each other more than 10% of the time (or less). Or he just acts like a dick, possible ADHD, but I'm not a psych so I'll skip assumptions... just that's how he acts.

This is an extract from his online profile as of yesterday. Online is about the only place he'll ever talk to me about his or "our" issues:

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I spend half my free time writing half-assed Less Than Jake sound-a-like songs about my personal failures and my friends' and my own hollow lives. I spend the other half working for no real reason other than that someone once told me to save my money. That has got to be the single stupidest piece of advice I've ever followed, but yet, I'm so accustomed to these ruts that I'm afraid to leave them.

That's a sad picture when any person finds themself there. My life's predicament is almost as stupid as biding one's time. As the one graduation present that truly made a difference to me, a card from my uncle who smokes like a fire and drinks like a fish containing ten dollars read: Now go out and change the world. That's a bit more useful advice, yet I haven't heeded it.

If anyone who bothers to read this would like to provide some insight, preferably of the useful variety, be my guest in doing so. Also, reccomend me a good psych. I probably need one. That or some spare Bacardi 151. Both can solve problems pretty well.

- - - - -

The above profile used to be nothing but lyrics. The bit about psychs, I put that in his mind the other day. I told him in an email (we talk a lot online) that I think it could help him, because clearly he's damaging himself in the self-doubting cycle and he carries on just accepting it instead of treating it like an issue. Not only that but he's pushing himself so hard and losing himself in his love for music and electronics instead of facing his social, emotional and other issues that are important to him being happy.

So of course when he does emerge from himself, he just re-encounters all his past issues and sinks himself back under to avoid them. It's like there's a cloud over him, shoving him down whenever he tries to stand tall or let people close.

He's like a hurt child when I talk to him sometimes, I'm fairly sure I'm the only person he truly confides in. The problem is, when we do start making breakthroughs, he hides from me and pushes me away... I'm not about to give up on him, but I do need some advice here. I'm aware you can't save people from themselves, but I know that you can save them from depression and if there's one thing I want out of this past year with him it's that I've helped get him at least half serious about getting help. So please, if anyone can help...

Overall, he likes to wallow in misery. At times he even likes being perceived as the victim or lost soul. Decisions are too tough for him to make if he's worried or stressed over something else, 'cause he simply can't multi-task. He's too busy trying to follow other people's demands because he second guesses himself and pushes people away so he can carry on being miserable.
Misery is familiar to him, always has been so he clings to it. It's like he's afraid of being a let down to people, or making his own choices. =/

We spoke the other day, about "us" (note, we've never defined ourselves as dating but we do love each other). He was saying how he's on the verge of telling people to go away, quitting work and making more time for me. Then when he reminded me how he always pushes people away if he gets too close, he suddenly turned on me and said "Give up on me" and as usual there was no changing his mind. It was as if he'd reminded himself of the fact he shuts people out, and like some kind of religious binding he needed to follow it again.
He said he always lets me down, that he ###$ up everything in his life, anything good. He knows what with how he is that he'll hurt me again, and told me as much. (He pushed me away twice in the past year, maybe more. Second time was in January and he was heading for a breakdown until I wrote to him a heartfelt letter) then he came back to me and seemed upbeat and hopeful, but still incapable of showing or taking affection.
We go in circles, but there is progress (he denies this), overshadowed by his obvious issues that he's too stuck and stubborn to face. I just want him to stop running from me, and himself, and more importantly happiness.

Things like road trips, visiting his "redneck" family, or his last year at high school, they all seem to suck the hope out of him. When he started back in September/August he got pretty down, started getting better until he started a job, then he plummeted and started joining in with his stupid friends for a couple of months. Then he realised he was pushing me away, letting himself down as well and he decided he didn't much like the way his friends are... not uncommon for his age, I guess.
The latest problem was a road trip, some kind of charity thing with his local church? I forget the exacts... anyway it seems like these things cause him what I can only describe as emotional trauma of some kind... now he's just switching off and I really want him to get help or let me in.

