Help *TW*

26 year old man. Not on any medication. Tried a lot of different ones, none really helped, but willing to try them again. I'm so desperate, I'll do anything. Lost and confused.
I've been wanting to be dead for a long time. Considering killing self. All I have is a knife, what I lack in courage I make up for in desperation.
Can't talk to family/friends about condition. They won't care. Or make situation worse. And, I don't want to seem weak and needy to the people I care about. I've taken enough from them, especially my parents.
Overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I'm a recovering alcoholic. the damage I have done In my addiction still haunts me, even though it's been almost 2 years since I've had a drink.
Can barely think straight. Mind in a fog.
I'm afraid to die, but don't want to live anymore. Very little hope for my future. I'm too broken to survive in this world any longer.
Can't stop thinking about the past. Trapped there. So young, yet I feel like an old man who has seen too much. I had the chance to make a better life for myself when I was younger, but I made too many mistakes. My chance at a good life is long over now.
I feel like I don't have much of a "grip" on myself.
As time goes on, I lose more and more people. They move away, or we don't have much in common anymore.
Haven't seen a therapist/psychologist/whatever in over a year. Not 100% sure it even helped anyway.
I may not have the courage to see myself through to suicide anytime soon, but in my heart I beg for death. If something or someone were to randomly kill me, I wouldn't object to it.

Been a little while since this post, how are you feeling now?