Trying something new

I don't know if this would be the right forum, but I've been bummed since I was young. If it's not the right forum, feel free to redirect this post, thanks.
I want to start off by saying I’m a 32 year old virgin. I’ve never had a girlfriend and only a couple of women have ever shown interest in me. I’ve tried to hit on several women, and all I could do was creep them out. I don’t drink, don’t smoke, smoke weed quite a bit, but for the past several months only socially. I’ve quit basically everything that can be considered addictive, no candy, no soda, and very little fast food. I was working out for a while, about 6 months, but I’ve lost the motivation for that the last couple of months. I’m extremely boring, I work, go to school, and sit at home most of the time. The few times I get out and go to bars and stuff it’s awful, and it gets harder every time I try. Lately I’ve lost interest in everything I’ve been doing my whole life; playing video games, watching movies, reading. Once I quit smoking weed on the regular everything lost its appeal. I used to dream about crazy impossible things and I loved it, but those dreams left with regular smoking. Basically after I quit being high all the time I realized that everything I was doing was just a way to kill time to get to the next day, rinse-repeat. Unfortunately, without weed I’m still the same, just no dreams, or time wasters to get through the day, and it is becoming agonizingly painful. I have a few close friends, and I don’t have problems talking to people usually. I don’t have anything to add to conversations though, so if the person I’m talking to isn’t carrying the conversation it usually dies pretty quick. Also, I’m just not interested in most things people have to say. For that matter, I’m not interested in most of things I say to other people to converse with them, it’s just meaningless conversation so that people don’t ask why I’m so quiet. I don’t have a real strong personality, I just emulate the people around me so that I can talk to them about things that they’re interested in. I have no hobbies, nor does anything seem appealing enough to try to start a hobby. I am a coward too, I’m afraid of heights, confrontation, the dark ( a little, not as bad as when I was younger), social places, death, any situation where I might piss someone else off, and lots of other things I can’t even think of right now. I try to be as polite as I can all the time to avoid confrontation or making someone angry, and it’s literally killing me inside. The problem with that is that when I’m not polite I feel just as #######5, go figure. I feel like I had more stuff to talk about, but this is probably enough for now. I’ve never posted anything like this, but I’m just super down right now after a woman I worked with gave me her number and I still couldn’t even get a date with her after a month or more of hanging out. I think I was just too boring for her…oh well life will continue. If you actually read all of this, congratulations and thank you. I don’t expect any life changing responses, but I’ll check occasionally to see if anyone has advice I haven’t already heard before.

When I first read your post, I could see myself in that frame of mind in my past. Advice? Well, I'm still working on it. But I am trying to find happiness within myself. It's not easy, so I empathize with you. I sit and try to enjoy my music that "tells me" how I'm feeling. If I feel sad I listen to sad music, if I feel angry, I sometimes will look up angry songs, etc. I guess, I am getting in touch with my feelings first. Then I see how I feel next. When another person has not gotten in touch with me, I rationalize, how do I feel? Am I hurt? No. Am I angry. No. Do I care enough to have it affect me. Yes. What do I feel? The answer to that specific question was that I missed their friendship. Relationships are so important and when they start to mean a lot to you, you can sort of lean on them and it has meaning in your life. So, for me, finding meaning in my life helps to sort of "cure" my loneliness and helps to also find meaning for me enjoying being alive and well. Right now, I am looking forward to talking to my friend. That makes me happy. Building meaningful relationships can be very important, in my opinion. This thought makes me happy inside of me and it builds my self-esteem that I am important. What do you think? Does this make sense?

Trying to be happy with just yourself, I am working on that too. I sometimes just want to stay at home, so I do just that. Then other times I am motivated to go to the bookstore, which is something I look forward to because it makes me happy. I have no hobbies other than reading books. I don't think you need a hobby to keep yourself busy and happy, but just try to find something that puts a smile on your face and keeps you looking forward to your next moment, your next day, your next week, and so on...I am looking forward to my friend's friendship, and to making a good meal for my kids and their friend. I hate washing dishes and I don't look forward to that, but in order to get to cooking, I need to just do that first. So I am motivated with the thought of making a delicious meal for me and for my family.