living with severe depression without psychiatric medication

i was wondering if there is anyone who is living with depression currently that does not take psychiatric medication for whatever reason(s), bad experiences in past, severe side effects, etc.

and if so, how do you feel on a daily basis without medication, what do you do in terms of lifestyle, hobbies, etc?

as for me, i've been diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder and major depression with a long history of on and off psychiatric medications. me and mom have just decided after my recent hospital visit due to side effects from taking an anti psychotic on just the lowest dosage of 20mg that my psychiatrist prescribed, specifically prescribing it to me because i mentioned i have a lot of anger without understanding that she had given me something that further made my depression and anxiety worse, suppressing my dopamine that already is imbalanced...which apparently had caused me on the third night of taking the medication to have extreme agitation, screaming in pain and crying while having on and off convulsions, i was later given an ativan at the hospital and anti nausea medicine because my stomach also hurt from the poison medication i took and felt like throwing up in general.

i have suffered depression for very long, initially my diagnosis was anxiety and depression right after high school which has gotten progressively slowly worse up till now, a few years later it was changed to schizotypal pd and major depression and at age 24, that's the most up to date diagnosis i have, although i just did the mmpi-2 again and expecting a diagnosis again in hopefully a week or two, although i am kind of skeptical on what the results will be, because it's an intern, and although there is a psychologist running it, the person who is gonna be summarizing what my results will be isn't, although he isn't doing it all on his own, he is partly doing it with the psychologist to see whether or not his evaluation is accurate or not.

so yeah, i was just wondering if there are people out there that suffer with clinical depression who either can't take psychiatric medication, don't want to, but also have great stress, difficulty and hopeless / helplessness with their condition(s).

i can't go to my community college for the time being until maybe fall due to having a episode that caused me to become so stressed out and offended from a counseling visit who was taking advantage of me the whole time, that i had made a threat that i was gonna blow up and break something which i didn't but nevertheless, cops had showed up and i was taken out of campus, later on scheduled for another appointment with the dean and i got kicked out and told that if i wanted to come back, i would NEED to be on medication.

so overall, i struggle with chronic emptiness, boredom, severe deperession, constant stress and anxiety that doesn't go away, a very weak body ( physically and emotionally ), i am only 24 but i feel like i function worse than some 80 year olds. everyday i feel like someone with cancer who is gonna die sooner or later and im supposed to assume that things will get better with the minimal capacity i have on my own.

group therapy has not helped me in years of attending and has only made me feel more alone, depressed and angry due to not relating to others and at the same time my disorder causing me to not being to communicate and participate as well as i could while being in them, i actually had one episode where i violently blow up and threw chairs due to the built up depression and emotions i had that weren't able to be outlet-ed properly in a long time, which also caused me to be kicked out of that group place.

i am really scared of myself, my condition, my life, i feel like my body is deteriorating by the day and the only thing i can do is casually do basic things throughout the day in the meantime which is getting food for myself, doing my physical therapy, being with family or occasionally going to family get togethers, small walks, and not much else.

my mom is telling me to work or at least go online to look up internships, etc, but she doesn't get that my body can't, my mind can't, my memory and organization is limited. i want to work for the sake of doing something and getting some money too but i really don't know what to do in general, especially in the shape i am with untreated depression and personality disorder for years.

I took medicines earlier. Stopped them after a month as the psychiatrist was too expensive.

from meditation music and support groups i've learnt to let thoughts and emotions pass without reacting. that helps.

but it was a long struggle. 4 years.

i have two online friends and i vent to them a lot. that also helped me.

I haven't been around in such a long time, but thought of how wonderful it was the first time I discovered this site, quite by accident - A place where I could freely rant, if I wished to, and not be terribly judged.

user03.. So sorry to read about the dilemmas you've found yourself in. I hope the best for you. To answer your question about whether or not anyone suffers with clinical depression, and chose not to take meds for whatever reasons - I am one who choose not to, now. I was placed on a couple anti-depressants for about six months or so a few years ago, once it was determined which ones I would take. I didn't like the way the medicines made me feel, and definitely didn't like the weight gain they caused. So, I discountinued taking them. (I don't advise anyone to take themselves off of any med on their own. Be advised by your doctor.)

The reason I am on site right now is, because I just experienced an astronomical doozy of a panic attack. I've had them before, but this time I was within seconds of calling the paramedics to my rescue. I thought I was having a heart attack!!! Not really, because I know what panic attacks feel like. I stood outdoors on my deck for a while trying to calm my nerves. They finally calmed down.

Now, I need to get rid of these thoughts about possibly having another panic attack. That is the thing about these attacks. Once you've experienced the first one, you're on defense, hoping and praying there is not another one coming around the bend.

I've been going through quite a bit for sometime, lately. I know things will get better eventually, or change somewhat for me and everyone else involved. It's just been one of those kinds of days.

Thanks for listening.