He's like a hermit crab emotionally, he'll get out and follow people he admires (or rather, cares about their opinion of him) but he won't let people who love him get too close... it's really difficult for me to understand the trigger or how someone can be that afraid of affection and such. Sort of like he hides from people who offer him choices and happiness. I think I make him happy, but he makes a thousand excuses to push me out or try to make me give up on him. He uses his humour to try and make me angry, acting more like a 7 year old at times.


History that I know of:
When he was 14-15, he became depressed, bad enough that he tried to kill himself a few times. When he told his mother, reaching out to her, she laughed in his face. She's the kind of mother you wouldn't wish on anyone, selfish, insults and degrades her kids. She'll say things like, "You ungrateful little brats", "How did I end up with such useless kids", and worse, much worse.

His parents were ready to divorce say like 9 months ago. Instead, his mother kept the marriage together, making his weak father miserable. His dad is a racist, can be violent (he's hit my friend a few times) and was once an alcoholic. His brother is a few years younger, socially retarded and sometimes ruins my friend's stuff.

Now, my friend is what I'd like to call "pure". He's a good, decent person but he's surrounded by so-called friends who are junkies, dealers, whores and general morons. It's a downtrodden area that he lives in.
It's only in this last year that things like high school, road trips with the said morons... and getting his first, new demanding part-time (more like full time AND some) job last December seems to have worn away at him.
He described it to me as "Becoming a drone" and losing his soul. Next coming is college, and I know that unless he starts standing up for himself that college will either turn him into even more of a "workaholic" (better if that's on his studies) but possibly make him all the more fed up and self destructive.

He talks about booze sometimes, and I would like some way to help put him off the idea. His dad was an alcoholic. I don't want him to get super down and just think, "To hell with it" and become one too.

He even called off "us" (another half-assed effort where he couldn't bring himself to outright admit much more than liking me as well and wanting to be with me) saying that it was for my sake this time, that I should give up on him because he's a mess and can't make guarantees or be there for me while he's like this. He comes up with so many excuses trying to push me away but reaches out to me in so many other ways.
He says I'm the only person he knows who holds true to my values, who's "untainted". As I already know, most of his friends and family are total low-lifes. He has such a decent heart and beautiful mind, I don't want him to lose that. =/

I really hope that's something for someone with more insight to go on, but more to the point I would like some advice on how to keep at him about seeing a psychologist. I'm glad that he's even acknowledged my point about him seeing a psych, but I don't want it to just drop... I really need him to get help so he'll stop turning himself into the victim and start realising that he's a grown man and he has a girl who loves him and who'll do anything to be with him.


The problem here is I'm almost blaming myself for this, which is stupid but it's like maybe I'm not strong enough, maybe I make him unhappy or maybe I set him back somehow.

I've never been to an all-too helpful psychologist, just once or twice at school and once in college say over a year ago. At this point, though, I'm trying anything for his sake.


If anyone can help me decipher this, or at least help me to understand what he might be going through or suffering from (with any experience or knowledge). See, to me it's like listening to a foreign language, trying to understand but failing miserably because as well as I can read emotions I can't figure out what causes him so many problems.
Obviously it's hard for me to understand, 'cause I don't have any problems with letting people in, even if I suffer ruts at times. Mostly I'm just antisocial in the sense I dislike people to intrude on me, but I'm a fairly open person with stable moods and such, so my friend's problems are alien to me. =/


So yeah. I'm kinda alone here, everyone's making me feel like a fool but I love him, I'm fairly sure he feels the same and I just need some faith and advice on how to keep strong and be here for him. I want him to know that I'm not going to run out on him, or hurt him.

That's all (haha x_x) I can think of right now...

Help or advice is really appreciated. Thank you for your time.

