My lifelong depression

It is really bad tonight. I don't really know what to do except just write it to someone who might understand. My entire life has been such a ######6 disaster and it seems like no matter how hard I fight I cannot catch a break.

My mother and father split when I was 2 and I lived with my mom.. Until my stepdad entered the picture. He did not like me, in fact he saw me as the "Disadvantage" to dating my mother. When my brother came around it only got worse despite the fact that my brother has always been very close to my heart and I have always loved him from day 1.

I was heavily isolated and mentally terrorized, to the point where even today I can't socialize at all. I don't know social rules because of the severe isolation I have lived with. I went to school but other than that I was placed in my room.

I was 9 when the suicide thoughts started. I was 17 when I learned that crying yourself to sleep was not the average way people fell asleep.

At the age of 15 I was misdiagnosed and for the next 12 years they would continue to try and treat me for something I did not have. I had tried from the age of 12 to the age of 15 to explain I was depressed but child psychologist can be garbage and they just assumed it was normal teenage angst.

I cannot write everything down right now, it is way too much for me. But I have been abandoned by everyone who was supposed to care.. Best friends have cut me out of their life because my depression became too much for them to handle despite having carried them through their rough times.

Everyone I meet automatically dislikes me. Honestly I have no idea why.. I have no bad thoughts about anyone and I tend to sacrifice everything about my own well being if anyone else is suffering. But I must come off differently than I intend to.

I am only alive today because a stranger saw my sadness and told me "No matter how bad it gets, at night you just have to tell yourself Just one more day.. One more day, one day it will be better"

Well I am 28 years old now. And I stopped believing things could ever get better. I try to but I am utterly and completely broken. I am trying to get back on my feet now that I actually got the right diagnosis and the appropriate medicine, but even though I have 3+ meetings a week, nothing gets done. And nobody will believe why.. They will directly lie about me and not show up to meetings, not live up to their end of their agreement. But if I criticize it they see me as just crazy. Official employees will never do this kind of thing right? And I am just a waste of human space since childhood..

I never wanted to die, death is one of my biggest fears ever. But the pain of living can become greater than the fear.

I don't really know what I am trying to accomplish with this post..

Sometimes just "talking it out" even through writing it in an anonymous forum helps. You were able to do that, so it's a step.

It's hard for me to make you believe that you are wrong and that things are just peachy when in fact your are suffering inside of you at this moment. I just want you to know someone has read your post and I offer you hugs if wanted.

quietgirl2538 wrote:Sometimes just "talking it out" even through writing it in an anonymous forum helps. You were able to do that, so it's a step.

It's hard for me to make you believe that you are wrong and that things are just peachy when in fact your are suffering inside of you at this moment. I just want you to know someone has read your post and I offer you hugs if wanted.

Thanks.. I doubt anything could really help too greatly at the moment because a life of depression.. Well ruins your life. But when it comes to feeling better I actually find some relief in reading others posts as well, maybe providing some helpful comments.

I guess I am just at a point in life where I really want to develop my emotional intelligence and start learning why I feel the way I do, not just that I do. I have spend half a year now basically just going through all the events in my life, realizing why I reacted as I did and why people reacted the way they did.

Even though I think I have been treated #######5 by people that should have been nice to me, I have also learned a lot of things about myself and the world. I think I very mistakenly assumed that every time I got hurt they would do it out of spite, when in reality it might stem from their own emotional issues. It still does not make it easy to forgive, specially if they are not able to see flaws in their own behavior but it helps me at least recognize that anger is fruitless and that the only thing you can really do is surround yourself with people bringing a positive influence to your life.

Now with that said, it is nice to know that somebody out there is reading it so thank you for your comment.

I have a long life story of people like my mom not being the ideal and expected "motherly" influence on me throughout all of my life. She is toxic and I stopped having her in my life for the most part. I feel happier this way. But I have to admit that a lot of my emotional growth as a person has come from therapy. I've been in therapy for over 5 years and counting. With the same therapist, btw. I feel blessed. My depressions were mostly chemical, but the situational ones ended when my situation changed for the better, with the help of my meds too, of course.

quietgirl2538 wrote:I have a long life story of people like my mom not being the ideal and expected "motherly" influence on me throughout all of my life. She is toxic and I stopped having her in my life for the most part. I feel happier this way. But I have to admit that a lot of my emotional growth as a person has come from therapy. I've been in therapy for over 5 years and counting. With the same therapist, btw. I feel blessed. My depressions were mostly chemical, but the situational ones ended when my situation changed for the better, with the help of my meds too, of course.

Well I started therapy at 15.. And then was misdiagnosed up until 27, they kept giving me medicine that wouldn't work and refused to acknowledge I was depressed until recently when I was actually admitted to a hospital after another suicide attempt. Luckily for me the doctor could not get the files due to computer issues and decided to give me antidepressant. It helped like I never thought medicine could. I had given up anything could help. And it really did.. Before I was just.. Lost. I wanted to die. I welcomed it. But now I only have bad moments and a few anxiety attacks. But to be honest, in comparison it is bliss.

I am not too trusting in my therapists either, but they constantly got switched and I never really kept one..

I can truly relate. If I were to recount about my life and depression, it would be so much to write out. I did have two other therapists and this third one just fit with me really well.