I can't shake this

I was diagnosed with depression back when I was around thirteen. And, although I know that I've done so much, at the same time, I feel like I can't do anything right and people see me as some sort of joke. I thought I was getting better, but for a week or two every month I just sort of go back to feeling like no one would care if I disappeared. I ended up breaking into tears at a restaurant the other day and my fiance had to take me home with all of my food in a box. I really want to be happy, does anyone have any tips or something? I'm sorry I feel like I just threw everything on here.

I'm sorry I feel like I just threw everything on here

No need to be sorry, from my point of view, but i understand why you feel the need to apologize.

Additionally, you haven't actually shared much, let alone everything.

So it's all about the perception and feeling you have of being a burden whenever you do decide to share something of your self, which admittedly was very little, in the form of one small paragraph.

Far short from sharing everything, don't you think?

No condemnation coming from me here,
My only attempt here is to make you see this concern of yours from another perspective for a moment.

I would like you to share more of your feelings so i could be more of help to you,
if you would want to be doing that.

Thank you. I actually love seeing the world from other points of view.

I think my issue is that I hold everyone and everything so highly, but when I think of myself, I feel like I'm less important than everything. It has often made me feel like I just volunteer to take all of the negativity so that others can have a good life. I also kind of feel like I'm just a big joke to people, like I'm not even a real person.

It's odd I know, but when I was little I drowned. Ever since then I've had this feeling like everything is just a dream and when I die I'll wake up from a coma. At times it makes me want to test it just to see if I will wake up.

when I was little I drowned. Ever since then I've had this feeling like everything is just a dream and when I die I'll wake up from a coma.

Interesting.
Could you provide a bit more detail regarding the memories you've retained from this event and your reaction to, and impressions on, it?

I think my issue is that I hold everyone and everything so highly, but when I think of myself, I feel like I'm less important than everything. It has often made me feel like I just volunteer to take all of the negativity so that others can have a good life. I also kind of feel like I'm just a big joke to people, like I'm not even a real person.

How do these impressions fit into the predominant themes and feelings tied to your childhood lived with your parents and, perhaps, siblings?

Well I had to be around three or so when I drowned. All I really remember was falling slowly and watching everything fade to black. I did see my brother see my brother swimming towards me. I really didn't do anything to save myself though, I just let it happen. Thinking about it now, I have no idea why I didn't even try to save myself.

As for your second question, I'm honestly not sure how to answer that. I have an amazing family and I love them to death. My emotions from childhood are more than likely rooted more from moving to a different state and being completely bullied because of the fact that I was a quiet girl with a different accent than the other children.

As for your second question, I'm honestly not sure how to answer that. I have an amazing family and I love them to death.

Don't wanna take anything away from that,
as it's a beautiful thing but does the quotation below not fit into the relationship dynamics of your family at all?

I think my issue is that I hold everyone and everything so highly, but when I think of myself, I feel like I'm less important than everything.

There a chance you had a habit of doing this (below) at home, with regards to your family, as well?

It has often made me feel like I just volunteer to take all of the negativity so that others can have a good life.

but when I was little I drowned. Ever since then I've had this feeling like everything is just a dream and when I die I'll wake up from a coma. At times it makes me want to test it just to see if I will wake up.

Oh, so you did actually have a Near-Death Experience?

My bad then, as for some reason during the first read i didn't manage to allow the implications of the word drowning to fully sink in.
Perhaps i assumed you meant you'd almost drowned.

I do think higher of other people, not just my family. Also, I think I do actually volunteer myself, I'd rather see other people happy than myself. I don't want other people to feel the way I do, it doesn't matter if I even know the person or not.

ThatWomanOverThere wrote:I do think higher of other people, not just my family. Also, I think I do actually volunteer myself, I'd rather see other people happy than myself. I don't want other people to feel the way I do, it doesn't matter if I even know the person or not.

Well if, as it seems, you refuse to even just slightly critically scrutinise your family dynamics in order to investigate for possible root causes which more often than not originate in the nuclear constellation of the family, there's not much constructive feedback that can be given then.

I'm sorry.

ThatWomanOverThere wrote:I'm sorry.

Oh no... No need to apologize to me, dear.

You decide for your self what you want.

I do understand how difficult this is.