Does he currently do any drugs?
Does he have a history of mental illness?
Does he say he wants help? (do you think he would be open to seeing someone about it?)

"Holden Caufield" (of Catcher in the Rye)...

Your friend sounds like he really does need some skilled therapeutic help. Doesn't have to be psychologist. Many Master-level counselors are excellent (and less expensive).

He sounds like a very sensitive soul caught in harsh environments ("his red-neck family" for example). As my yoga teacher liked to say, "environment is stronger than will power" - meaning it's hard to transform your life into something rewarding when you are not surrounding yourself with like-minded, like-souled friends.

Glad he's got you. I think he needs to find his own (his soul's?) reason for being.

Than786 raises important questions. Sounds like he does want help, but isn't sure what kind he needs. I was in that spot for a decade :( Until I found a shrink who worked for me, I got a lot of solace from existentialist, Taoist, style books: Carl Rogers' "On Becoming a Person"; Alan Watts' "The Book", etc.)

Thank you both.

He doesn't do drugs, except for last year when he admitted to trying weed with his dumb friends. (I think he did it once, but claimed more times)
Mental illness, kinda. He was depressed and suicidal when he was like 14-15, his family did nothing to help but I never found out if he was on meds for it. His mother laughed in his face when he told her he'd tried to kill himself.
He hasn't said he wants help, but I was the one who mentioned that I think he could use a psych both 'cause of his past issues and current ones. It's since I mentioned him getting help that his profile has changed to the whole, "Recommend me a good psych. I probably need one". I really hope he will see someone, I just don't know where to start with pursuing the issue.

I really wish he would talk to me but right now since he pushed me out we've barely spoken. I at my wit's end right now. It's always me to makes the first move when we've fallen out, so I can't do it this time, I'm scared.

Like as soon as I back off, he comes running. It's just how he tries to provoke responses from me. Like he was talking about college, and how his open day was good 'cause he felt like the cool funny guy, and that two chicks seemed to like him. I mean... wtf, he knows that gets to me. He does that kind of thing every time we "fall out". Well I'm not giving him a response.


I'll mention the counsellor idea to him, he's earning (especially with how much he's losing himself in work) and such but I doubt he'd like spending too much. I really want him to see someone professional, sooner the better.
Yes, he's extremely sensitive, he used to be "straight edge", no alcohol, or drugs, anything. He was just a really sure of himself, decent guy. Now he's on about drink, even though he's not interested in drugs at all. I'm guessing this up and down thing he's going through is a symptom that he keeps getting back up only to get knocked down. His friends are nothing like him, so he's still trying to relate to them even though they're not nice people. I guess he's just going through some delayed teenage crisis, but man... it hurts me and it's not helping him.

It's more of this fakeness. I mean, why care what others think when the people who care about and love you feel like they're nothing?

I try to be there for him, I really do, but he just pushes me out in the end with the whole "I'll hurt you" thing, and it tears me up.
These ups and downs are so predictable.

He does have me, but I'm really finding it hard what with this week, him pushing me out and now we haven't even spoken since then.
We go from trying to be together to him shoving me out, he hasn't made an effort to talk to me and I told him in an email that I'm backing off. I really don't think he's gotten it yet, it can take a while... but I'm too afraid to say anything even about his mentioning a psych in his profile because he has this habit of bypassing important points, or dodging our issues.

If we have a chance, if he cares about me as much as I care about him, surely this would all be easier? Why does he keep running from me then coming back to me when he realizes himself?


It's making me feel really alone. I'm getting angry at people, trying to keep from getting upset. I'm expected to go on holiday with the family next week, and I'm just going to be a ball of hate. I really want time away from them, but they aren't listening to me and I can't mention what's happening because they'll just tell me I'm being stupid. I have no one.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have a feeling I'll need a psych pretty soon. I have nothing. -_-
Tried a counselor before and didn't get far. The guy described me as someone ready to burst who just bottles everything up. I can't help any of this, I feel useless.