Bginagin wrote:I haven't been around in such a long time, but thought of how wonderful it was the first time I discovered this site, quite by accident - A place where I could freely rant, if I wished to, and not be terribly judged.

user03.. So sorry to read about the dilemmas you've found yourself in. I hope the best for you. To answer your question about whether or not anyone suffers with clinical depression, and chose not to take meds for whatever reasons - I am one who choose not to, now. I was placed on a couple anti-depressants for about six months or so a few years ago, once it was determined which ones I would take. I didn't like the way the medicines made me feel, and definitely didn't like the weight gain they caused. So, I discountinued taking them. (I don't advise anyone to take themselves off of any med on their own. Be advised by your doctor.)

The reason I am on site right now is, because I just experienced an astronomical doozy of a panic attack. I've had them before, but this time I was within seconds of calling the paramedics to my rescue. I thought I was having a heart attack!!! Not really, because I know what panic attacks feel like. I stood outdoors on my deck for a while trying to calm my nerves. They finally calmed down.

Now, I need to get rid of these thoughts about possibly having another panic attack. That is the thing about these attacks. Once you've experienced the first one, you're on defense, hoping and praying there is not another one coming around the bend.

I've been going through quite a bit for sometime, lately. I know things will get better eventually, or change somewhat for me and everyone else involved. It's just been one of those kinds of days.

Thanks for listening.

thanks for responding, i have like two states of depression, the anhedonia state ( the only word i can think of right now ) where i am just existing but don't feel much of any pleasure, but not necessarily in total darkness either, i can still feel somewhat alive and feel a tiny bit of temporary happiness, even if it is not meaningful or very small, anxiety and stress are determined on what exactly is going on around me in the environment, whether or i have proper coping mechanisms, boredom and other factors like being on the computer for too long which is like the only thing i mainly do with video games and porn / masturbation with or without ejaculation.

in this state, i am functional enough to live in a basic way, getting up, eating breakfast, doing the limited things i do like going to this place for pretty much anyone who has received mental health services in the past, going on evening walks, which arent that long, only about 12-17 minutes but still help nevertheless, eating an orange daily at a specific time that i can remember and works out with my lifestyle, and some light stretches and exercise to help with my very weak back muscles, bones, etc.

however, if i reach my "dysfunctional" state or "significant dread and pain" stage which does not happen often, then even if i were to have a pretty ok day, fullfulling, or productive, i feel as if i did nothing, on top of that, i feel like a vegetable, i can barely make sense of what is going on around me and physically have more somatic pain than usual such as headaches, feeling like my brain is constantly squeezed ( brain scans came back normal though ), anxiety and stress elevated, and towards evening, my appetite becomes almost gone or it becomes impossible to eat food, my body simply rejects meals, and the closest thing i can come to is maybe eating crackers or something very small, and taking an ativan towards bedtime to be able to just calm down and be able to fall asleep and stay asleep.

the dysfunctional stage occurs when i haven't ejaculated after like three days and / or haven't masturbated with or without ejaculation, because ejaculation in general does not make me feel any "Better" anymore like it may have helped in the past, i have to make very conscious attempts to control myself and try to only do it once a day, because if i do it twice a day, my depression, dopamine and body become dangerously damaged and i feel almost the same way i do when i don't do it after three days, i shared this with one of my therapists and they are like, it must be tough trying to live of your own body and trying to find the right "balance", and i was like...yeh , so basically i still compulsively masturbate but i try to prevent myself from ejaculation more than once a day, because that is what kills my dopamine, other chemicals and zinc in my body, which cripples me down and makes my depression worse, but it's extremely difficult and i obviously can't keep existing and coping this way.

i am really looking forward to homeopathy with a doctor that understands what is going on and suggesting or giving me some supplement that can help my depression, anxiety or deficiencies in general, so even if i do engage in masturbation, with or without ejaculation, i don't have to end up a few days later feeling like a vegetable with at the same time terrible anxiety, stress, deficient in other chemicals, etc, neither do i have to feel that high up and downs when i regularly do it everyday.

user03.. My heart goes out to you.

Sorry it took me longer than I expected to respond to your comments. I don't have much to offer, only to suggest to you - How helpful it may be for you to try and refocus your thoughts to help prevent the urges to masturbate. Occupy yourself with your -good & positive- passions! What are some of them? If you don't have any, try your hand at something of interest to you, in hopes of it consuming your time, and mind.

Have you had a recent physical exam? The stomach and headaches would concern me. Water balance in the body is important. Meds caused dry mouth for me and I always have my water with me.
Alcohol can be very bad. It is a central nervous system depressant. I avoid it completely. Caffeine in moderation is a fair stimulant, but may not agree with everybody. Stay away from monster drinks.
I had to rearrange my thinking when I get stressed. Distraction, creativity, exercise, sleep, me-time and diet can really help when meds don't help or helpful ones are unavailable.
Not all meds work in all cases. Finding the right meds and dosages can be an adventure or experiment. Having the right doctor is of primary importance and that is where it has to start.
Be vigilant for moderate or severe side-effects. Mild ones that you can tolerate may be acceptable. Contact your doctor at the first signs of concern.
In the meantime, you may want to try a 12-step like Emotions Anonymous (EA) or self-help program with others who are battling stress and anxiety. Listen to their stories and what they do to deal with it. There is power in numbers. Don't let shame keep you away or keep you from speaking up. We are all in this together.
Best of luck to you.