How do you live with mental disorders?

Good evening, I'm new on here. I am a single 51 year old female mother of 4 who has spent most of my adult life in depression. I have been to a number of therapist and taken a number of medications, none which seem to help a whole lot. Recently there has been a change in my disorder, I'm starting to feel a lot of anxiety happening inside of me. I wake up some mornings and almost cannot breath. I told my current therapist that I don't feel the therapy I'm getting now is helping me much because of this new anxiety coming in. I feel I'm getting worse instead of better.
Growing up I came from a very authoritative home. There was plenty of discipline but there was no praise, no touching, no hugging, no kissing, no pat on the back, no I know you will do better next time, no I believe in you.............none of that. Not just with the kids but between my parents as well. Growing up I stayed in a very small circle of friends, and when the teen years came along, look out, I would cling on to a boy. I remember getting upset with him because I felt he spent more time working on his volkwagon instead of spending time with me. When the relationship ended it tore me apart for months. At 23 I married and I married a person who had lots of problems. Alcohol, discipline problems, didn't want to grow up, party problems............Of course I wanted a marriage and children. I stayed in that marriage for almost 20 years knowing there were bad problmes in that relationship even before I married. I always felt overwhelmed and neglected and abused. There was some physical abuse, lots of mental abuse (you are too fat, your house is too messy, you have no career, you accomplish nothing in school..........) It took me along time to leave the marriage because I thought I couldn't live without him, I was scared of losing HIS friends, I was scared of losing HIS family and so on. I finally did leave the marriage after 20 years and I have been in 10 years of a vicious cycle. I started internet dating, looking for approval and a replacement. I practically whored myself. I did finish my degree, finally. This has been a painful exterience because I stayed with two different guys off and on (not at the same time) one would stand me up over and over again (I'm talking 9 years worth) I could never fully break away once and for all. the other was a man my aged who never married never had any kids and I fell in love with but he did not want a commitment and still does not. I stayed in that vicious cycle for 7 years off and on (not at the same time as the other guy) I would run back and forth between them. Now I'm having problems with depression. And recently the panic attacks (anxiety started setting in). Just last night I yelled at my kids "don't touch me" when they were trying to comfort me as I was upset about the guy who never married and how things were between us. I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF THIS CYCLE! The thoughts that go through my head are I'm not good enough for anyone, I'm not worthy of a ring on my finger and a commitment. I'm so weak. I don't like myself, I'm ugly....... the other person thinks its hard dealing with a "clingy" person, just imagine how I feel, I cannot escape this. I don't know how to fix this. I'm trying to limit myself on facebook, as that is another way to look for approval and see all the "good " in peoples lives which is probably not how it is all the time. Ive tried so hard getting of the dating sites. I'm trying theraphy, medication, and my hobby of photography, sometimes with a group sometimes on my own. Ive tried cutting the TV way down so I'm not so bombarded with relationship and things of that nature. Is anyone else going through this? What has worked for you? I feel terrible.