This isn't getting easier. *TW*

For months I've been trying to get myself on the straight and narrow. After my psych admit, I've been really trying to get myself sorted. I was made homeless when I was in psych and I had to go back home to my parents at the age of 22, which was not ideal and it sucked. Then I lost my job, then I got another job, moved back out, and then lost that one, resulting in going back home again just before Christmas, also, again, not ideal. I'm back home still, got another job which seems to be going well, but for the life of me, I can not get my head in the right place. Let me elaborate.

I have nothing to actually trigger any depressive episode, yet, here I am, in the middle of one. I can't figure it out. I sit here sometimes crying and I'm sat here asking myself 'why am I even crying?'. I can never come up with a reason. I feel myself feeling drained, bored and fed up with life, zero motivation to do anything except vegetate in my bedroom on the internet and drinking tea. My antidepressants ran out and surprise surprise, I misjudged how many I had left and I don't get paid for another week and a half, so I need to wait until then to get more. Now I think about it, even while on my meds, I still felt low as crap. Sometimes it scares me how much I think about death, like, actually it doesn't, to a degree. I've pretty much come to terms with death and how it's lights out goodbye, and sometimes I find myself wondering how much of x I need to take to die, or how long it would take to die from y, or how to go about it. Other times, when I'm walking home from work, I look over the bridge that goes over the motorway and just stop for a second and think to myself something along the lines of 'I wonder what free falling for a few seconds and then lights out would feel like' and I have to actually shake myself out of it.

Other times, I sit there and wonder if it's my loneliness that is doing it. I'm not lonely lonely, but I feel alone a lot of the time. I could go to a party and feel like I have no one there to talk to/anyone who take interest in talking to me. I go to work, and don't get me wrong, I have a lot of work friends who I see regularly out and in work, but it feels like it's always a huge effort for me to get out of my room and go meet up with them for a drink or food. I have a lot of friends out of work who I see often, nine times out of ten, we're too lazy to go out and do something so we just sit at mine, or theirs and drink tea and chat. I almost feel like my life is just a cycle. Sometimes I feel like maybe I want/need a partner, but then whenever I do have one, I just can't ever find myself to be happy enough in a relationship and I just begin to feel like either my heart, or their heart isn't in it. Maybe I haven't ever met the right person, maybe I'm scared of committing myself and ending up getting hurt. I don't know.

I wonder if maybe I need to get checked back into psych, but I'm still in my probation period at work, and I know for a fact that if I got checked back in they could sack me at any given moment for being absent from work. Fun fact: the law doesn't actually say a company can't fire/investigate/discipline you if you have a doctors note. Either way, psych is out of the question for now, and trying to get an appointment at my doctor's is like asking Donald Trump to be a reasonable human being. I don't even know what I'm looking for in this thread, but now I've typed out the bulk of it, and admitting to myself I don't even have a reason to feel this way, it makes me feel even more ridiculous, but it's also made my mind up that I really do need to get my head sorted. I can't keep living in a constant phase of being bored and fed up with life and being stuck in this rut.